How do I tell my friends I don’t want them to visit me after surgery?

[ArbitraryHaddock]

I have a close group of friends that I have known for about two years with whom I go out around twice a week. I made these friends after I was widowed during COVID and discovered that all my previous friends were just work colleagues who dropped me like a hot brick.

I am shortly going into hospital to have necessary and relatively major surgery. I’ll be in hospital for about a week, and then recuperating at home alone for about six weeks if all goes well.

i know my friends will be very keen to visit, bring flowers, bake cakes, bring casseroles and no end of helpful things. But I just can’t face it.

I absolutely hate seeing people when I don’t feel my best. I find it so draining. Even if I’m just having a bad day, I’m the type to go away on my own and just be by myself for a while. I’m really beginning to feel quite panicked at the thought of a stream of well wishers trooping through my bedroom plumping and fussing. Am I being unreasonable to ask them to check in by phone or text instead?

I didn’t tell anyone when I had major surgery until I was at a point I could communicate (phone off for 2wks as in ICU). I just told people after that I would let them know when I was up for visitors. People understand

If they are true friends, you should be able to just be honest.

I tell my best friend that I don't want to see or talk to her all the time and so does she.

We all cope differently and like you, I tend to isolate when recuperating.

Thanks for reading and replying. The problem is I’ve been waiting for the surgery for a while, and they know when it’s coming up. Also, I see them twice a week, and they are already coming up with plans and promises of help, they think I’m being modest or something when I say I don’t want them to fuss.

Do you have a dh/dw or anyone to man the door for you? If not then keep it locked!

Preface this by sending a message

Hi All, looking forward to feeling better and able to catch up with you all after my op. In the meantime I'd really appreciate some time alone to recuperate - nothing against you all at all, I just prefer to be alone when I feel rough. I wouldnt mind some recommendations of books/series/films etc though!

Instead of blankly refusing, why don’t you just ask them to hold off until you’re feeling up to receiving visitors? I have had several serious surgeries (and due for several more) and not all of the recovery time has been languishing in pain. In fact, for a lot of it, I was bored and sick of myself. Once you’re able to shower and make yourself feel good, you may welcome visitors. (Not knowing the surgery, I know this is an assumption.)

Not at all unreasonable.

Just say you'll be text only after the op and that you'll update them in terms of an actual visit once that suits how you're feeling but until you OK it, no in person contact as you need to recover in your own time.

Good luck with the op.

But what if you do need help?

Maybe just say that you'll let them know how you feel after when you're home?

Tell them now about not wanting visitors, they mean well but it is not what you want.

Thank you to everyone.

Yes, I think I need to get my big girl pants on and tell the truth. Actually, now that I’ve posted I’ve realised I have the perfect “out”, in that I’ll be immune-suppressed for quite a while, so I can just say im isolating on medical advice. Thank you all, I feel much better, now. I think I’m nervous about the surgery, so I was fixating on this issue to distract myself!

Then make them aware you're 'not just being modest'. Tell them very firmly that you absolutely appreciate their concern and friendship, but that the idea of having anyone visit you in hospital just stresses you, and would absolutely not help your recovery, and that you expect them to do what you say on this. That coming to see you would be in absolute contravention of your wishes. Ask that they channel their concern into texts or something that you feel would genuinely help after you get out of hospital -- maybe some practical assistance that might help you as you recover.

My mother is one of those people who never says what she means, and even if she were desperate for hospital visitors she would say 'Oh, no, don't bother' and hope people came anyway -- it is necessary to be VERY FIRM with this type of person eg 'Mum, I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT VISITORS. I AM NOT BEING COY. YOU WILL BE DISRESPECTING MY WISHES IF YOU SHOW UP. WHEN I HAVE SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU NOT TO, AND I WILL ASK STAFF TO SHOW YOU OUT AGAIN. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR ME WHEN I'M ILL IS TO LISTEN TO WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. ' Added to some specific thing that would actually be palatable .

Oh, and best wishes for your recovery.

A close friend of mine had surgery a couple of months ago.
We were clearly told not to visit until she felt like it. We respected her wishes and went from there.
Just tell your friends what you DO want. Don't hide behind excuses, just say that you will say when you want visitors.

Use your words and tell them, use whatever excuse you want. I was quite blunt and told people I wasn’t accepting visitors in hospital or at home, I was prettty much immobile and certainly not in the mood for visitors. I just didn’t have the capacity.

I’m laughing because I’ve lost count of the number of threads on here where I’ve wanted to reply to the OP “Just use your words and bloody tell them!” You’re absolutely right. Thank you.

I normally don't mind visitors but I had massive surgery last year and had to go to a specialist hospital for surgery (a flight away for us)

I was there 3 weeks and absolutely could not have coped with visitors. I didn't even want my teenagers to travel over as I think they would have been too upset, and I was exhausted. My husband was with me the whole time so knew exactly what I needed, when I wanted to talk or when I just needed sleep.

So, I totally understand your position and hope your friends/family respect that.

Good luck with your op.

Don't tell them absolutely not to come, as you might well change your mind after the surgery. Just ask them to hold off until you tell them you feel up to it.
Say you'll keep them updated by text, and will miss them until you see them.
I cannot think of a single reason anyone would be offended by that.

I agree you should tell them clearly but also I do think it's important to emphasise that you value their friendship and appreciate their kindness in visiting people who do need that kind of help. I can see this coming across as pretty hurtful if you don't say it right. Also say you are looking forward to seeing them again once you are feeling better.

Honestly, be really up front. After my accident, I just didn’t have the headspace to deal with people who probably wanted to see the gore/hear the tale. I told everyone to stay away from hospital. It’s a shame one worked there and we were pals outside of it due to a shared hobby. She was, to be fair, the only one who came. I even told my parents not to come down, my poor Dh was coping with full time work, travelling to see me and them coming down would have just caused more work. You look after yourself and everyone else can wait!

I have had to fight friends off with a stick asking to visit me in hospital, I was very blunt and said " I don't like visitors in hospital,very kind of you but I'll give you a ring when I'm up to it"

I'm a week out of hospital and I've had a couple of visitors and I'm EXHAUSTED from it, so be firm.

You’re not being unreasonable but I strongly urge you to give them something else to do. Say that you’d be grateful for a telephone call, or perhaps a trip out when you’re on the mend. I haven’t quite been able to link up your narrative of not having true friends with not wanting people to visit.

I feel your pain, I had follicular cancer when I was 36, I had 3 children and a busy husband.
I didn’t want anyone other than immediate family near, my husband though wanted people visiting and calling in as he felt it took the strain off him.
I hate seeing people when I am ill and I hate sympathy.

I agree that yes you just need to tell them, they'll understand they simply want to support you.

But...

Don't underestimate the toll major surgery is going to take on you - both on your head & body.

I've had several major ops & recently a relatively small one and even that one took me a good couple of weeks to start to begin to feel human again. I was an emotional wreck for several days (post op blues is a thing) and my head was all over the place for a while beyond that.

Not to mention pain management and the shock your body will feel from having an op in the first place. The GA, pain relief & any other drugs will affect you as will being in hospital. Don't be surprised if you crash a bit emotionally & physically when you get home.

So, by all means tell them you'd prefer not to have visitors but also see how you go. You might find you both want & need a little loving support and TLC from them in the first few weeks. And, I think its only fair to keep in touch and let them know you're ok after surgery by text.

Please don't think I'm saying you're unreasonable, you're totally not and if you don't want fuss then that's absolutely fine, but just...see how you go.

Wishing you the very best of luck & a speedy recovery xx

I think medically advised isolation is the right reason to give your friends. Be grateful that you have kind people in your life though! Not to be taken for granted.

Thank you @ComeTheFckOnBridget Thats very helpful.

And maybe add

!I know you'll be concerned an̈d I PROMISE to contact you if I need anything x