To think this is more than enough for a single parent?

[CrinkleToes]

I am posting as I really don’t know if I am being unkind to my sibling or whether my feelings are warranted.

She is a single parents to one dc. Her take home salary is just under 4K. Her ex pays for nursery and also gives her 400 a month for other expenses.

She is constantly asking my mum for money to top up her income. I am fortunate that I have dh and lots of practical support from his family too which means I don’t need to use nursery. We also have one dd who is 3. I have chosen to be a stay at home mum and do recognise that my sister does not have this option.

My mum is very stressed about being asked for money every month and has confided in me that although she has the money it is basically eating into inheritance bit by bit as she is now retired. I do not get any hand outs from her and never do.

I feel conflicted as on the one hand I know it must be bloody hard work as a single parent but equally I can’t understand how she needs top ups on that income? It basically means she is getting inheritance early. Am I being a dick? Would you let this go? I haven’t told DH as I know he would say it is totally unfair on me and of course I know he would be biased anyway.

Those wondering how I know her income… she shared it all with us when she separated from ex as she was at rock bottom and terrified. She has actually been promoted since then so could be on even more now!

She shouldn't be struggling on that income. Perhaps have a quiet word with her over a drink and ask her if she's struggling, and could you help out in anyway to fix it. Be clear the offer isn't financial help but practical help on how to clear debt

If your mum says yes, it's your mum's choice.
She needs to say no if that's how she feels

Is the 4k gross or net? Either your sister is being unreasonable. Really though, you need to tell your Mum to grow a backbone. Perhaps all three of you sit down and go through your DS's expenses? I'm a single parent with three kids, and to me she should be living the life of riley on the figures you give. Are you sure she doesn't have debts you don't know about, or even some kind of addiction? This just doesn't make sense, but ultimately it's your Mum who has to do something. You just need to say this to your Mum and give her your back if there's fallout.

That's a higher rate tax band salary so she's amongst the 15% richest by individual income, so if not childcare costs she's doing well for herself.

How much money are you talking?

Is she just scatty and asks for £20 here and there as she's forgotten her purse and doesn't think it's a big deal? Or is she asking your mum for £500 every month because she can't afford x bill?

She’s either catastrophising, which could be indicative of a mental health problem; or she has financial concerns that you’re unaware of. I’d agree with the poster who said that checking in with her over a drink would be a good idea: you’ve known your sister all her life, and you have a close enough relationship that she’s previously been open with you about her finances: does it seem more likely that she’s suddenly become an irresponsible chancer, or that there’s something else going on here?

Is she living in the same house as when she was with her ex? If it London then maybe she can't afford to stay there? Going from 2 incomes to just one is tough , is her ex playing full nursery costs? It sounds like she can't afford her previous lifestyle on her sole income

Thanks these posts have confirmed what I suspected! I wondered if she was maybe struggling and paying for cleaners etc but even so she’d surely have some left over. I know it’s mum’s decision but it does also affect me and dh in the future if it carries on.

I mean I don’t know how much her mortgage is or what debt she has/was left with outside of the marriage. What contracts she is locked in.

its all relative and many people spend / financially push themselves to their standard of income. Plus if she needs to get someone in to do DIY now it’s loads of money.

i think YABU coz her income does not mean rich necessarily. You basically are worried you’re losing inheritance. If you were a single parent and needed money I bet you’d ask and take it.

i would chat with her to see if she’s ok tho.

I wonder if your mum told you in the hope you would speak to your sister?

Also a single parent bringing in half what she does. Things I'm wondering is what her rent and rates are and if she's in debt and having to repay? Does she seem to spending a lot? Holidays/ fast fashion etc etc? I would be inclined to talk to your mum first and suggest she sits down with your dsis and works out a budget plan. It's hard to know how tight she actually is without knowing her outgoings. If your mum absolutely cannot have that conversation with her then I would do it and say she's stressing your mum out and you don't want to see either of them worried so can you go over a budget together to see if that might help.

She may well be up to her eyeballs in debt repayments 🤷‍♀️. Still not reasonable to be going to your mum for handouts.

But OP has says her Mum is not happy about it and mentions this to her constantly......

It’s between your mum and sister really. I wouldn’t be inserting myself into it other than encouraging your mum to say no when she complains about it.

I'm a single parent bringing in half of that and manage fine. My rent is only £500 per month though. If her ex pays full nursery costs she should be alright as childcare costs are the killer. Unless she has a massive mortgage/rent?

Your mum also needs to consider that it may be eating in to her care home fees as opposed to inheritances.

It should definitely be enough I’d say. Does she have a huge mortgage, car payments or debts? Does she keep up a certain lifestyle (holidays etc?) or her dc do expensive clubs? I have roughly £1500 for bills etc (not rent/mortgage) with 2 dc and it’s tight but doable.

4k a month is £64k a year but any income over 50k is taxed at 40%. All it’d take us 3k mortgage to break the bank.

To be honest this really depends on where you live, and specifically what mortgage/rent is. Where I am up North, with the house we have and the mortgage we have that would be comfortably enough money, but my friend who lives in SE would really struggle on that amount because her mortgage alone is £2200 a month, and that’s just for a 3 bed semi, not a huge mansion. So when you consider that in her position she’d have £1800 left over after paying mortgage to pay all other household bills, food shopping, potentially a car finance/car insurance, petrol, clothes/toys, I can see where the money would run out.

There are so many variables.
Has she stayed in the family house and is covering the mortgage that they both used to pay? Is she struggling to sell the family home? Or is she paying for a 2 bed flat? That could easily be £2k in London.

Does she have a pcp agreement taken out before the split that she cannot escape from? Does she have credit card debt? Solicitors fees?

Either way, she shouldn't be asking your mum for money.

If she can't afford her lifestyle, she needs to downsize or move. Why don't you talk to her? Find out what the issue is? Help her fix it?

So she does have car finance but that’s it, no debt or at least there wasn’t 2 years ago. She lives outside London. If we go out she will spend, meals out etc but I wouldn’t say she is hugely flashy.

No one knows what is coming in vs what is going out. On paper some people are very wealthy but after paying tax, mortgage, other fixed outgoings, things don't look so rosy.

That said, if a grown adult is asking for hand outs from their parents they should have a very good reason. I can't believe she just asks and doesn't say why. Also can't believe your Mum lets this slide, who is parenting who?

No one should be asking for money from anyone after a certain age without good reason.

Also if it's inheritance tax she is eating into, then she is saving 40% IHT. Your mum can 'gift' her £3k per year tax free. If that is the case, then you should be getting th same and then neither of you pays the heavy inheritance tax.

I think it’s just a case of feeling it’s a bit unfair. I don’t begrudge her having it but obviously we are not exactly rolling in it either!

It will completely come down to what her outgoings are; earning £4k (I assume per month) is irrelevant if she doesn’t have any disposable income after paying all of her bills.

Also, plenty of children benefit from nursery. Looking down on those who use childcare for their children doesn’t make you better.