For my brother to make my cancer diagnosis all about him?

[drivinmecrazy]

I sent my brother a WhatsApp last night about my recent cancer diagnosis.

We are cordial but aren't very close.

Normally I'd not involve him in my personal life, but my diagnosis means I'm not going to be able to be there for my 80yo DM who lives in another country.

Until now I've always been the one to be there for her if she's been ill or needed help. I was happy to do this.

DB hasn't even visited DM in 12 years but she seems happy with his once a week phone call.

So, I let him know that I wouldn't be available for the next few months if something were to happen and would appreciate it if he would step up if needed.

This morning I received a lengthy reply about all the woes in his life, and there are many.

So I'm left feeling hurt that he's never stepped up and upset that he can't see what he's done is unfair on me.

I only told him because we share a mother.

I'm really sad for him about some of his issues of course, and had I known previously I'd have tried to support him better.

But I feel he's still throwing excuses about as to why he can't and couldn't help his own mother.

I'm feeling particularly hurt because I've chosen to tell only a very few people who need to know.

As an aside, my very good friend told her adult daughter about my diagnosis when I'd specifically said I wanted to keep it private for now.
Her daughter sent me a message the day after, albeit a lovely message, saying how sad she was about my diagnosis.

Feel like not telling anyone from this point forward, I doesn't seem to be worth the emotional effort THH

I am so sorry about your diagnosis but I do agree with PP it’s not your brothers obligation to look after your Mum.

It was never yours either, and yes you chose to do it which is very kind of you but it should never be assumed adult children should take on that role.

I also disagree with grandparents being expected to provide free childcare.
It works both ways.

Obligation is a strong word. An occasional visit is what’s being asked for! Not a full commitment! When people say there’s no obligation, who do they think will step in and help? Here you don’t get carers if you have some money, SS never assessed my DMs needs. They assume a relative will do it. Who will get the shopping, do a bit of cleaning, get meals, do the washing etc? Who managed the money and ensures bills are paid? It’s so easy to say it’s not your obligation but what do you do when your elderly relative turns the heat off and has no hot water? Are you really going to look the other way?

Kind people simply don’t and it’s not payback time either for services given! That’s just a way to load guilt on a Dc who’s had some input from the parent regarding the odd day of babysitting! What if that dc had already done more for decades? It’s never that black and white but there’s an obligation to help sort things out as far as possible and not blame the care giver. What a nasty nation we have become.,

MIL told a friend of hers about my cancer diagnosis despite DH telling her to keep it quiet (she had form). Some people have no understanding of privacy unfortunately.

I'm very sorry to hear of your diagnosis and I wish you luck. Xx

Secondly maybe this is a son thing. We had something very similar with my brother. When asked to help over something needed for out parents, he s agreed and then cancelled on the day. He lives a way away but knew about this for months, in fact it was a day and time he suggested. I am ashamed to say this but I called him, he wouldn't answer and I left a very deranged voicemail. Usually we never speak/contact each other. Then a few days later he sent me the longest text I have ever read outlining all my faults, how hard his life was for him.and for me to remain mindful of how physically, emotionally and financially difficult it is the have 2 children under the age of 10. That he and his wife are only just coping and to expect them to drop everything is wholly unreasonable.

I have 4 biloigical children, my niece is in my custody, I work full time, I look after my parents and am power of attorney for my grandmother who lives in a home. I honestly think that some sons (obviously not all).Just cannot see beyond their own lense.

Good luck. Xx

How have you been able to help your DM if you live in another country? I have siblings, and we have all helped my parents to a greater or lesser degree when they were alive. Any help I gave was because I wanted to not because I felt obliged. If I didn’t want to help, I would have stayed away.
Siblings may have very different viewpoints and relationships with their parents, so what you might do could look very different to what they would do. Telling your DB that he has to step up because you’re unwell could be construed by him as emotional blackmail. If he’s not seem his DM in 12 years, he’s not likely to come running now.
I hope your treatment goes well - I’m sure your DM will be fine.