To reach out to my DH's ex to see if he was abusive in their relationship?

[Winniethepig]

DH and I have been together for 10 years. Married 8. Two kids.

For a while now he has been a sloppy drunk, lots of verbal abuse.

I know through small amounts of info; and mutual friends, which I learned limited info; that the fights were very bad, police were called, and it ended very very badly.

He doesn't have any children with her. They were never married. But he keeps making me feel like I'm being unreasonable and overreacting, but my instincts say I'm not.

Somehow, I just want some validation I'm not crazy. And I feel like reaching out to her to ask about her experiences to see if they're the same.

Is this unreasonable? Please no "why are you staying and just leave" comments, its not that simple, financially I can't make it work. And the last time I even tried to just take my kids to my mums for a few days for some space he told my 5 year old that "mummy doesn't want me to be you daddy anymore" so he's emotionally manipulating her and she was terrified, and I didn't want to drag her our of the house screaming for her dad.

Should I contact his ex to see if I'm going crazy?

No, don't contact her. Make a Claire's Law request with the police and get support from a domestic abuse charity like Women's Aid, they won't force you in to leaving but can support you in being safe and getting to a point where you can see a way out.

Have you tried 101?

Do you want to stay in the country you're in if you split up OP? If I was abroad I'd work on getting us all back home first as you can get stuck where the kids are habitually resident and that can cause massive problems if you don't want to be there.

I wait for the day my exes new girlfriend asks me the same. I was on the edge of telling her but I didn't feel it would do me or her any good, she'd think I was the crazy ex.

I'd help you OP. However, even if he was an angel to her it doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you. I know it's not easy to leave but start to put plans in place now, it unfortunately won't get better.

You've been with him for 10 years, you know what he's like. You don't need an ex to agree with you. And of course, what if she doesn't? It won't change that he's abusive to you and that his drinking and nastiness will fuck up your children.

You are going to have to find a way to leave him. It's never simple, it may take longer term planning. You don't need his permission to leave, you don't have to justify it.
You could make a start by contacting Women's Aid.
Where are your family?

YANBU if my exes new partner asked I wouldn't be a dick, I'd be glad I could save her from what I went thorugh a little. His ex before me apparently was evil and tried to kill him, I suspect now there was alot more to that and would love to be able to ask her.

You could contact Women's Aid to ask for advice on obtaining the police checks without a current UK address.

Sending best wishes . . .

I understand why you want to ask her - I felt exactly the same, in the same situation (except she had kids with him as well) - you feel you need that validation to prove to you that you are not going crazy, that what you think is happening IS what is happening.

The reality is that you don't need anyone else to tell you, you just somehow need to trust your gut (and believe me I know exactly how hard this is) and get you and the DC out of there. My ex manipulates our kids in a similar way, and all I can offer to counter that is for you to develop a deep sense of trust with yours, so that they know you are not and will not lie to them...they will work the rest out as they get older. My youngest will now, completely of his own volition say "dad is nice all the time now, not like he used to be...and he could be really nasty"...because he saw it for himself.

With regard to contacting his ex, you may not get the response you want from her in any case, she may not have recognised it as abuse, and then where will that leave you? Also, as others have said, it may take her back emotionally to something she'd rather forget...and your friends have given you plenty of understanding why that might be, you don't need to hear it from her as well.

I completely get the turmoil and the questioning as to whether it's real and are you imagining it, is it as bad as you think it is, or are you over-reacting. This is how abuse works, your view of things becomes completely skewed over time. I am a few years' away from him now but still struggle with it some days, so I understand only too well how pernicious it is.

Get you and the kids back to a safe place in the UK where he can't take any steps to force you to stay by not letting them leave, and then deal with it. There are plenty of women on here who have been through it, and they, and I, will support you every step of the way. There is a better and happier life waiting for you I promise.

I think it's unfair to drag up old wounds for her just to validate your feelings, when you're not going to leave anyway.

What difference would it make? How would it even change what he's doing to you? Make it ok? Not ok?

If you’re in another country, you can only bring the kids back to the UK with your ex’s permission. You can return to the UK but your kids are considered residents of new country.

If you can’t leave then any confirmation from ex is going to meaningless. If she contacts your h then how angry will he be ? It’s probably not worth the risk. She may say he wasn’t abusive to avoid drama and the risk of him contacting her and her loved ones too. I understand that you’ve been abused so your confidence about what is reality has been skewed but I’d be wary of angering your h or having him and the ex coming at you.