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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to my DH's ex to see if he was abusive in their relationship?

36 replies

Winniethepig · 01/09/2024 10:41

DH and I have been together for 10 years. Married 8. Two kids.

For a while now he has been a sloppy drunk, lots of verbal abuse.

I know through small amounts of info; and mutual friends, which I learned limited info; that the fights were very bad, police were called, and it ended very very badly.

He doesn't have any children with her. They were never married. But he keeps making me feel like I'm being unreasonable and overreacting, but my instincts say I'm not.

Somehow, I just want some validation I'm not crazy. And I feel like reaching out to her to ask about her experiences to see if they're the same.

Is this unreasonable? Please no "why are you staying and just leave" comments, its not that simple, financially I can't make it work. And the last time I even tried to just take my kids to my mums for a few days for some space he told my 5 year old that "mummy doesn't want me to be you daddy anymore" so he's emotionally manipulating her and she was terrified, and I didn't want to drag her our of the house screaming for her dad.

Should I contact his ex to see if I'm going crazy?

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 01/09/2024 10:43

I wouldn't. It doesn't matter if he was an angel or asshole to her, he's abusive to you.

Could you go stay with your mum?

Reallybadidea · 01/09/2024 10:43

He probably was but even if he wasn't, how does that make your situation any better?

OhmygodDont · 01/09/2024 10:43

You can ask but you might not get a response. You might also find she tells a friend to tell him to get you to never contact her again. Letting the cat out the bag.

Could you not do Claire’s? Or Sarah’s law I forget which one is which on him, if police where called there could be a record.

StTola · 01/09/2024 10:44

No. If your husband is verbally abusing you and getting drunk all the time, that’s all the ‘validation’ you need. This relationship isn’t working for you. Figuring out the financial stuff is harder, I know.

morningbbrew · 01/09/2024 10:45

You don't need her validation. You aren't going crazy.

Having said that, if my ex's new partner reached out to me I would be happy to reassure her it wasn't just her. I have wanted to check in the whole time they have been together but it didn't feel right to in case he had changed

Lovelysummerdays · 01/09/2024 10:45

I would say no tbh. You don’t need validation that he is abusive, you know he is abusive. It’s hard though because you are being manipulated. Directly and indirectly through your children. I would strongly recommend doing the freedom programme through woman’s aid.

Wondering101 · 01/09/2024 10:46

My ex husband’s new wife contacted me to ask the same question. I supported her while she left him for abusing her the same way he did me. I think speaking to me helped her leave quicker

Bloatedbelly · 01/09/2024 10:51

You need to leave OP. Imagine spending another 5/10/15 years with this man and how damaging that will be for your kids.

Make an exit plan and don’t tell him until it’s all in place. Explain everything to your kids as best you can. Is he safe enough to still see them once you split?

No harm in messaging her but you might not get a response. You don’t need the validation either.

SauvignonBlonk · 01/09/2024 10:56

You’re not crazy OP, he is abusive and I’d say it’s almost certain he was also abusive to her.
The behaviour you describe is abusive and it’s not a great environment for children.

You don’t need to speak to his ex. You are not crazy.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 01/09/2024 10:58

No. You shouldn’t.

Let’s assume he was. She has left and moved on. She likely doesn’t want dragging back into anything to do with him. That could be really distressing for her. And then you choose to stay anyway? So she lays it all out for you for your own piece of mind? What about hers?

and what if she says ‘no, we were just really bad together. He is a good person deep down. We both behaved badly and brought out the worst in eachother’. How is that going to make you feel? It’s a risk you will end up feeling worst.

Or worse, what if she contacts him to say you contacted her?

Backtothedungeon · 01/09/2024 11:04

Contact the police, ask for a Clare's law disclosure. If he has a history they should be able to tell you. You should be able to find details for how to apply on your local police website.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/09/2024 11:07

Its all very well to say you can't leave but you can, it's just not very pleasant and a lot of hassle but many of us have done it.
I can't see what reaching out to his ex will do - he is abusive to you, that is all that matters.
I went to a women's refuge and was housed from there. Eventually bought my own house and you can work again when they go to school.
There is usually an incident that makes you realise you can't live there any more, one day you will experience that incident and then you will leave.
Lets just hope he doesn't physically or mentally destroy you or the children before then.
I got an injunction out and my ex wasn't allowed to see DS until he was 18.
Emotional damage can destroy children and cause complex PTSD when it goes on and on for years, that destroys their lives for ever.

Parkmybentley · 01/09/2024 11:08

And is the 5 year old witnessing and hearing this "sloppy drunk" ?

You have family to stay with, do that. Get out, he sounds dangerous.

Original poster
Winniethepig · 01/09/2024 11:10

Does anyone happen to know if there is an international number for the police I can call? We live in another county now and I'd like to gather as much info as I can so when I do leave, I am
Equipped, I'm googling but it keeps asking for UK post codes and address, neither of which I have

OP posts:
IveGotALovelyBunchOfCoconutss · 01/09/2024 11:11

Yes YABU. If you've been together over 10 years and they have no ties she will have very much much moved on and tried to forget. You should not try to drag it all up for her. You are an adult and capable of seeing what's going on, someone else telling you how things were 10 years ago will not change anything, if she even replied.

Funkyslippers · 01/09/2024 11:15

You already have all the information you need. He was abusive to her & he's abusive to you

DoYouReally · 01/09/2024 13:32

What difference does it make?

He is abusive and you know this.

You know it's not a safe place for you or your children.

Whatever she says, won't make it and more or less safe.

Please try to get help.

Enconcedinvelvet · 01/09/2024 14:17

Do NOT get in touch.

I have made an account just to tell you this.

An ex-partner's current gf once came into my place of work and begged me to help her leave him. His behaviour had obviously escalated since we had been together but he was abusive both physically and sexually to me.

I felt like I was going to pass out. I had no way of helping her and I didn't want to be retraumatised and get back involved either despite feeling for her. I am incredibly anxious anyway and this made me feel horrendous.

This led to him coming into my place of work himself and wanting to know why I had fed his gf a 'pack of lies'. He then began abusing me verbally again and he knew where I worked now. I felt so scared. I literally moved cities. I still have nightmares about him finding me.

This was all before social media and I was very young myself so I simply did not know enough about how to help just incase anyone says that I should have told her to do x y or z.

All this to say, you know he is abusive. Do not retraumatise someone from more than TEN years ago.

darkchocolateisbetter · 01/09/2024 14:20

what difference would it make if he was or wasn't abusive? He is abusive towards you, that is all you need to know.

Can you make an application under Claire's law instead? but in the end, you know what you need to know.

LissyG · 01/09/2024 14:20

I wouldnt, it doesn't change your relationship.

StormingNorman · 01/09/2024 14:23

It doesn’t matter if he was abusive towards her. He is abusing you and your children and that’s enough. You’re not crazy; the abuse is happening.

Try speaking to Women’s Aid or have a look at their website (Incognito mode) for some more information on how you could make leaving work financially.

simpledeer · 01/09/2024 14:49

It is irrelevant what their relationship was like.

If your children are ordinarily resident in the country you are living in, you probably won’t be able to leave that country with them unless he agrees to it. Are your family in UK or in the country you live in?

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 14:51

Can you do a Clare’s Law check on him?

Zanatdy · 01/09/2024 14:52

No, don’t drag her back to a bad place. You know it ended badly, that tells you all you need to know surely?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 01/09/2024 14:57

Honestly where I am currently with the trauma from XH abuse if a new partner of his asked me if he'd been abusive I would say that he was abusive, but I wouldn't be sharing any of the details, especially not with someone who was still with him. I don't know if that would help someone in your position or not and I'd love to say like a PP that I'd support them through it and maybe years in the future I could but right now I struggling enough to keep myself from drowning in the trauma and I have nothing left.

ETA: Even if she tells you he is I'm not sure it would help. I know my XH is abusive, I left, I still don't 100% belive myself. It's what abuse does to you, you've been manipulated and pushed into a place where you don't believe your own experiences. I finally settled for it doesn't matter if he is abusive and it was 'just' a really toxic relationship that because of how it was effecting me and my ability to be there for my kids I had to leave before I fell apart completely.