To know this abuse but not leave

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I've slowly come to accept that my husband is emotionally abusing me. In the past few years I've had two friends experience domestic violence and in researching to try and help them I've realised that what my husband does isn't just cruel it would be classed as abuse. He's never been physically abusive it's all emotional. Mainly humiliation, gaslighting, he threatens to get rid of our dog constantly, lies about pointless things (smoking/money) then acts like I'm abusive when I find out and am confused or hurt, says he wants to divorce me (often when we're out at events or round family - not in front of people but obviously too upset me when we're out).

My parents and his parents have a similar dynamic. His Mum has actually said to me that his Dad was the same to her but after a few years it stopped upsetting her and now she just zones it out...like that was good marital advice. Having realised all of this I've thought about leaving but the prospect seems so huge and daunting that I don't think I can. And though I hate myself for this I found myself wondering what it would actually take for me to leave and I couldn't answer. Pathetic I know but I feel like I'm about to repeat history and be the next in a long line of women dissociating rather than leaving.

Are you scared to leave, or unsure how to leave, or just don't care enough to leave and just venting?

Do you have children?

Do you work? What's your life like outside of the marriage?

What are the reasons not to leave?

Is it children? Money? Or something more psychological.

If there are short term barriers could you maybe think of ways to do it in the future? (ie when kids have left home).

I can understand reasons why leaving may be daunting because of the impact on children. But if you’re not wanting to leave out of inertia or fear that’s something you could work on?

Yes you will be exactly like his mother and live a put up and shutup life, this is it this will be your life. That's what I felt like when I realised I needed to leave and trust me it is the hardest thing when you love them but I am proof it can be done, it's hard but just do it anyway.

You only get one life OP, is this really how you want to spend it?

Nobody can make you leave, but when you’re lying in bed 50 years from now do you want to look back on a life full of love, happiness, genuine care, or do you want to look back and realise you’ve spent all of it unhappy tied to someone who wants to see you miserable?

Leaving might be hard for a few years while you get yourself set back up as a single person, but rather a hard few years than a hard life.

YABU. I've been in the situation with an abusive man. I fled to a women's shelter, at age 19 with a 10 month old baby, with no job, no money and nowhere to go. You can do it too. It may take time but you owe it to yourself.

I cannot imagine living like that even for someone telling me something horrible even once. I would bring the word divorce to the man, not to upset him, but try to make him change. A friend of mine succeeded of taking a mummy's boy and raising herself a nice husband

Imagine he got hit by a bus tomorrow. Would you feel relief?

If you continue on this path, you will either be unhappy or just completely resigned to your fate. He will not change.

If you leave, you have a good chance of meeting someone who brings you true happiness. Someone who cares for you, respects you and loves you just as you are. You also will be proving to yourself that you respect yourself, and can continue exploring what makes you happy - taking up a new hobby, having a solo trip somewhere or with friends, enjoying little things. I imagine if you left you would feel like a huge weight has lifted. You deserve happiness.

@AutumnFroglets probably all of the above. I came across a post somewhere which described a similar situation as a 'tolerable level of permanent unhappiness'. I feel like there are so many red flags there that trying to leave will trigger something worse and that's make scared. I don't know how I would with my specific situation (which I don't want to share but personal circumstances/health/work/finances) and most of the time it's that 'tolerable level' of unhappiness that I can function in. I feel sick thinking about how weak I am. Never really saw myself as someone who would accept a life like this but I am.

I don’t understand why you’d be ok being unhappy, even if you can tolerate it.

No one’s life is perfect and happy all of the time but if there is something that is making you unhappy, then you change it.

I was unhappy with the constant mess in my home, so I cleared out the junk and made a plan to keep on top of the cleaning.

I was unhappy in my job, so I did a course and applying for a new one.

I was unhappy with my weight and so I took steps to change it, by eating healthier, sleeping and walking more.

These things weren’t easy to do but it took me to take the steps needed to change them.

If there is any part of your life that you are unhappy with, then you should do what you can to change it.
We only have one life, it is way too short to waste it.

It is not easy leaving a relationship.
But it is much harder to stay in an unhappy one.

Totally get this. I'm frozen in an unhappy marriage, thank you for using the word 'dissociated' because that's exactly it. I just can't imagine leaving, but I can't work out why. You have all my sympathy but also my encouragement to find a way out xx

Please contact Women's Aid, they can advise you.

If no kids involved I don't care - it's your life.

If you have children it's not fair on them and 100% get out asap as they should be the priority.

I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Please start working towards a life without him. You don’t need to leave this minute or even have fully made up your mind, just make a start towards self sufficiency, as scary as it sounds. You’re stronger than you realise, believe me.

Do you have children with him?

im not sure about the question so I’ve not voted but LTB. Don’t be afraid to claim your own life - asap

With respect, thinking you can change a nasty, gaslighting abuser is a proud fool’s errand.
He won’t change.

First of all you are not weak. Ground down and slightly depressed is probably more accurate.

Try your library or see if there is a free pdf download. Read it and come back. Once you know what you really really want we can then advise you better

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776

I completely agree.

You can live your life however you want to.
If you are ok being unhappy then that’s your choice.

But when we have kids we have to put their needs before our own and it is not fair to keep kids in an abusive home (even if there is no physical violence).

If you have no children then fine, crack on and waste your one precious life.

If you have children, you cannot put them through this.

I was in a 20 years long marriage with a financial and emiotionally abusive man. I left 2 years ago. We had 2 teens together when I left and what finally made me take the step was when he became physically abusive towards our daughter. I had to plan it carefully and managed to get me and our two kids out of the UK and back to my home country. Neither of them have contact with him now but I have to sporadically because our divorce isn't final yet, well not the financial side, and other than the first couple of months after leaving (because he thought I'd come back) he has been so cruel and abusive. I am so glad I left, I am so glad we are in different countries and I have faith that this is the year I will finally become free of him properly. It's a long road for most of us abuse victims when we leave but it's going to be so worth it when it's over.

This. Do you have children? If so, then that is a whole other ball game. Knowingly remaining is in itself abusive and harmful and a failure to protect, what you decide to do as an adult however if it just you is up to you but know you deserve so much more than a lifetime of being unhappy and scared.

read “ the covert narcissist”
by Debbie someone ( can’t remember surname)
I was where you are at for 25 years.
dig deep and find out everything about gaslighting , NPD etc
I was being gas lit for years , turned out financial abuse etc etc
we tend to repeat old family dynamics,
learned behaviour,
the effects are eventually physical leading to all kinds of unwell ness, and what it does to children being raised in a household like that is a whole Other thing.
get your ducks in a row
and get free
good luck op