This is a complicated one so I hope it makes sense

[helenabeesky]

I have a dd aged 7 with my ex husband. We will call her Claire.

Claire has a half sister who we will call Emma. Emma is a few years old than Claire. Emma is/was my step daughter. She is from the relationship my ex husband had with his ex partner.

My ex husband and myself separated and are now divorced. My ex husband is abusive and just a bit of a twat. At the same time as our separation, Emma decided she no longer wanted anything to do with her dad anymore. This was a year ago and she hasn't seen him since. She had been very unhappy in the months leading up to it and very anxious but her dad failed to help her despite me begging him too many times.

This also meant that myself and my daughter Claire had not seen Emma. Myself and Emma's mum always got on ok but we had a few fall outs over the years.

Myself and dd have been recovering from what we have been through and it's been very tricky not seeing Emma but I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to get in touch with her mum. I had no idea if Emma wanted to see us or if it was just her dad she didn't want to see.

Fast forward to now, we have been in touch with Emma and I've had conversations with her mum and we have planned a day to meet up so the girls can see each other. Communication has been going well in between us all and Emma has desperately been missing us just as much as we have missed her.

The issue lies now with the one link between us all - my ex husband/the girls dad.

My ex husband has asked if he can see our daughter on the day we have planned to meet Emma. I said no, I didn't tell him why but then I figured that my dd might tell him so I told him we were actually planning on seeing Emma that day. This did not go down with my ex husband at all. He told me I needed to change the day as he should come first as her dad. He asked me 'what's more important? Surely it's me so I can give Claire her presents?'

The reason my ex husband wants to see dd on this particular day as because it's a few days after her birthday and he wants to see dd on that day to give her birthday presents - even though he has dd today. He could do it today or tomorrow but he's not organised enough and hasn't brought her anything yet. Her birthday is in 3 days. I offered him 3 alternative days he could have Claire but told him I am not cancelling the visit with Emma.

Ex also asked what had been said between me and Emmas mum and told me that he is convinced Emma's mum is stopping Emma from seeing him. As far as I understand, from what Emma's mum has said, the choice has been completely down to Emma.

I've told my ex husband that it isn't my place to get involved. That I'm just trying to do best for both girls for them to build their relationship back up and that's all. I'm not interested in finding anything else out.

This has really hit a nerve with my ex husband. I understand it must be awful for him to not have his older dd in his life but he cannot take any accountability for it. I really really don't want to get involved and I really don't want to fall out with my ex husband either - I've done the work but I still feel pretty trauma bonded to him.

I hope this makes sense, I'm just wondering if exh was out of order to demand me to cancel the visit? To say that dd seeing her dad was more important than her sister who she hasn't seen for a year?

I feel like I'm in such a tricky situation here.

It's certainly not a pleasant situation but it will only be as tricky as you make it.

Don't mention his ex or Emma to him.
Stop telling him anything about your lives - 'We have other plans' is enough.
If he asks you anything about his ex or Emma, say you don't want to discuss it. End any conversations where he keeps pushing.

Polite, distant, refuse to be drawn into discussion about anything.

I'm in a very similar situation. My (former?) stepdaughter is mid-teens, and has made the decision to stop seeing her father, separately to my leaving him. ExDP and I have a child together. It drives him mad that we've negotiated an entirely separate day for my DC to spend with my DSD. He seems convinced that we're spending our time talking about him and plotting.

The day DC spends with DSD is ring-fenced. He frequently tries to hijack it but both myself and DSD are of the view that he can spend time with them on other days.

From your OP you have done the right thing. If he's going to get his arse out about it, that's on him.

For those saying don't tell him where we are meeting - I wouldn't ever do that and he wouldn't turn up anyway. There is zero chance of that. He doesn't care enough about his kids, he cares more about his bruised ego. He wouldn't be interested in turning up and almost certainly wouldn't want to see me or Emma's mum.

For those saying don't tell him, he will find out from my dd. My dd will 100% tell him and I won't tell her not too as that's putting far too much pressure on here when she's already confused about the whole situation as it is. So for it to come from an adult rather than a child is best. My ex husband has no filter. He isn't capable of thinking of anyone but himself so he would bombard dd with questions she wouldn't know the answer too.

I've told him it's happening. I've told him I will not be answering any questions and most importantly, I've told that he must not speak to dd about it and told him how upset and confused she has been.

My concern was his response - selfish and expects dd to put him over his other daughter. It's a vile response.

Something along the lines of 'oh I'm pleased they are seeing each other, I won't interrupt that, I'll see Claire another day' would have been appropriate.

He's clearly not a reasonable man so I'm not sure why you would expect a reasonable response. Also he doesn't deserve your sympathy so don't feel sorry for him.
Just try and maintain the relationship between the girls and tell him.nothing. I feel for you poor DD with him bringing another sibling into her life.

I have no doubt she will feel the same as Emma does in time. She's already not that bothered about her dad. She would much rather see Emma than see her dad for his birthday presents - she will no doubt come home tomorrow wondering why her birthday has been celebrated this weekend considering it's her birthday on Monday.

It's repeating partners with him. Instead of trying to fix his relationships with his children, he just starts again with a new woman and does the same. And then wonders why he doesn't have a close relationship with his previous children.

I have protected my dd and Emma in the best way I can which is telling him myself rather than him hearing from dd.