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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at MIL and SIL’s treatment of my DD?

30 replies

Cantwaittogethome · 01/09/2024 15:14

Currently staying with in laws. My DD is 3, and sees the extended family rarely. Whenever she sees them, they try to force her to hug them which she doesn’t want to do. They give her gifts they’ve bought her, then pretty much ignore her for the entirety of the visit other than to admonish her for not giving hugs or saying thank you for things enough.

The reason she doesn’t have a good relationship with them is because they make zero effort with her - never play with her, give her attention or read to her. So I’m not surprised she feels the way she does (she adores my parents who make the effort to spend time with her on the rare occasion they see her).

I gently try to encourage DD to be kind to them, but she’s quite resistant. I can see them both giving each other looks whenever DD refuses to hug them.

What else can I do?

OP posts:
mamajong · 01/09/2024 15:22

No one, including children should be forced to hug anyone imo, they should be allowed to set these type of boundaries for themselves early, and supported in that.

Ofc she can and should say thank you in a way she feels comfortable - verbally, drawing a picture etc.

Not everyone wants to play games with young children, and people express love in different ways but they equally need to understand that not doing so will.impact their relationship with her.

probster · 01/09/2024 15:26

poor little thing

op you need to advocate for her. And firmly

better yet…. wrap up the visit and head off

Original poster
Cantwaittogethome · 01/09/2024 15:27

Thanks both, yes thankfully the visit is over soon and I won’t be repeating it any time soon.

OP posts:
probster · 01/09/2024 15:32

Cantwaittogethome · 01/09/2024 15:27

Thanks both, yes thankfully the visit is over soon and I won’t be repeating it any time soon.

shame your partner hasn’t stepped in

but i guess your partner and your relationship with him is a whole different thread

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/09/2024 15:34

That's really shitty behaviour.
I'd be giving them a wide berth after this visit.

Original poster
Cantwaittogethome · 01/09/2024 15:35

probster · 01/09/2024 15:32

shame your partner hasn’t stepped in

but i guess your partner and your relationship with him is a whole different thread

Show quote history

He tried - they bit his head off. They’re awful to him.

OP posts:
probster · 01/09/2024 15:38

Cantwaittogethome · 01/09/2024 15:35

He tried - they bit his head off. They’re awful to him.

Show quote history

well he needs to “try” harder

or scoop up his little family and leave

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/09/2024 15:39

Solidarity....

Focus on your child and playing with her / having a nice time.

With the hugs and kisses i have a very specifc method.

I pick dd up so they cant get at her so easily and say
"Hey sweetie do you want to high five or blow a kiss instead?"
If the relative keeps banging on or space invading i look directly in their eyes with a firm facial expression and say to dd "thats okay. You dont have to kiss or hug anyone if you dont want to"

And Yes your dp should be doing more by that i mean managing their expectations and telling them to pack it in.

BeerForMyHorses · 01/09/2024 15:44

My in laws are the same. You have to loudly advocate for her, in front of your child too. Your daughter needs to see it's okay to set boundaries.

I am now told my by them my child is rude and unsociable. She's not atall but that's their version. I'm fine with them having any opinion on me and my child if it means my child isn't pushed into affection.

Maria1979 · 01/09/2024 15:45

Cantwaittogethome · 01/09/2024 15:35

He tried - they bit his head off. They’re awful to him.

Show quote history

Well, he needs to man up and protect his daughter ! And so do you. With my inlaws I stated the boundaries: hugs and kisses IF my DC want them. And the same goes for me, I never force them. Consentment is taught early on. My DC (boys) will hopefully always respect women (and men) and never impose themselves as their integrity has always been protected and they know that physical contact needs to consenting individuals.

Maria1979 · 01/09/2024 15:47

Also, you could help Pil by suggesting activities your Dd likes so they can interact. If they are not interested then too bad for them. Play with your daughter and limit visits with Pil..

ThisBlueCrab · 01/09/2024 15:57

Cantwaittogethome · 01/09/2024 15:14

Currently staying with in laws. My DD is 3, and sees the extended family rarely. Whenever she sees them, they try to force her to hug them which she doesn’t want to do. They give her gifts they’ve bought her, then pretty much ignore her for the entirety of the visit other than to admonish her for not giving hugs or saying thank you for things enough.

The reason she doesn’t have a good relationship with them is because they make zero effort with her - never play with her, give her attention or read to her. So I’m not surprised she feels the way she does (she adores my parents who make the effort to spend time with her on the rare occasion they see her).

I gently try to encourage DD to be kind to them, but she’s quite resistant. I can see them both giving each other looks whenever DD refuses to hug them.

What else can I do?

You champion your dds right to body autonomy and you do not force her to hug anyone that she doesn't want to.

You make her dad point out that forcing it is abusive and they need to back the fuck up.

MollyButton · 01/09/2024 16:16

If they really are "awful" to your DH then why are you even there?

They sound pretty awful.
Make it clear she never has to hug, kiss or even shake hands with anyone she doesn't want to. Even my FIL got this.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 01/09/2024 16:22

I never, ever force my children to hug/kiss anyone and people who have tried to make my children do so have been told very firmly to back off. I always make sure my kids are polite to people, but you don’t need to hug someone to be polite.

I have never understood why some people are happy to engage in physical contact of any kind when the other person really doesn’t like it. I guess it’s a power/control thing.

ColonelRhubarbBikini · 01/09/2024 16:29

I can never understand why anyone would enjoy forcing a child to give them a hug. A friends child is very much not a hugger so we do a high five or a wave or even nothing at all if they’re not in the mood for saying goodbye but occasionally they’ll give you an unsolicited hug and it feels like a lottery win.

Agree with PP. Be forceful and be their advocate. Put your body between them and her if you have to. If you think it might click on try and have a friendly chat about how it is so much safer for children not to be forced to have physical contact if they don’t choose to. While they don’t sound great I’m sure they’re not monsters who want your child to be more susceptible to abuse.

lovelysunshine22 · 01/09/2024 19:09

She should never be forced to hug or kiss anyone if she doesn't want to. However she absolutely should be made to say thank you, thats just basic manners.

Hoppinggreen · 01/09/2024 19:14

They are awful to your DH, you don't like them and they are either overbearing or ignore your DD - why visit?
Leave as soon as you can and don't go back

NikNak321 · 05/09/2024 13:44

I actually think you need to have a word. My FIL pressured my little one to show affection to MIL when he was little. She was ill and wanted so much to be an active grandparent, but couldn't be due to illness. It hurt her; to have my lad not forthcoming with affection. I felt for her. But your priority is your child. It did become more pressurising and my FIL literally cornered him and herded my lad into her one visit.

I discussed with my husband and explained that it would be unacceptable for an adult to be pushed into such things; why is it acceptable for an adult to subject a child to it. Also you are teaching your child to submit to the will of an adult and not trust their feelings. Children who believe this may be subjected to abuse in the future from other people and not recognise it is wrong. At school they teach 'my body; my choice'. That a child understands appropriate contact; but also that if they ever feel uncomfortable that they say NO and it be respected. And if it isn't they tell. And that's any contact that's inappropriate and/ or they feel uncomfortable with.

With my husbands agreement I chatted sensitively with FIL about that my lad likes affection with immediate carers only. That that's just what he is comfortable with & it's just how it is. He enjoys his visits, but I won't have him pushed into hugs and kisses if he isn't wanting to 👍. They accepted it...it was fine. And I have always been clear about that with my lad too...so he appreciates what's acceptable from himself and from others towards him 👍. Good luck OP ❤️

Dinkydo12 · 05/09/2024 13:48

If his parents are awful to him why are you taking your DD to visit? I wouldn't bother visiting again. Never ever tried to force my GD or GS to hug me or kiss me. My daughter in law used to say sorry that they wouldn't. I was quite happy waiting for them to be comfortable with hugs and kisses in the meantime high five sufficed.

Miyagi99 · 05/09/2024 14:15

The hugs thing is bad but I don’t think relatives are obliged to play with children or particularly give them attention, although from what you say they give her unwanted attention anyway. You can’t make people get on when they don’t, that’s life.

coxesorangepippin · 05/09/2024 14:18

No forced hugging, ever

They're projecting their expectations onto your DD

If they don't play/engage with her, they can't expect an instant rapport

OneLoyalGreyFish · 05/09/2024 15:02

I have 5 grandchildren and I’ve never forced any of them to hug or kiss me. Two of the boys (now 4 and 2 1/2) used to cry and hide when they were very small when I walked in the room - we think it was because I often would look after them if my daughter had an appointment etc to attend, they thought their mummy was ‘leaving’ them. On those occasions they’d soon come round and be sitting with me while we looked at books. Over time they gradually placed their trust in me and now they throw themselves at me when I arrive!
No child should be forced to hug etc

Didimum · 05/09/2024 15:13

Your husband needs to speak to them.

Lavenderblue11 · 05/09/2024 15:13

Yet another MIL and SIL bashing post!
Young children quickly pick up vibes from their parents. I think your DD has sensed your dislike for your MIL and SIL and is behaving accordingly. Of course, you love your parents and DD knows this, hence she behaves differently with them. Try to encourage (genuinely) a positive relationship with the in-laws, of course if DD has a dislike of hugging them then that must be accommodated by them. Does DD hug your parents?

Findinganewme · 05/09/2024 23:16

My in laws have asked for hugs and kisses from my two. They don’t ask the older one now, as he’s almost 13. The little one is 5 and cute. I get that some people want to hug cute kids.

more importantly, I don’t want my daughter to learn that she should let people into her personal space, if she doesn’t want to. She should learn that she has full right to choose who touches her or comes near her and she always has the power to say no.

i ask her if she would like to give them a hi-five instead? Mostly she will, if it’s someone she knows but doesn’t want to hug, I just say, ‘do you want to hi-five instead then, yeah …nice work, good girl, you can play now’.

the rest, I don’t care about (what others think).