For my brother to make my cancer diagnosis all about him?

[drivinmecrazy]

I sent my brother a WhatsApp last night about my recent cancer diagnosis.

We are cordial but aren't very close.

Normally I'd not involve him in my personal life, but my diagnosis means I'm not going to be able to be there for my 80yo DM who lives in another country.

Until now I've always been the one to be there for her if she's been ill or needed help. I was happy to do this.

DB hasn't even visited DM in 12 years but she seems happy with his once a week phone call.

So, I let him know that I wouldn't be available for the next few months if something were to happen and would appreciate it if he would step up if needed.

This morning I received a lengthy reply about all the woes in his life, and there are many.

So I'm left feeling hurt that he's never stepped up and upset that he can't see what he's done is unfair on me.

I only told him because we share a mother.

I'm really sad for him about some of his issues of course, and had I known previously I'd have tried to support him better.

But I feel he's still throwing excuses about as to why he can't and couldn't help his own mother.

I'm feeling particularly hurt because I've chosen to tell only a very few people who need to know.

As an aside, my very good friend told her adult daughter about my diagnosis when I'd specifically said I wanted to keep it private for now.
Her daughter sent me a message the day after, albeit a lovely message, saying how sad she was about my diagnosis.

Feel like not telling anyone from this point forward, I doesn't seem to be worth the emotional effort THH

I’m going through almost identical situation and all I can say for now is please don’t hesitate to PM me .. even if those scary and painful sleepless nights and you need an ear to listen to i can be at the end of the phone and i think i’ll understand (im stage 4 now .. late 30s single mum to two DS) and you’ll have zero worries of anyone knowing as we probably live 100s of miles away from each other

sending 💐

Oh no, that's really sad. I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and your brother. Some people dont mean to, but they just turn things back onto them without realising it. Some are of course, are self indulgent too. Just mentally bin him off. If you can't help your mum, you can't help her.

Ask dB if he could go 50:50 on buying some help over the next few months. Say your sorry to hear about his news but you really can't carry on with mum and neither can you pay for help due to your current health related costs.

It's sad but useless people are just useless. Some can have it gently pointed out ( only you know if it's worth trying to say 'I'm really sorry to hear this, but is there no chance,at all of any visits to mum as I'm going to be on chemo, sick, immunosupressed, weeak ehatever spell it out, and genuinely not possibleat all to help) I have relatives who get angry if I point out that they don't show interest then add in that's my fault so it like doubling down to get you to go away

Thankyou both for your replies.
So sorry you're also going through this HausOfLumiere, it's a whole pile of shite!

I have experience of a family member like this in terms of not taking any responsibility for our DM. I’m so sorry you are ill snd it’s very hard. I think your DB has built a life around his needs and it doesn’t involve family. My Dsis virtually disappeared for 6 years. My DDs probably have seen her less than 10 times in 30 years, although twice in the last year and one of them was for DMs funeral. So what Im trying to say is that these people are able to walk away from family, even when they are very old. They don’t have capacity for others.

If I was in your shoes, I would be upset. However I think a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Their life is totally about them. My DM got the phone calls (and the remote advice) too! Never the visits. These people do get on with whom they choose as friends but dodge the difficult tasks with family. They curate an easier life, as they see it. Although your db hasn’t entirely managed this.

I think your illness doesn’t fit in with the curated life. I’ve wondered what I would do in similar circumstances. I think in general I’d tell very few people. My DDs but not anyone else. Others don’t need to know in my family as DM has died. Others find comfort in telling everyone they know but we aren’t all the same. I can say I have learnt that some people do purely think of themselves and are happy for others to look after close family without feeling any need to get involved. It is a life without empathy for some. I and dm fell into this category but not everyone does. Some people are chosen as worthy of concern but others are not. You have my sympathy as it feels horrible and that you aren’t loved or cared for. Hope you get better very quickly. All the best.

YANBU. OH didn't tell his family (or ours for that matter) after his initial cancer diagnosis. He just knew his sister would turn it around and make it about her. It's what she's always done. (When he did finally tell her, true to form, it was all about her and now what he was going through!).

As said above, "useless people are useless". They really don't change. My OH's sister wouldn't have stepped in to help as she never has done in the past for other things.

MIL has dementia. OH is her main carer. Sister is too "emotionally stressed" to actually do anything tangible to help as she can't "cope" with her mother having dementia (Oh Diddums!). She even cocks up taking her shopping on the very rare occasions OH couldn't (in middle of chemo, etc) - takes her to a different shop, MIL gets confused, sister can't even follow the shopping list OH has given her, MIL comes home with loads of stuff she doesn't need and without loads of stuff she does need. As I say "useless people are useless".

OH just does it himself. Things take longer as he has to plan things like MIL gp appointments, etc between his own medical appointments, but it's just easier as everything he asks sister to do ends up in arguments, cock ups, etc. and OH ends up picking up the pieces anyway.

It's not surprising he reacted like that as you say he hasn't seen her for 12 years. Screw that.
Send him a bill for his share of care costs as and when that's needed. He won't pay it but it reminds him of his responsibilities.

OP, I'm sorry you have received this diagnosis and it certainly makes looking after your mum difficult.

This may not be easy to hear, but your brother is within his rights to not look after his mother. You can ask him to as you have, but he is under no obligation to do so just because it is his mother. He may have reasons he doesn't want to share. Him and your mother don't seem close and this may not be all on him.

Instead, you need to let know your mother and she needs to make alternative arrangements for any support she may need. Even at 80 she is responsible for herself. You need to decide what you want to do or not do and deal with any feelings that may come up. For example the resentment towards your brother.

Your focus needs to be you. No need to manage your brother’s useless relationship with his mum. Just ignore the message you received.

Make sure your mum knows you’ve helped as much as you can and need some time to look after yourself at the moment.

Don’t give him a passing thought. People are odd.

@TizerorFizz I believe most people would love to belong to a loving and supportive family and it was on the parent to create that bond. Walking away is very, very difficult and not selfish.

It must be so stressful for you, I wish you all the best ❤️

@drivinmecrazy Try to ignore posts that says it’s the fault of your DM. I posted about family not visiting dm and posters said dm must have abused them! Truly unbelievable. The reasons they have absented themselves are purely self centred. They just find better things to do. If they really did have issues they wouldn’t phone! You just find some people don’t care and don’t help.

@Twatalert They don’t find it difficult at all! Go to uni and move on. As they phone they don’t have any issues at all. From
what I have observed they just love themselves more. Love was given. In spades! But cold people are just that. Cold. They don’t visit because they don’t care. They wouldn’t visit me either! Dm visited them until she was extremely old. On a coach.

Gosh, I'm so sorry that so many of you relate to my post.
My initial reaction was to send him a message saying how sorry that he was finding life difficult at the moment.
But that's me.
I don't like to think of anyone going through a hard time.

I think for now I won't respond and feed into his narrative. Just take a little time to feel sorry for the situation and move on.

That's been the one super strength I'm harnessing at this time in my life.
A way of protecting myself and my immediate family I guess.

We need all our emotional strength to deal with what's on our own plate at the moment.

No time for negativity.

It's hard changing a life time of behaviour but I guess I have no option

I think without knowing his issues that's hard for us to comment. It sounds like you have your issues and he has his. Sorry about your diagnosis.

Possibly true.
When my Dad died a few years ago he would hardly ever visit, even though at the time we were all in Uk and within 15 minutes of each other.
Instead would phone me for updates and if everything was ok he'd go back to his life with a clear conscience.
It's as if he's never thought that I hadn't wanted to fall into this role.

I have kids and a DH to consider but that's never been his concern.
He's more worried about who will look after his numerous horses and dogs if he were to actually step up

I get it. I have a brother who is similar, but I do what I can do and have a clear conscience myself that I've always done my best. My brother won't, and that's on him.

@drivinmecrazy accepting this role is on you though. I'm truly sorry for your diagnosis, but everyone is entitled to live their life the way they want.

If it was too much or not what you wanted you could have stepped back too. It's on you that you didn't and it was never on your brother to save you from it.

He has an adult child from his second marriage who is NC with him.
I've always been active in trying to improve their relationship, but since she ghosted us three years ago we're NC too even though she's 15 minutes down the road 😢
I'm now seeing it from her perspective and understanding a bit more now.
I regret trying to force their relationship and am sad not to have her in our lives now.

Suddenly realising your family dynamic is beyond redemption is hard.
I just can't understand it.

I'm so fortunate in that I seem to have bucked the trend in that DH, DDs and I are a very nuclear unit, for that I'm truly thankful.

Have no other wider family so it is literally us

Hi OP. There’s a cancer support thread on here that’s a huge help if you’d like to join.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/general_health/5143517-cancer-support-thread-95-no-googling-allowed?page=3&reply=137694191

I had almost exactly the same situation with my (D)B, DM and my cancer diagnosis, although my DM is just down the road and I did end up providing her with some support in emergencies, including taking her to hospital one night when I'd just got back from chemo. I did set much clearer boundaries with DM but there were sometimes when I had to step in. DB was the same as yours, if I messaged anything I just got a load of reasons back why his life was really difficult too. I barely had any contact with him for months as it just wasn't worth it. I agree that he doesn't need to do anything that he doesn't want to, but also he could just recognise how awful it is to get a cancer diagnosis and to make it about you rather than wang on about his woes.

Interestingly now my DM actually has died, DB has been brilliant in terms of stepping up and getting on with the death admin. Who knows why? Could be (cynically) that he wants his inheritance more quickly or could be that he wants to help but just felt he couldn't cope with the caring aspect of it, I don't know. Anyway, it's a time for you to be absolutely selfish around your needs

@drivinmecrazy there you have it. And the dysfunction didn't start with your brother.

Not sure what you mean but you obviously have your own issues going on

His issues are very real and significant to him just as yours are to you

He may well be incapable of stepping up as you may be. Its unfortunate but these things happen. Can your mhm aford some extra care ahould she need ot? Or contact ßocial services?

I too have cancer but i understand that other peoples issues are significant to them too

Maybe he feels you haven't been supporting him?

Without knowing the ðetail of what he said its difficult to say. But your mum will be ok ... she will be woŕried about you too so try lots of reassurance so she doesnt over worry.

Good luck. It is scary at the start of the journey trying to get ducks in a row

Part of the awfulness of cancer is how people react to the news.

In fact there was a thread recently about the terrible things people have said to people diagnosed with cancer.

I've had people cross the road not to talk to me and people who have just disappeared who I've previously supported. That's beside the crazy things some people have said to me. I won't give those people who disappeared the time of day in the future.

@drivinmecrazy I totally recognise the getting into via you. I had that issue. Won’t visit the hospital, so ask the one that does for an update! It’s just irresponsible and lazy, It’s also using someone when they know the circumstances are difficult.

Whereas people technically have a right to to dump everything on someone else, in reality it stinks. They don’t care about the elderly person or their sibling. So yes, of course they can disappear, but they are deeply unpleasant and uncaring for doing it. I’ve now lost family over it but I’m not fully responsible for my parent either. I’m just kinder and had to deal with the shit they could have helped with. So being abandoned is never a nice feeling and although people can do it. It still sucks.