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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bitter about this

54 replies

teacoffee1 · 01/09/2024 07:37

Honest opinions

DH is away at a family wedding for 3 days.
I'm at home with 2.5yr old & 5 month old. 5 month old is high needs, toddler is a nightmare at bedtime.. could take up to 2 hours to get her to sleep

AIBU to be bitter and annoyed that DH went to said wedding?
We agreed the children wouldn't go as 2 young kids at a wedding is no fun for anyone, but I'm still just really annoyed about it

AIBU or is the sleep deprivation catching up and making me a bitter wife that my DH can enjoy the wedding and not have a care in the world while he's away

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 01/09/2024 07:40

Honestly - I think it depends whose wedding it is? If it’s his brother, it’s a different kettle of fish from second cousin Lucy who is on the Christmas card list but you don’t see from one year to the next. The three days sounds a lot as well - how far away is it?

PinkyFlamingo · 01/09/2024 07:41

Is it his family? I would assume he would be with his children if you wanted to go to your family wedding?

Original poster
teacoffee1 · 01/09/2024 07:42

Cousin who he rarely sees.. it's around a 2 hour flight away, so not just down the road or in the same country

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 01/09/2024 07:43

It’s reasonable for DH to go to a family wedding - life doesn’t end/suspend because you have two kids. Its normal for your social lives to become separate whilst the kids are young - just make sure that you have equal opportunity for a break too!

MontagueMoo · 01/09/2024 07:44

Sorry but it sounds like you agreed this was the plan. Family weddings aren't an everyday occurrence, so he's unlikely to be away for three days regularly.

Could you ask family to come and sit with them for a couple of hours today so you can get some sleep?

WimpoleHat · 01/09/2024 07:45

I think that’s a tough one for him, actually. Cousins might not see each other much, but if his parent is super close to their sibling, there can be a huge expectation around this sort of thing. And when flights are involved, two nights ends up being a minimum to make sure you actually get there in time etc.

RaininSummer · 01/09/2024 07:47

I don't think it's unreasonable so long as he would step up if you needed to do similar. It's obviously tough with two young ones but that's the nature of the beast.

susiedaisy1912 · 01/09/2024 07:49

Does he pull his weight normally?

Flossyts · 01/09/2024 07:49

Life doesn’t stop because you have children. In fact I think it’s important that it doesn’t. It’s 3 days not 3 weeks - you’ll be absolutely fine.
Just make sure that you make time for yourself when he gets back.

BarbaraHoward · 01/09/2024 07:56

Honestly, that's a really tough one. We have the same age gap (a good few years on from you now thank god!) and I found it really hard having them on my own. DH travels long haul for work a couple of times a year and I frankly resent it as he gets time away to just be him while I juggle everything, and because my job has no travel there's no quid pro quo. So what I'm saying is, I totally get it.

BUT, a wedding that gets all the cousins together can be a brilliant and rare thing - I have a couple of cousins who are very dear to me but I never see these days. I'd really appreciate getting the chance to go to their weddings and see everyone.

What's your DH like when he's home? Does he pitch in with everything - housework, night wakenings, poonamis, toddler tantrums, the works? In that case I'd suck it up as one of those (very very very) nice things you do for each other in a loving relationship. Make sure you get some time to yourself when he's back as you must be exhausted.

If he doesn't pull his weight, then I'd resent the trip even more, and you have bigger problems to sort.

Hang on in there, you're really in the trenches now. It's so bloody hard. But it will get easier - mine are 6 and 4 now and I'm the only one in the house who's awake.

Didimum · 01/09/2024 07:56

Are breastfeeding? Get organising your weekend away asap.

RedHelenB · 01/09/2024 07:59

You should have gone along too

BarbaraHoward · 01/09/2024 07:59

RedHelenB · 01/09/2024 07:59

You should have gone along too

I'd honestly rather manage kids that age at home than away in a hotel.

autienotnaughty · 01/09/2024 08:00

So if it was his immediate family or close friend I would say yes totally reasonable for him to go.

Cousin he's not that close to, yes to a local wedding no to long distance.

But didn't you discuss this before he agreed to go? Did you agree but now feel pissed as it's hard? If that's the case you can't blame him for going but I would be clear it was too much when he returns. And also claim some owed free time back!!

PaminaMozart · 01/09/2024 08:03

Really depends on whether he does his share the rest of the time, and whether you ever get to go out too.

Why does it take 2 hours to get your toddler to sleep? What strategies have you tried, and are you getting any help?

Overthebow · 01/09/2024 08:04

He should be able to go to his family wedding. Your baby is 5 months, not a new born. Yes it’s hard with two young DC but it’s only 3 nights. My DH did similar earlier in the year and whilst it was a tough few days and nights we all survived and I wanted him to have a good time guilt free.

namechange1986 · 01/09/2024 08:07

Managing two young children for three days alone should be manageable. I think it's fine that he went.

Original poster
teacoffee1 · 01/09/2024 08:07

Thanks everyone for your replies. I guess yes we did agree beforehand but the last 2 days have been extremely difficult with very little sleep so I am feeling somewhat resentful for him going!
He's a wonderful father and does so much for us at home so I really shouldn't be complaining.

I think to an extent too I feel why can't I manage my 2 children, this is what I wanted but just finding it so so hard on my own, really really don't know how lone parents do it

For the sleep q - toddler has always been an absolute nightmare to get to bed, we've tried sleep consultants, everything.. nap, no nap, white noise, no white noise, sitting next to the bed, sitting outside the room, bedtime routine, no routine, bath, no bath etc.. you get my drift

OP posts:
SnapdragonToadflax · 01/09/2024 08:07

I completely understand how knackered you must be, but I do think it's reasonable he goes to a family wedding.

You get a similar amount of time off when he's back though - maybe banked until baby is older if you're breastfeeding or can't face leaving them right now, but there's a weekend away on your horizon.

Summerhillsquare · 01/09/2024 08:09

When's your turn? Get planning a nice getaway!

Catafult · 01/09/2024 08:14

I get that life doesn’t stop when you have children, but I think if you have a ‘bad’ sleeper and a little baby then actually ‘normal’ life should be paused for a little while. My son wasn’t great at sleeping at that age either and I would have found dealing with him on my own really difficult, and that’s without a baby as well!

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/09/2024 08:15

I think you are unreasonable here. Everything can't stop because you have children.Many families have travel for work , on call rotas and complicated hobbies to accommodate and it works. Power on and don't resent your DH for doing something that you both agreed on.

Beautiful3 · 01/09/2024 08:40

When he gets back, tell him you need a break from the kids. Book an over night stay at a spa, and have a lovely time!

TheaBrandt · 01/09/2024 09:02

I can totally see why you are pissed off but to be fair don’t think he is unreasonable either. It’s a really tough stage. I have literally blanked it from my memory.

TheaBrandt · 01/09/2024 09:03

Also it’s not necessarily the closeness
to that particular cousin but he will likely see his extended family and as they get
older that’s a precious thing.

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