DH temper

[littlehorsesthatrun]

My husband and I have been having problems and I keep going through phases of considering divorce. We have four kids, one is my DH’s and at Uni and the others are 15, 12 and 6.
DH is a good man, and loves his children more than anything. Early in our relationship, after our eldest together was born, he left me for another woman. He came back and I forgave him. I really regret this at times as the damage to my trust has never really gone. Very occasionally I catch him checking out a woman (probably most men do this) and I find this really hard.
He has done his best I believe to rebuild trust. He tries to split the load, he works hard and earns well and he is an equal parent as far as looking after the kids, although a bit of a disney dad and to be fair I do most of the life admin.
The biggest issue is there have been incidents where his temper scares me. He loses control and shouts really aggressively. He took a hot drink out of my hand and threw it behind me. This rarely happens and is balanced by good times. I just feel trapped in a loop. Last night we were out with the kids and someone bumped my eldest- it was a young person maybe a Uni student- and did it on purpose messing around in front of his mates. DH lost it and started yelling super aggressively. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong but what kind of example is it?
Please be gentle with me- can I work through this? He said he would go to anger management last time I got to tipping point but nothing happened. My eldest is doing GCSEs this year and the thought of upending their worlds is so hard.

He said he would go to anger management last time I got to tipping point but nothing happened.

You want him to change but he doesn't want to. So it won't happen. Just in case you didn't know, throwing things in anger is considered domestic abuse. Sorry

He cheated on you and still checks out women. He’s a ‘good dad’ but a ‘Disney dad’. And the cherry on top - he’s aggressive and violent. I’d love to know what makes you think he’s a ‘good man’?

There is only one solution but you should’ve done it years ago. LTB.

@Screamingabdabz I posted because when I read threads that I relate to it always sounds this simple and straightforward- but it isn’t.
My kids would describe him
as a good loving dad. They love him
to pieces. The temper problem is few and far between- I know it’s bad though. The decision to break up a family is so hard isn’t it- and he’ll still be in their lives.

He needs to get help with his anger management. I'd start quietly getting my ducks in a row. If he doesn't get help then you can split after your child has done GCSEs. Living without trust, and sometimes feeling frightened, means your relationship is not strong and supportive. You deserve better.

He’s making lots of effort to be loving this morning. I think he knows how it affects us but I think you’re right that he just doesn’t want to change or see he’s done anything wrong. He just doesn’t want me to leave him

Sorry but I can't believe in the same paragraph you have written 'he's a good man' and 'after our eldest was born he left me for another woman' !!!

Good men don't leave their partners and new children for other women.

YABU for continuing to have children with this man.

He's an abusive twat and you are a mug. He won't change.

Just wanted to say something about you stating you believe that your children would describe their father as a good dad. When my eldest was 9 I took her and her little brother with me to refuge when I left their abusive dad. My youngest never really spoke about his dad for years. I now realise he was traumatised and that haunts me. My eldest literally said at the time and for a while after she didn’t understand why we left- ours was a happy, normal home. That haunts me too. She had no idea that what happened to us wasn’t acceptable or ok. Over the years she has realised mostly by herself due to new surroundings and people in our lives.

What I’m saying is, your children might say that about their dad now, they don’t know any different, but in the future that might well change. Whether you stay with him or not. And as you’re in abusive relationship with him I would advise you don’t stay with him.

He is abusive and cheats. This isn’t a good man. He will be considered to be emotionally abusing your children. Why would you stay with him? You need to go to counselling to decide what you want to do.

Well no, nice men don’t check out other women or shout a lot or throw things. Why is your self esteem and / or perception of relationships so poor that you think this is the behaviour of a good man? Because it isn’t.

OP, when you say he is a good man... I think what you are trying to say is that 'sometimes he is nice'. I wouldn't even get distracted by the absolutes of whether he is good or bad... They paralyze us and don't help. I'd just start thinking and expressing it in terms of behaviour. Your husband cheats, leaves you when you are vulnerable, is sometimes violent and aggressive, doesn't think he is doing anything wrong, and he promises to change and then breaks his promises....and he is sometimes nice.

What you are saying is true- I was a mug to take him back. I regret it but I don’t regret my kids. The way I’ve explained this is if you’re drowning and someone throws you a life ring you don’t ask questions. I struggled
so hard when he left- I was young and my mum was seriously ill- I had no support. The other part, yes you’re right about those things but the temper and worries are very few and far between. That’s why Im posting but I know really you’re all right. He’s never hurt me, but he has made me frightened. Never in front of the kids
Its not ok at all I know that

That is the classic cycle of abuse.

I recommend you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, he is not a good man/father, because he treats the mother of his children poorly. Nothing else he does for his children makes up for the pain the abuse of their mother causes them.

Similarly, how would you feel if one of your children ended up with a partner who treats them the way he treats you? The best thing you can do for your children is model boundaries with regards to acceptable behavior. If you won't put up with being treated like that by a partner, your children are less likely to accept partners who'll treat them badly in the future.

OP do you want to stay with him? Do you really love him? You talk about how he is a good dad and does his fair share in the house but not much about his relationship with you. What's important here is if you really want to be with him and believe he can change or wants to.

Isn't he horrified that you feel scared of his temper? This alone should make him realise he needs to get help. If he tries to downplay it and acts like he's done nothing wrong, that's a big problem.

If you decide to give him an ultimatum - get help with anger management or leave - make sure you are prepared to follow through.

Professional anger management can often be effective, but only if he goes and fully engages even when that means making sacrifices, doing difficult work, and accepting that there'll be some failures and setbacks but he's got to keep trying. And similar is true for rebuilding trust after cheating - it's possible in some cases, but it takes a huge amount of frustrating and time-consuming work that many people simply can't or won't do. (And if it is the case that he is abusive, options like couples counseling aren't an option.)

Even if he were the world's greatest dad, that isn't the same as being a good partner. He SHOULD be doing his half of the childcare and parenting as a baseline. I'm sure you're a good mother too, and you'd ideally both continue being good parents together or apart. And as a partner, he'd ideally be loving because he loves and respects you, not as a temporary tactic to stop you from leaving (or from making a fuss).

Would you have to upend the children's world if you did decide to split? Is there a way it's logistically (including financially) feasible for one of you to stay in your current home with the children while the other stays elsewhere? If you delay a necessary and inevitable breakup to avoid disrupting the children it's going to be a long time until here's a "good time"; it's another twelve years at least until your youngest might be out of school and working or at uni.

Would he consider counselling?

If you're at breaking point, I would give an ultimatum. 6 sessions of counselling or it's over. Find a counsellor, find out the costs, availability etc so all that needs to be done is a nod from him. Making it easy for him isn't so he doesn't have to bother, it's to make it happen. Make him know you're serious and you want it booked by Monday. You're literally leading the horse to water, the question is if he will drink.

If he doesn't, then you know it's never going to happen. Temper is a tough one as it can be learned and become habitual. Most people don't want to lose their temper but get to a stage where it's difficult to control and the trigger flicks a switch each time but it can be changed if he works to identify why he needs to change and identify his triggers and alternate actions he can take.

couples counselling in an abusive relationship is a bad idea. And he has proven he is abusive.

As someone said upthread, abuse happens in a cycle. He does something violent- throws the cup, shouts at you and frightens you, then acts sorry- maybe he even cries a bit to show his vulnerability, then he makes all sorts of promises about it not happening again. Then when he thinks he’s got away with that behaviour he starts again. Which is why ultimatums aren’t worth your time either. He’ll promise you the world one day and then deny he did the day after.

I think you feel ‘better the devil you know’ and really don’t want to the upheaval of splitting.
But really, though it will be hard in the short term, you should leave him.

We have done counselling, but he didn’t want to carry on after a while and I don’t know if it helped. We didn’t even get around to speaking about the anger in any depth. I don’t know if I still love him or just don’t want to face the impact on the kids. I have been thinking a lot if it’s temper and anger that can be dealt with or abusive behaviour. It’s hard to explain

If he cheats, is violent (even just sometimes), promises to change and doesn’t, he’s not a nice man and not a good dad.

Your children think he’s a good dad but that’s their normal.
I thought my dad was a good dad … until I left home and had my eyes opened. Even so, I married an abusive man because in my subconscious it was somehow acceptable.
Divorced now, thankfully.

What was your upbringing like?
Because this tends to go around in circles.
Unfortunately, it means if you don’t get away from him with your children, they may either become abusive themselves or succumb to abusive partners ( because it’s “ normal”).

He's making an extra effort to be loving at present
Its called love bombing so you won’t leave him and to convince you he really is a nice person.

His behaviour is part of the cycle of abuse. I doubt the tantrums are isolated incidents in that there will be a pattern of behaviour intended to maintain power and control.

What you're describing is probably the tip of the iceberg. I really suggest you contact a domestic abuse organisation and have a chat about his behaviour. I also suggest you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

He won't change OP and anger management won't make any difference.

I think your fear of change is paralyzing you and you aren’t being honest with yourself about DH.

He is an unpredictable aggressive cheat.

I suspect you will be so much happier without him.

He's not a good man. Almost no abusers are abusive all the time, they temper it with loving behaviour so you don't feel like it's "that bad". It's quite literally textbook.

Every single one of these "he's a good man except for all this horrible shit he does" threads I see I'm going to say it: a sandwich that's 95% wagyu beef and 5% shit is still a shit sandwich.

Exactly

I am slightly hesitant to tell you this story becuase I don't want to give you false hope but I will anyway as I hope the key message comes through - that improvements are up to HIM, not you.

DH has never cheated on me (as far as I know). However, he also struggled with anger. Practicalyl from te start, he would occasionally have these massive bursts of anger that were entirely OTT and terrifying. And of course, afterwards, there would always be a bit of gaslighting (it wasn't that bad, but I am sorry) or whatever because of course, he didn't want to admit that HE was the problem. And he was (is) a good man - loving, kind, supportive etc. So I'd let these moments go.

Then one day he had one of these fits of temper over something so incredibly ridiculous and to make matters worse, he did it while driving the car and nearly caused a really bad accident. It was a lightbulb moment for me. And I realised that while he was a good man, I could not be with someone like this because in those moments, his behaviour is NOT that of a good man. It's controlling and abusive and borderline violent. And that over time I would be questioning everything I said or did to prevent an irrational outburst of anger. So I told him the relationship was over if he didn't get help and I went to my sister's house and cried for 3 straight days. Truthfully, I think my sister hoped it would be over.

But he did it. He got help and started therapy THAT week. And he did the work. And it was hard. and it took a long time and he had to relook at everything he thought he knew about himself and his upbringing and his behvaiours.

We have been married now for almost 20 years. Mostly happily (we have our moments ). When DS was about 2, he started backsliding and he threw something one day. I very very calmly told him that I didn't know what was happening but be needed to sort it out, asap. which he did and, in fact, that was really helpful because he was able to share some of what was happening in his head after that and he has never behaved like that again. He still has a temper, of course. But the terrifying anger, the potential for violence, the gaslighting is all completely and totally gone.

But HE HAD TO DO THE WORK. And it's very obvious t me that your DH is not there. So you can tell him it's over unless he sorts it, but you have to have a very tight timeline - he needs to start therapy within weeks - and then stick with it.