MIL wants baby alone

[nrasy7]

Me and MIL haven’t always had the best relationship since DS was born. She’s a decent person but had a drinking problem which she is now sorting out. Because of this we have only just started taking DS who is 10 months old to visit her. She only lives a 5 minute drive away. Bit of a background is I’m still on maternity and will only return to work 2 days a week so my own DM will have DS during that time and she usually has him if I need to go out somewhere alone or on a date night with DH. He has started crying for me a lot but is used to my DM so eventually calms down.

After 3 visits my MIL came out and said “I think we need to see if he’ll stay with me without you here.” I kind of ignored her and then she said “we’ll try it this weekend” I just replied with I don’t really like leaving him with anyone unless I have a reason to. I don’t mean it in a bad way it’s just he cries for me and I enjoy being a parent I don’t feel like I need a break” MIL said she understands and she’ll take him out and about when he’s old enough to understand maybe at age 3 or 4. This made me feel bad inside, was it wrong of me to have said this?

Despite her drinking problem she raised my DH and his siblings very well and can be trusted but it's more the fact she just assumed I'd allow her to have my DS on her own like she's had her own children already so why would she even want me to leave him.

You wouldn’t have mentioned her drinking problem if it wasn’t a concern.

It’s clearly at the forefront of you mind.

And rightly so. I wouldn’t leave a baby with an alcoholic. Not even for an hour.

I think it's normal to feel like this. Many people prefer not to leave young babies if they don't have to. The complicating issue here is your MILs drinking problem. I'd want to be sure she had been dry for quite some time before letting her take the baby on her own.

If you are sure she is sober, maybe you could start with letting her coming to your sand taking baby out for a walk in the pram? I wouldn't really trust her with anything else for a considerable time to be honest.

Sounds like she accepted it completely and isn't making a fuss so I'm not sure what the issue is.

I personally think solo time with (reliable, trustworthy) grandparents is important, but this is your baby not anybody else's so you make the rules as to when and how long anyone gets to spend time with kiddo alone. So no, you shouldn't feel bad for gently setting a boundary with her. You're doing right by your baby and I agree with pp that I'd be taking it slow with her and wanting to ensure her sobriety before allowing any long solo time. Sounds like she's happy to work with you on that which is a good sign!

Most people prefer not to leave their babies so that’s a normal response. She likely sees that your mother gets to spend lots of time with her grandson and wants to have the opportunity to have the same sort of relationship. You don’t want her to have it and that’s your decision. None of us know the ins and outs but plenty of people don’t want specific relatives to have unsupervised time with their child so that’s not unusual.

She’d get to decide anything for your child, it’s very unreasonable for her to tell you you need to leave him with her. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. My mum is an alcoholic and my sil and db asked her to babysit and not drink. She promised and no surprise, lied, then hid the wine bottles at the bottom of the bin.

Don't feel bad about doing what you feel is for the best. Your MIL sounds to get it and is happy to wait until DS is older. As long as you get 'me' time and 'us' time with your DH by leaving DS with your mum and your DH isn't resenting you for not giving his mum a chance then all is ok.

Because she is a grandparent and loves her grandchild. Surely this is a good thing. Nobody is trying to replace you but it is perfectly normal for grandparents to spend time with their grandkids.
I grew up in continental Europe and the good old "village" upbringing is still very normal there. My parents didn't need a break but I still spent my days as a child going between houses of close family. As a result of that, I have an amazing bond with my wider family and feel supported and grounded in life.

To be fair, MIL appears to have taken it well.

As your child gets older, and hopefully MIL stays sober, you might reach a point where you are happy to leave them with her at your house while you go and get a haircut/coffee with a friend etc

Take it slowly because DC safety is paramount, but don’t write MIL off. She might come good.

would she have him while you go shopping?

You really don't need to justify to anyone why they can't have your baby alone...

So if it’s not her prior drinking problem that’s the issue, why are you treating her differently to your mum who clearly has the baby alone?

This . What do you mean by drinking problem ?
Pissed during the day regularly or just enjoys a few at home or pub in the evening when she didn’t have caring commitments?
It’s hard to gage what you mean.

What do you mean by drinking problem? How long has she been sober? Why did your DM get baby alone so often already (ds is only 10m old) if you enjoy parenting so much? I think we probably don’t know the full story - but seems like you don’t and will never trust her. No matter how long she stays sober. If that’s the case you need to be honest about it with everyone otherwise your DM getting so much access to your kids will leave you open to accusations of unfairness.

I also think your babies should not be alone with your DM overnight more than whats required at this age. Would probably leave the date nights for when he’s a toddler and find some professional childcare in the week when mat leave ends.

That's unfair, Op said she's sorting herself out.

Op you say yourself she's a good mother. If you let your mum then you should let her.

Speaking as someone who has no family support, I really wouldn't push away someone who you say you fundamentally trust. You may need her some day. It's never a bad thing to have your child used to other people.

E.g. if your mum isn't well or has an appointment or goes on holiday when you're back to work, it would be great to have your MIL able to babysit

Since you already leave your baby with your own mum, you're clearly comfortable leaving her. Why not ask her next time you need to go somewhere alone or have a date night?

I'm guessing that your mum assumed the same thing? They're both grandparents of a child they love. It's absolutely the norm for caring grandparents to look after their grandchild without the parents present.

Drinkers' main relationship is with the drink.

You don't want your child under a drinker's sole influence and control.

Your no means no.

She sounds perfectly reasonable to me. She said she'd take him for days out when he was 3 or 4 years old and better able to appreciate it. It doesn't sound as though she made a fuss or applied any pressure.

I don't know why you're so baffled by her desire to look after her grandson. Are you equally confused by your own mother's wish to have him all to herself? I doubt it very much. Why do you feel that MIL shouldn't want any grandchild time because she had children of her own? Does the same logic apply to your own mother? It's perfectly normal for grandparents to want to love and nurture grandchildren. Surely you must know this, or has it come as a complete shock to you?

My mum is a drinker too OP. It usually means a lot of selfishness so I understand your reluctance even if she's now sorting it out.

I also think her wording would get my back up a bit: "we need to see"? Why? That's your decision. And her seemingly taking it well just sounds like her laying on the guilt. Sorry to be negative, but I've had years and years of this kind of thijg and have no patience with it!

She's not made a fuss but it's never a bad idea to start to introduce additional caregivers in short doses because in emergency situations or if your mum simply can't have dc you know you have a plan b. Being so local you can leave them for an hour to go shopping perhaps at first.

She may not be your mum but she is equal in terms of grandmother and you say the alcohol isn't an issue per se. Daytime in short bursts also means alcohol is less of an issue anyway.

I'm not suggesting doing anything you are really going against your gut instincts but so often mil's are not trusted by dil purely because they aren't their mum and you obviously are ok with leaving your dc

Well maybe she assumed she could look after him for an odd time here or there because she is the grandmother, the same as your own mother looks after him the odd time when you need her . You said she can be trusted, so why just your mum and not her .

She's granny. Like your mum is

Get her round to yours

You go shopping and leave her for an hour alone at yours

Or let her take for a walk to feed ducks

Start slowly

My own DM has never once asked to have my DS on her own it has always been me requesting this. She actually prefers it when I'm there with him.

Nope absolutely don't do it as someone who has an alcoholic parent and I just had my 1st baby as much as I love them and despite the drinking they are they best in the world I absolutely would not leave my daughter with them.