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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bitter about this

54 replies

teacoffee1 · 01/09/2024 07:37

Honest opinions

DH is away at a family wedding for 3 days.
I'm at home with 2.5yr old & 5 month old. 5 month old is high needs, toddler is a nightmare at bedtime.. could take up to 2 hours to get her to sleep

AIBU to be bitter and annoyed that DH went to said wedding?
We agreed the children wouldn't go as 2 young kids at a wedding is no fun for anyone, but I'm still just really annoyed about it

AIBU or is the sleep deprivation catching up and making me a bitter wife that my DH can enjoy the wedding and not have a care in the world while he's away

OP posts:
pictoosh · 01/09/2024 09:06

You chose to have two kids. This is what having two is like.
I sympathise with your aggravation and lack of rest but don't be angry at your dh for going to a wedding. He's not chained to the house and neither are you.

Viviennemary · 01/09/2024 09:09

He probably just went out of politeness and to keep in touch with his wider family. A lot of folk don't particularly enjoy weddings. They can be a bit boring.

pictoosh · 01/09/2024 09:34

What you can do is on his return, welcome him home then announce you're going for a lie down/sleep/bath/read...to recharge your batteries. You have earned it.

moppety · 01/09/2024 09:37

As long as stuff balances out longer term, I don't really see the issue. My husband has been to three weddings solo since having DC because they were more his friends than mine and it made sense for me to stay home with kids. But then I've been away at other stuff subsequently and he's been at home with the kids so it's worked out pretty equal.

When they're tiny it does seem a bit disproportionate because it's harder for mum to leave often but it will hopefully even out in years to come.

My husband took over immediately when he got back every time and made sure I had an easier time for a few days!

5128gap · 01/09/2024 09:41

You shouldn't have agreed. You have internalised the messages that mothers are failures if they can't cope with their children alone. Messages that will be all over this thread as posters make themselves feel superior by telling you how fine they'd be with it. However this entirely misses the point. You can cope and are doing. But it's a struggle and it's making you miserable and resentful. As co parents it's not about one's ability to cope so the other can be free. It's about striking a balance between that freedom and the impact on the other. In this case you feel its too far in one direction. And that's fine. You'll know in future what you're happy to offer and make better compromises. Perhaps 2 days not 3, or that you get to go away straight after, or whatever you feel works.

theintern · 01/09/2024 09:41

YABVU here for the sake of a couple of sleepless nights when you say he is an involved and engaged husband and father when he's home. I imagine a lot of lone parents are probably rolling their eyes. I think you are taking your own frustration that you feel like you can't cope out on your husband

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/09/2024 09:42

I have kids similar ages.
are you still breast feeding?

I’d be “bitter”… but I wouldn’t linger on it as I’d be too busy planning my 3 days…But my 2nd was ff from birth and my DH works Mon-Fri

This year he has done quite a few big sporting events (which I was very 😑 about at the time) and I am slowly cashing in my time.
I have done quite a few dinners / nights out and an overnight too.

pictoosh · 01/09/2024 09:54

Just do the bare minimum required then sort it out together once he's home.

Pippa12 · 01/09/2024 09:56

I think if you agreed to it then you just have to suck it up. But only if the tables were turned he’d do the same for you.

Testina · 01/09/2024 09:59

He’s generally a good partner, you agreed to him going and you didn’t raise an issue before he went. It’s fine to feel overwhelmed and wish you’d spoken up, but it’s not his fault, resenting him isn’t fair. Just make sure you get some rest when he gets back.

OhmygodDont · 01/09/2024 10:01

I don’t personally see why a 2 hour flight requires three days. Fly in morning off fly out morning after 🤷🏻‍♀️

Still be there for his wife and two children who sound stuck in the slog part and see his family and cousins wedding.

notanarchaeologist · 01/09/2024 10:05

Meh not unreasonable OP. You can both agree to the plan when in a planning state of mind and then the reality of actually living through the weekend whilst he goes off and has a good time can still be irksome. Those two things dont need to be mutually exclusive.

My OH has a lot of friends who are a few years younger than us so they went through stags dos and weddings when we were in the throws of life with a small baby. I'd done most of my hens and weddings 5 years previously. Wasn't going to stop DH going if he wanted to go, really do think it's important to maintain friendships and attend those events with people you love. Even in hindsight I'm glad he went. But simultaneously it did feel decidedly unfair that my life was turned totally on its head (bye bye job, bye bye social life, bye bye sleep, bye bye so many things) whilst he was still getting pissed in whatever city/country with family/friends like nothing had changed. Emotions are complicated!!

Scammersarescum · 01/09/2024 10:07

Make sure you get an equal break away.

And next time don't soldier on through if you don't feel you can. Raising kids can feel like going to war. You're not a failure if you find it hard. We are constantly bombarded as women with messages about how we should be able to cope with everything, sort everything out and put our own needs absolutely last.

Unless we raise our voices to explain to society how tough a woman's load is, (and getting tougher all the time now we are expected to be thin, beautiful, sexy, kind, nurturing, giving, empathetic and have a career) women's massive contributions to society will continue to be undervalued and overlooked.

It was a cousin with whom he has a distant relationship. He didn't need to go and you didn't need to suffer as a result of him going.

Wendysfriend · 01/09/2024 10:19

You both agreed to this. Unfortunately sometimes things don't run smoothly. You've a new baby and a toddler at the worst age. Of course you're feeling resentful.

You say he's normally wonderful and helps you so I wouldn't be planning tit for tat, this was agreed by you both, he went thinking you were ok with this plan.

In future when things like this happen you should all go together and if it's child free weddings, you can take turns to stay at the hotel with the children, this way you're both away, together and mucking in helping each other.

He'll be home soon, you can catch up on some rest I'm sure as he's a good guy he'll take over and ensure this happens.

GabriellaMontez · 01/09/2024 10:24

Everything's hard with 2 that age.
Including weddings/outings/holidays.

But we still do them... well we did. I would have gone to the wedding. Sorry, that's not what you asked. But it's my perspective.

Imanontoday · 01/09/2024 10:29

I also think it’s reasonable, it would be hugely unreasonable for him not to be able to go. However I’d advise you not to take it out on him.

Ihadenough22 · 01/09/2024 12:47

I have friends and family who have children from 4 up to their early 20's. When there kids were at your kids age's they decided if and when they would attend various events like stag's, hens, weddings, nights away with friends ect. They had a few years of attending very little things.
In your situation I would see if you can get the toddler into a preschool a few hours each day if you're at stay at home parent as it would give you a few hours of a break. It would be good for you and the toddler. It might help tire out the toddler as well.

If you are not breastfeeding I would get in contact with friends and try to met up the odd Saturday for lunch ect. It would give you something to look forward to and the odd child free brake is good for you as well.

When your husband comes back from the wedding make sure that he knows that you want a night away in the next few months once the baby is a bit older. I think at your kids age's you in the thick of it and it important that you both have some children time. When your kids are older try and get family ect to mind the kids so you can have the odd night away as a couple.

Crickets7 · 01/09/2024 12:49

I think it's fine, bitter is not a good look

Anonym00se · 05/09/2024 06:39

It’s normal for you to be struggling and feel resentful and abandoned with two little ones, despite what the Supermums on here say. But I’m older now and my kids are grown up, and I can remember lots of occasions where I went along with a plan that I wasn’t happy with, just to keep the peace or not appear ‘unreasonable’. In those instances it was my own fault that I ended up in those situations.

Try and rehearse what you would do differently next time. If something is sprung on you, you can say “Can I have some time to think about the logistics of this before we commit to this plan?” Strengthen your own boundaries and find your voice.

RhaenysRocks · 05/09/2024 07:00

Sorry but gently, YABU. My ex went to a wedding on the other side of the world for 5 days when mine were exactly that age. It's hard but it's just life as a parent. I'm now a SP and the key really is planning, strategies and lower standards. If you're knackered, get some easy snacks and finger food, put in cbeebies and do gentle play on the floor. A slow stroll through a forest or park, just don't try to keep everything as normal.

Welshmonster · 05/09/2024 07:13

When he returns, book time in to see your family and just tell them you want to sleep. Getting some rest will help

Ladyritacircumference · 05/09/2024 07:38

Don’t waste energy on feeling bitter. Organise a few days away for you and a friend. Or, wait for a similar family event with your relatives whereby he can return the favour.

darkchocolateisbetter · 05/09/2024 07:41

i wouldn't have agreed to that wedding given the circumstances. But you did. I don't understand why your DH would want to go given it's a cousin he isn't close to and it's a 2h flight away. What's wrong with his priorities? Can you go away for a long weekend solo when he is back? also why does a 2h flight require a 3 day trip. Overnight would have done???

LazyLeopard · 05/09/2024 07:44

It’s fine to feel it - even if you agreed it. When things are hard it’s ok to be grumpy and wish things were different. I know I had an incredibly hard toddler and a small baby.

DH used to away for a few nights a month with work.

It was what we agreed, but i was still jealous of his lovely calm quiet hotel room and sleep through the night, especially when the little sods were having 4am tantrums because of the wrong colour dummy.

Just like I’m resentful of my very well off sister who hasn’t worked a day in her life and her to-do list includes ‘make countdown to holiday poster for fridge’ (her not her teenager)

Doesn’t mean I give them a hard time, but I can hmph about it quietly to myself and wish it was me!

DiscontentedPig · 05/09/2024 07:55

He should have known how hard you would find it, and he shouldn't even have suggested going. That being said, which of us can say that we always do what we should?

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