Would you assume you're invited?

[InTheMiddleOfTheRoom]

My boyfriend/partner's brother contacted him midweek asking if he's free tomorrow. He said he was and they've arranged to go for a drink. He's assumed I'm included and is insisting I go. I'm assuming I'm not because I wasn't mentioned in any of the messages.

Boyfriend's sister in law will be there but they've been married for 20 years and so they obviously all know each other well. I've met his brother and his wife twice and very briefly.

Boyfriend won't clarify because he says it obvious I'm invited. I don't think it is.

YABU - of course you're invited

YANBU - I wouldn't assume I was invited unless specifically mentioned.

To be honest, if my brother had been with someone for 2 years and I'd only met her a few times and we suggested a drink and he didn't bring her, I'd actuall be pretty insulted and would assume she doesn't want anything to do with us.

Go have a bloody drink.

I would go if I wanted to, and BC DH has basically extended the invite to me, so clearly wants me there. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't.
I would take it that if I wasn't in fact invited then it would not be me that was embarrassed, but my husband who brought me along. They are hardly going to shun you and turn you away?

Is it? My partner and I have been together nearly 3 years and I’ve only met his brother and parents twice. He’s visited them maybe 6 times in the time we’ve been together but I haven’t gone with him every time. I don’t think that’s weird or unusual at all, we have our own life doing stuff with friends.

I wouldn’t assume I was invited OP but if the brother’s wife is going I think it’s fine for you to go too

I'd definitely want him to check, but if SIL is definitely there I'd say yes you are invited.

Do you know exactly what his DB said? Even then it may be ambiguous...

Many moons ago, my boss invited me (and my colleague) to dinner at his house. Words something like 'would you like to come to dinner'.

Well, we went ... and then we seemed to be waiting quite a while. Eventually my boss asked if I knew when my DH would be arriving. I'd had no idea he was included in the 'you', my boss just assumed a dinner invitation to someone married or with a steady parter was to both!

So... either of you and your DP may be right. It'd be best if he just clarified, but tbh as it's just a drink in a public bar or cafe, it's probably more awkward if the DB meant to include you and you don't show up, vs if he meant just your DP and you come too.

Say to him look, it may be obvious to you but it's not to me and if you want me there I need you to check with your brother that I'm invited

In this case I'm inclined to say trust his interpretation over yours. He knows them best.

Also if you are not very confident you are going to be more likely to put a negative spin on it than interpret it neutrally/ "correctly" IYSWIM.

Do you know exactly what his DB said? Even then it may be ambiguous...

He just asked are you free at the weekend? My partner just replied yes. He asked do you want to go for a drink? And they made the plans. Brother mentioned his wife would be there and that they hadn't see each other in a while so it would be nice to catch up. I wasn't mentioned.

On the basis that SIL is going then I’d assume you’re invited as it will include spouses/partners. If she wasn’t going then I’d assume it was just the men.
Your boyfriend should really do you the courtesy of sending a quick message along the lines of “@InTheMiddleOfTheRoom just wants me to check that she’s invited as well or is it just us?” if he knows you’re worried about it though.

Can’t you just ask your boyfriend if you’re invited rather than just assume?

If they say yes jobs a good un and you go, if they say yes they’ll invite you.

If your boyfriend has invited you then it's fine to go

You've been together for two years - of course they would expect you to be there if the SIL is there too. If it was just his brother asking, that would be different.

why, does everyone else's lives have to revolve around your plans if you demand their presence?

I wouldn’t say you’ve been explicitly invited. But I’d also not take it as not being invited. Go if you want. It’s not the type of occasion there needs to be much forward planning for!

Going for a drink I would. The more the merrier.

If the brothers partner is going I'd assume.you are invited too. If not I'd assume.its just the brothers

Well, that's not what I said, at all. It's clear she doesn't see his family often so it's not like anyone is demanding anything. But if his family live close enough by to meet up for a drink, and she's not interested in ever attending, yes, I'd have a problem with that. Both DH and I spend plenty of time with our respective families without each other, but there are times when of course we both turn up and certainly, I'd think that a casual drink down the pub with brother and sil is one of them.

@InTheMiddleOfTheRoom

2 years?? Why don't you feel more comfortable around his brother yet?

if SIL is going to be there, then
id day you're invited. I'd suggest your boyfriend knows his brothers intent better than you do, so just go.

If SIL will be there I'd assume are invited. If she wasn't going I'd assume not.

Did you say going for a drink as in going out, not to theirs? If out definitely normal to bring you. If theirs well, normal too really, why would they particularly be meeting as a 3 if you've been together 2 years? I might just check in case they were cooking but that would be the only thing.

Im sure they'd be happy to see you.

If it was to discuss something serious or meet just as a pair then he would have said that

To me that would make it obvious you’re invited.

Even if you had given no indication that the invitation was for both of them? I'm with @InTheMiddleOfTheRoom if I wasn't mentioned I wouldn't go without checking first

"Brother mentioned his wife would be there and that they hadn't see each other in a while so it would be nice to catch up. I wasn't mentioned."

See that sounds to me like you are not invited.

Not seen him in a while and nice to catch up doesn't sound like it includes someone they've met twice.

@DreamW3aver Yes. after 2 years, an invitation from DB and SIL would be assumed to include both me and DP. Absolutely. Might be different if we'd only been together a few months.

By 2 years in, in most cases the relationship is relatively serious and settled. So yes, I'd expect that this sort of socialising to be with both. And certainly, while we would have LOVED to see less of BIL, it was always assumed that if we (me and DH) were inviting SIL somewhere, her (now ex)DP would be invited too. DH would meet with her without me or him, sure. And I'd meet her sometimes just us for "girls" time, also fine. But in both of our families it would be considered extremely rude for me and DH to invite SIL and exclude a long-term DP. Frankly, one of the best things about their break up is we don't have to have him around anymore.

If its all couple ,s than yes i would assume you had been invited ,assuming they know you are an established couple.