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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is a complicated one so I hope it makes sense

30 replies

helenabeesky · 30/08/2024 15:18

I have a dd aged 7 with my ex husband. We will call her Claire.

Claire has a half sister who we will call Emma. Emma is a few years old than Claire. Emma is/was my step daughter. She is from the relationship my ex husband had with his ex partner.

My ex husband and myself separated and are now divorced. My ex husband is abusive and just a bit of a twat. At the same time as our separation, Emma decided she no longer wanted anything to do with her dad anymore. This was a year ago and she hasn't seen him since. She had been very unhappy in the months leading up to it and very anxious but her dad failed to help her despite me begging him too many times.

This also meant that myself and my daughter Claire had not seen Emma. Myself and Emma's mum always got on ok but we had a few fall outs over the years.

Myself and dd have been recovering from what we have been through and it's been very tricky not seeing Emma but I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to get in touch with her mum. I had no idea if Emma wanted to see us or if it was just her dad she didn't want to see.

Fast forward to now, we have been in touch with Emma and I've had conversations with her mum and we have planned a day to meet up so the girls can see each other. Communication has been going well in between us all and Emma has desperately been missing us just as much as we have missed her.

The issue lies now with the one link between us all - my ex husband/the girls dad.

My ex husband has asked if he can see our daughter on the day we have planned to meet Emma. I said no, I didn't tell him why but then I figured that my dd might tell him so I told him we were actually planning on seeing Emma that day. This did not go down with my ex husband at all. He told me I needed to change the day as he should come first as her dad. He asked me 'what's more important? Surely it's me so I can give Claire her presents?'

The reason my ex husband wants to see dd on this particular day as because it's a few days after her birthday and he wants to see dd on that day to give her birthday presents - even though he has dd today. He could do it today or tomorrow but he's not organised enough and hasn't brought her anything yet. Her birthday is in 3 days. I offered him 3 alternative days he could have Claire but told him I am not cancelling the visit with Emma.

Ex also asked what had been said between me and Emmas mum and told me that he is convinced Emma's mum is stopping Emma from seeing him. As far as I understand, from what Emma's mum has said, the choice has been completely down to Emma.

I've told my ex husband that it isn't my place to get involved. That I'm just trying to do best for both girls for them to build their relationship back up and that's all. I'm not interested in finding anything else out.

This has really hit a nerve with my ex husband. I understand it must be awful for him to not have his older dd in his life but he cannot take any accountability for it. I really really don't want to get involved and I really don't want to fall out with my ex husband either - I've done the work but I still feel pretty trauma bonded to him.

I hope this makes sense, I'm just wondering if exh was out of order to demand me to cancel the visit? To say that dd seeing her dad was more important than her sister who she hasn't seen for a year?

I feel like I'm in such a tricky situation here.

OP posts:
Minikievs · 30/08/2024 15:27

I think you've done the right thing. You aren't telling him he can't see Claire. Just that that particular day doesn't work as you have pre arranged plans. You've offered alternatives. If he doesn't like it, that's on him.

Catza · 30/08/2024 15:28

You've done exactly the right thing here. Don't think any more about it. You offered him plenty of alternatives, he had a whole year to sort out a present for his daughter. It's on him.
It's not your place or your responsibility to be involved in his relationship with his other daughter. That's up to him and her mum.

PizzaPowder · 30/08/2024 15:29

You are doing amazing! Change no plans for this man.

DarkHollowTree · 30/08/2024 15:34

I suspect he felt entitled to an invite. If he can't go, no one can. How childish. A reasonable adult would accept one of the times you've offered that work, not try and disrupt plans his DC are already looking forward to.

Original poster
helenabeesky · 30/08/2024 15:49

It just shows me again that he hasn't changed.

Instead of being pleased that his daughters were going to see each other again after almost a year of no contact, he turned it into being about himself and how he should come first. It would have been nice if he understood and didn't want to come in between his daughters seeing each other.

He feels he is the victim in this. I also suspect he doesn't want me and his ex communicating as there's a lot of lies that he told me about her. I'm really not interested in that. It's in the past and just want what's best for the girls.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2024 16:00

How did he find out about the meet up session?

You should be able to meet up with Emma without him being there as you're facilitating the two half sisters meeting up.

Keep doing what you're doing and it will all be good in the end.

Cobblersorchard · 30/08/2024 16:04

Who you see on your days is nothing to do with him.

With a dickhead you are best sticking rigidly to agreed contact days and not deviating- even if that’s sometimes inconvenient for you. Only communicate with him via a co-parenting app and don’t engage in anything other than your child together.

Paisleydad · 30/08/2024 16:38

The girls come first. Dad sucks it up.

Original poster
helenabeesky · 30/08/2024 16:44

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2024 16:00

How did he find out about the meet up session?

You should be able to meet up with Emma without him being there as you're facilitating the two half sisters meeting up.

Keep doing what you're doing and it will all be good in the end.

I told him myself as I thought it was better coming from me rather than dd.

I wasn't planning on telling him so soon but typically he asked to see dd on the day we are meeting Emma.

I'm kicking myself for it now but I just didn't want him bombarding dd with a load of questions - she is very confused about the whole situation and doesn't understand why Emma doesn't see her dad anymore.

The whole thing is just awkward.

OP posts:
UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 30/08/2024 17:08

Yeah, unfortunately it was a mistake to tell him about seeing Emma. Yes, your daughter might have told him, but he's the grown up and it's his job to deal with those feelings. It is not your job to soften the blow for him.

For the future, don't mention Emma or her mother at all. (I'm assuming you don't have consent from Emma or her mother to share any information about them). Your stock answer about anything related to either of them should be "I can't discuss that".

If you are dealing with an abusive person, you should only share information on a need-to-know basis. He needs to know dates and times Claire is available to visit. Illness, allergies, stuff like that. But that's it.

Original poster
helenabeesky · 30/08/2024 17:18

UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 30/08/2024 17:08

Yeah, unfortunately it was a mistake to tell him about seeing Emma. Yes, your daughter might have told him, but he's the grown up and it's his job to deal with those feelings. It is not your job to soften the blow for him.

For the future, don't mention Emma or her mother at all. (I'm assuming you don't have consent from Emma or her mother to share any information about them). Your stock answer about anything related to either of them should be "I can't discuss that".

If you are dealing with an abusive person, you should only share information on a need-to-know basis. He needs to know dates and times Claire is available to visit. Illness, allergies, stuff like that. But that's it.

Whilst I agree to a certain extent, I told him to try protect my daughter.

He would have had the same reaction with her and probably asked her who was more important - her dad or her sister. Dd has been through enough drama with him and she's only just started to see him again after a period of no contact - all through her dad's choice.

I told my ex that I went be discussing it any further and that his relationship with Emma is to sort through her mum and not me.

But knowing my ex as well as I do, I knew he would have a tantrum regardless of who tells him and I would much rather that be at me than dd. It gave me a chance to tell him. It to even mention Emma to dd as dd doesn't need to be involved in it either.

I do agree that I should have kept quiet but I really was just trying to protect my daughter from any out burst from him.

OP posts:
Dotto · 30/08/2024 17:59

It's none of his business. Shut it down and carry on with your plans. You don't need to tell him anything that doesn't involve him.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/08/2024 18:04

Just reiterate it doesn't work that day as she is seeing her sister. What other day can you do to give Claire her presents?

Original poster
helenabeesky · 30/08/2024 18:09

Spirallingdownwards · 30/08/2024 18:04

Just reiterate it doesn't work that day as she is seeing her sister. What other day can you do to give Claire her presents?

I've given him other choices of days that work.

I'm not concerned about that, I'm concerned about his selfish reaction.

I would never change the plans for my ex husband.

His response showing he isn't pleased that the girls are going to see each other is what concerns me .

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 30/08/2024 18:13

Hopefully it's just the disappointment/annoyance of you not fitting him with what he wants to do or the fact he is having issues re access to Emma. I am sure once he calms down in his mind he will be pleased that the sisters are being sisters.

AdultChildQuestion · 30/08/2024 18:16

Emma is Claire's sister. If course the two girls need to keep a relationship going. The prior arrangement was with Emma. You should not cancel Emma in favour of dad. That would potentially ruin the relationship between Emma and Claire particularly since Emma is no-contact with the dad - she would be horribly offended.

The dad needs to grow up.

Give the dad alternative dates.

Original poster
helenabeesky · 30/08/2024 18:28

AdultChildQuestion · 30/08/2024 18:16

Emma is Claire's sister. If course the two girls need to keep a relationship going. The prior arrangement was with Emma. You should not cancel Emma in favour of dad. That would potentially ruin the relationship between Emma and Claire particularly since Emma is no-contact with the dad - she would be horribly offended.

The dad needs to grow up.

Give the dad alternative dates.

I agree. I did give him alternative dates but he was busy on all of them and kept saying I needed to cancel with Emma.

I know him well enough to know he's not busy. He makes up crap all the time. He was just angry about dd and Emma and blamed Emma's mother for everything.

I can understand it's a sore point to him. However he's also done himself no favours. He's current girlfriend is expecting a baby in a couple of months (we've been separated less than a year so you can do the maths) and instead of repairing the damage with his children, he's just repeating the same patterns. Emma wishes to have no contact with her dad and has no interest in the new baby either.

This is my ex husbands 4th child with the 4th mother. And he hasn't changed at all. I have sympathy for him but he takes no accountability so he will never learn what needs to be changed

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 30/08/2024 18:33

If he wants to see his DD on certain days regularly he can ask for a contact schedule to be set. He can take you to mediation/court if you refuse.

But if you don't have a schedule for visitation then he cannot expect you to change your plans when he decides to wants to see his DD.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 30/08/2024 18:40

He's going to turn up on the day. Make sure you leave earlier.

Next time if you want to tell him, tell him after the fact not before.
So after you've met up and before her has Claire again

SummerSplashing · 30/08/2024 18:51

@helenabeesky

Give this bellend no further thought, other than to tell Emma & her Mum that anything that comes from him re you/DD what you said/done/think is 99% likely to be utter bullshit & your relationship with them is between you &them - Bellend has no part of it.

I'm sure you've learnt your lesson. 'No DD is busy' is ALL you need to tell him

i hope the 4 of you have a lovely time.

Personally if Emma puts Claire off wanting to see him. It would be a good thing, not a bad thing!

you have to feel sorry for his new victim & child on its way.

Dont tell him where you're meeting. If someone has, change the location. You don't want bellend gate crashing

Wordsmithery · 30/08/2024 18:54

Personally I'd try to change the day Claire sees Emma (but don't tell Emma why because that adds an unnecessary layer of complications). Otherwise there's a chance Claire won't see her dad because he might decide he doesn't want to see her if she's friends with Emma... The last thing you want is for Claire to have to choose between her dad and Emma.
All very annoying, I'm sure, but you need to do what's best for the two girls.
And be very careful not to over share with your ex in future.

anareen · 30/08/2024 19:06

I wouldn't have mentioned his other daughter at all. I think that gave him a reason to be problematic. In the future I wouldn't say anything further. If days clash I would just say you have plans or something and that day doesn't work.

As far as visitation with your dd goes I would make something more concrete between you and your ex husband. The option of the courts is always something to consider as well if you find things aren't going smoothly.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/08/2024 09:17

Going forwards, if your ex doesn't need to know, well, he doesn't need to know.
You wouldn't be running other meeting-up arrangements by him so for this one you are taking the lead. If he wants to arrange a meet-up between his children, HE can do the arranging and not piggy back onto your time.

He is now on a need to know basis and he really doesn't and didn't need to know about this, sorry.

Heronwatcher · 31/08/2024 09:21

YANBU, he has another 364 days to choose from. Just keep repeating he can choose any other day. And FGS do not let him know where you’re meeting up with Emma (and earn the girls and Emma’s mum- maybe don’t tell the girls the venue) as the next thing will be him turning up and ruining the meet up with his narc ways.

JMSA · 31/08/2024 09:24

You've done the right thing.