DH temper

[littlehorsesthatrun]

My husband and I have been having problems and I keep going through phases of considering divorce. We have four kids, one is my DH’s and at Uni and the others are 15, 12 and 6.
DH is a good man, and loves his children more than anything. Early in our relationship, after our eldest together was born, he left me for another woman. He came back and I forgave him. I really regret this at times as the damage to my trust has never really gone. Very occasionally I catch him checking out a woman (probably most men do this) and I find this really hard.
He has done his best I believe to rebuild trust. He tries to split the load, he works hard and earns well and he is an equal parent as far as looking after the kids, although a bit of a disney dad and to be fair I do most of the life admin.
The biggest issue is there have been incidents where his temper scares me. He loses control and shouts really aggressively. He took a hot drink out of my hand and threw it behind me. This rarely happens and is balanced by good times. I just feel trapped in a loop. Last night we were out with the kids and someone bumped my eldest- it was a young person maybe a Uni student- and did it on purpose messing around in front of his mates. DH lost it and started yelling super aggressively. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong but what kind of example is it?
Please be gentle with me- can I work through this? He said he would go to anger management last time I got to tipping point but nothing happened. My eldest is doing GCSEs this year and the thought of upending their worlds is so hard.

So you don’t want to upset your child’s exam year but you are happy for him to live in a house where a grown adult throws scalding liquids around and hollers at everyone?

Anger can be dealt with, but only through intensive counseling. He went for a bit because you insisted, I'm sure, but he didn't continue because deep down he doesn't think he's wrong to express anger violently toward you, or he doesn't think his family is worth the effort it would take to change. IOW, he's not willing to do the hard work to deal with his violent tendencies, because his comfort is more important to him than your safety is.

Anger issues escalate, OP. He's already a violent, abusive cheater. Please think hard about the example this is teaching your children, and don't gaslight yourself into thinking they don't know what he's really like. They do.

The kids will still know. They are still being abused and you’re still failing to protect them from abuse.

Oh Op, dig deep. Do you really want to continue this relationship?

Pull the band aid off.

Your children will be fine (and don't think they aren't impacted by this unhealthy marriage) but you will lose more years and more of yourself by staying.

This rarely happens and is balanced by good times. I just feel trapped in a loop. Last night we were out with the kids and someone bumped my eldest- it was a young person maybe a Uni student- and did it on purpose messing around in front of his mates. DH lost it and started yelling super aggressively.

They did it on purpose? You are constantly countering OP.

Only you know what the best course of action is. I knew and I acted on it.

Good luck.

Your husband is an angry piece of 💩.
Poor man probably has some "unresolved issues".
Leave him to fucking rot, that would be my advice.

Honestly...and ill probably get destroyed for saying this- i dont know anyone who has a husband or partner who isnt aggressive. Especially with the stress of being a parent. Do you never lose your temper? Seems minor to break up a family over. Life isn't perfect. People arent perfect.

That's terrible! I'm sorry to hear that male aggression is your norm. I do think that aggression is a very good reason to divorce. No one should be frightened in their own home or tread on egg shells around a parent.

I don't want to 'destroy' you but I will say that this may be because people who tolerate aggression and aggressive people attract each other as well so couples in abusive relationships will know each other. If they found this behaviour intolerable they wouldn't spend time together.

My dad's family were all like this, and all the kids were affected.

I don't lose my temper, nor does DH. We may feel angry or shitty, cross, frustrated etc and sometimes we don't like each other's behaviour but no one throws things or is abusive (no name calling, yelling, swearing at each other etc). We both have flaws of course 😀

My point is that this may be your experience and I know it well due to family, but it isn't some kind of normal default, it's a choice.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. You don't need an excuse to leave a relationship you are unhappy in but you have excuses staring you in the face. He is aggressive and he scares you, and you are not happy.
I left a relationship that was awful, gaslighting, emotional abuse, it made me a shell of who I was. I felt awful for breaking up the family, but do you know what? I am proud now. And happier x

Thanks to everyone who responded. I know I have a lot to think about. I definitely want to leave I know I do.

I think the big question is: do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? What will that look like? What happens when the kids leave and it's just the two of you over the breakfast table? Is that what you want?

Divorce is a big step. It's always horrible and very stressful. But then it's over and you build a life for yourself on your own terms.

Children who suffer abuse and neglect, including severe abuse and neglect usually love their parents, a child loving their parents isn’t proof a parent is in anyway a good parent.