MIL wants baby alone

[nrasy7]

Me and MIL haven’t always had the best relationship since DS was born. She’s a decent person but had a drinking problem which she is now sorting out. Because of this we have only just started taking DS who is 10 months old to visit her. She only lives a 5 minute drive away. Bit of a background is I’m still on maternity and will only return to work 2 days a week so my own DM will have DS during that time and she usually has him if I need to go out somewhere alone or on a date night with DH. He has started crying for me a lot but is used to my DM so eventually calms down.

After 3 visits my MIL came out and said “I think we need to see if he’ll stay with me without you here.” I kind of ignored her and then she said “we’ll try it this weekend” I just replied with I don’t really like leaving him with anyone unless I have a reason to. I don’t mean it in a bad way it’s just he cries for me and I enjoy being a parent I don’t feel like I need a break” MIL said she understands and she’ll take him out and about when he’s old enough to understand maybe at age 3 or 4. This made me feel bad inside, was it wrong of me to have said this?

But she does have him on her own. Anyway, I don't see the issue. Your MIL asked, you said no, she didn't argue. She said she'd take him out and about when he was older. There is absolutely nothing unusual about grandparents taking grandkids for days out, or on holiday, or for sleepovers. In what parallel universe is that weird behaviour? It's far more unusual for grandparents not to want to have them.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of a gran to want to think that at some point they could have care their grandchild in the same way that most grandparents do from time to time. She’ll also be aware that your mum takes him which probably feels quite hurtful to her.
It’s also perfectly reasonable for you to have reservations given her alcohol issues which I’m going to assume are/were serious given that she is getting help. You’ll be worried about her care of your child being lax/unsafe but also, I’m guessing contact has been limited until now because of her drinking so your child possibly does know her so well? At least not to be cared for alone.
If it’s still early days I too would be wary. But if she stays on the right track then I think there will come a day, assuming she stays on the path to sobriety, when previous drinking issues won’t be enough of a reason.
It doesn’t sound like she is pushing it massively and has accepted what you’ve said. But to say maybe not till he’s three or four was possibly a little unkind. It might have been better to talk openly about how you know it’s early days with her dealing with her alcohol issues and now maybe isn’t the best time.
Maybe the first step would be to let her take him for a walk or short outing but spend time with her first- you’d surely be able to tell if she’d been drinking or there was a smell of alcohol from her?

I've had my own children already. Doesn't stop me wanting and enjoying time with my grandchildren with and without their parents. That's a very strange statement.
If your MIL is a good person you could start by leaving your baby with her for very short periods and then increasing it slowly. The more people to call on for help when you have children the better!

As she appears to have coped well with being told no I wonder if she asked so that you had the option. She knows that you have childcare sorted for your return to work and date nights etc but maybe she wants you to know that she could be an option? She knows why she previously wouldn’t have been an option.

I would encourage the relationship in other ways, days out together, involved in what your dc is up to just to show her that you want them to have a bond regardless on alone time.

Regardless of the drinking problem, if you don't want to leave your baby then don't.

My mil has looked after my dd without us there lots of times but my own parents never have. They really want to and are always asking and it's getting really awkward because they know I've left her with mil, dh sisters plus summer camps and stuff like that. My mum had lots of mh problems and problems with pills over the years (but is thankfully a lot more stable now) and my dad is a recovering alcoholic sober for over ten years. She would likely be ok left with them but past experiences have left me with too many doubts. I'm not going to risk it, not with my child. Go with your instincts.

You set boundaries and she accepted them. I don’t see the problem? You don’t need her to be childcare, you have reasonable concerns about her, so you’ve done the sensible thing.

“I think we need to see if he’ll stay with me without you here.

Well for starters you don't need to do that. There is literally no need.

On top of that, you don't want her to and you get to decide.

Yanbu.

You don't have to share your baby with anyone. No one has any right to time alone with them except you and the father. Having said that, I think she handled it well and hasn't pushed any boundaries. Obviously, if you still feel the same way when the baby is older and she asks again that might change. But for now she's been respectful from the information we've been given here.

Don’t feel bad, you’ve made your boundary clear in a calm reasonable way and it’s been accepted :) alcoholic or not you don’t have to allow your child to stay over with anyone it’s 100% your choice and you don’t need a reason

We have two sets of grandparents who we had issues with caring for our kids (step parents so we had 3 sets)

My mum is an alcoholic- she has never cared for my kids for longer than an hour but there were periods where my husband and I could pop for a quick pint if they were all set up with activities and my mum was going through a dry patch (we didn't see her often and she was on her best behaviour as she knew we wouldn't visit). That's stopped now as she started drinking again and is now too unwell.

My in-laws are different- they mean well but are too nervous to do any actual care. We left out eldest with them for 2 hours one evening and I told them she was due to do a poo but they didn't check, blatantly ignored the smell and were in denial when we came back. Once nappies weren't an issue we tried again but they are just shit. One time we were in a pub next to a park having a quick half of coke and my youngest asked for a wee (he was about 4). Instead of bringing him to us in the pub they didn't know what to do and he wet himself and was really upset. We haven't bothered since as they have no common sense (even when we're there and the kids are playing a game with them and one says they need a wee they don't know if it's ok for them to go- they just can't be decisive).

My dad on the other hand is great- we don't ask him much though as he does so much childcare for other grandkids and we only see him 3 times a year.

I'd try for short amounts when you're ready and see how they go.