To not tell my parents I’m pregnant

[Copenhagener]

There’s a lot of backstory here, but I’ll keep it short.

I’m 6 months’ pregnant with my first baby after years of infertility and finally success with IVF. I haven’t told any of my family. And I’m thinking about not telling them ever, or at least until after the birth.

I live in another country from my family, and have seen them twice in 5 years. They disapprove of many of my life choices, and will go for periods of months ignoring me for minor things, not wish me a happy birthday, etc.

I’ve never had a great relationship with my parents and I am completely estranged from my sister. I come from an insular culture with very different social norms to the mainstream, but I now live a ‘normal’ life with a professional job, partner who isn’t from that culture, etc.

They don’t know anything about my fertility struggles or pregnancy, but I know if I tell them, they’ll be angry and hurt I didn’t tell them. Babies are very prized in our culture and I’m having one quite late (early 30s) and they’ll be on the next flight over - which I don’t want.

My partner feels uncomfortable about me hiding this from them - and keeping baby from its grandparents. And everyone keeps asking me what my parents feel about my pregnancy. I’m starting to second-guess my decision. AIBU in keeping this news private?

It is up to you

This is your baby

Fertility struggles or not you must do what you want

You don't want them on the first flight over then don't tell them until you are ready

Entirely your decision

Entirely your decision.

Not telling them may damage your relationship irreparably - but it sounds like you're ok with that, and would rather that than the alternative? In which case you're making the right call, although I'm sure it's difficult.

If you don't want a long term relationship with them in any form then don't tell them.

It sounds like if you don't tell them it will be very upsetting so you probably wouldn't be able to continue the relationship. Do you want your child to know them at all?

Don't ruin the early days of getting to know your baby by telling your parents. There's a reason you haven't told them so far, so trust your instincts.

They ignore you for months and don't wish a happy birthday or anything....I'd be tempted not to tell them. Is this both ways though, would they say you ignore them for months and don't wish them a happy birthday?

If you decide to tell them, tell them you want some time when baby arrives before they come over. The fact that they'd be straight on a flight doesn't really seem to match ignoring you for months.

As others have said, this is a make or break moment. You can’t partially have them in your life and not tell them about the child, realistically speaking. If you do tell them, expect them to be a very active part in your life going forward, which you clearly don’t want.

My partner feels uncomfortable about me hiding this from them - and keeping baby from its grandparents.

Does he not understand or support you in why you are low contact with your family?

Your instincts are telling you to not tell them for a reason. It doesn’t sound like your family bring any positives to your life and telling them would be stressful at least right now. Pregnancy is tough enough at times without adding more stress to it.

I’m guessing your partner has a normal functional relationship with his family and so he doesn’t really get it and that’s why he’s uncomfortable about this. Understandable but this is your decision and you know better what’s best. All the best with your pregnancy and the birth.

Not asking your story but have you explained it to your partner?

I never told my Dad I dated, ever . He assumed DH was my first BF, he wasn’t. DH was astounded when I told him this, it doesn’t fit with his white liberal upbringing. My Dad was not abusive, just very traditional and old fashioned. Just don’t tell them, maybe they will never know, just stay safe.

I think you can't have a half way house situation here. You either never tell them about your baby (or anything else about your life) and go full NC or... you maintain contact and let them know...
I can't imagine the fallout from telling them years later that they have a grandchild. It can't be good for you when it happens.
So you need to ask yourself whether you want to cut them out entirely or not and then go from there.
It's your decision of course. I do, however, understand why your partner may feel uncomfortable about delaying the news if there is a possibility of parents being involved at some point. Do they know where you live? I mean, they can be on the next flight but this doesn't mean you are obligated to host them/see them if they don't actually know where you are.

I’m not sure why you’re still in any kind of contact with them when they emotionally abuse you by ignoring you for minor stuff for months on end. Do you want them to have a relationship with your/your child? I don’t think I would. Will they prioritise your child and still ignore you or will they also ignore your child? I’m afraid anyone who ignored me would get the same treatment back from me.

I wouldn’t in your shoes, pregnancy/newborn baby stages are very stressful and emotional, I can imagine it’s even more so when you’ve been through fertility struggles as well. You don’t need more stress in your life right now.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, just remember it’s absolutely ok to moan if you end up huge and waddling the way I did . Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t!

Thank you everyone for your congratulations and thoughts. It’s a really tough decision. Agreed that the halfway minimal contact isn’t sustainable.

For what it’s worth; I know they’ve been good grandparents to my sister’s child - she had her son at 18 and they’ve practically raised him. I’d be worried they’d try to do something similar with mine, while sidelining me.

Ignoring has been for various things like getting a university degree; getting a tattoo, moving abroad, not sending gifts for their anniversary, living with my partner before marriage, not attending a funeral for my grandfather (he hated me and had cut me out of his will for ‘leaving’ the culture - the only grandchild he did that to). It’s hard to explain it all.

Partner knows the difficult family history, but ultimately thinks that baby should be able to make its own decision on the matter one day - and I shouldn’t prevent it from having a relationship with its grandparents. He does indeed have a good family relationship.

There was no physical abuse against me. But a lot of emotional abuse and attempts to get me to drop out of school, forced underage working for the family business, etc. I’d be worried they’d try to pull baby into their culture, which isn’t one I like or respect - especially as a woman.

Congratulations op 💐 For what it's worth I think your parents should be very proud of you and your achievements, you've done it all in spite of them, not because of them. If your life is happy and you feel contented then in your situation I would be inclined to not be contacting them now or ever to be honest, but that's just my opinion. Good luck x

Your body, your baby, your decision.

Perhaps after your baby is born, you could let them know, but choose a time when travelling to see you will be very difficult or inconvenient for them. And only if you want to.

There will be people who say a child has a right to know its grandparents but if they are critical and unsupportive of your life choices, and show you such a lack of respect, then they only have themselves to blame. It doesn't sound like your child will be missing much.

Do you want your child to have a relationship with your family?, is the bottom line.

Congratulations! I think YANBU to put off telling them if that's what you feel comfortable with. Communication works both ways and as they have a history of ignoring you for minor things and are low contact with you, I'd worry that they'd behave the same way with their grandchild.

Are they in some kind of cult? I'm getting Mormon vibes here!

I think it is your decision which should be respected, saddened that you want to do this.

The other thing to consider, your sis had a boy and they have been good grandparents to him, but would they treat your child the same if she is a girl? Or would they have different expectations?

Congratulations OP.
Re your family, you know them best so it's your call, after what you've said i certainly wouldn't want people like that involved in my life or my childs. I think it would cause you so much stress and upset at a time that should be special.

Congratulations! Such fantastic time for you and your partner!

Your mum and dad have no relationship with you, until you have birthed your child you will not know how it feels to hand over your child to someone who treats you less than human.

In their next plane trip over to you, they could absolutely dote on your child meaning you get to see the relationship you should have had with them. That's a big deal when all your hormones are changing.

Or they could treat your child as an extension of you meaning a small infant builds trust and love only to have it snatched away.

My opinion is to wait until at least 6-9 months postpartum. The grief of the change in relationship could impact your birth and ability to breastfeed and you need people who value you, around you at this time.

Do you have health visiting team where you are? Please talk to them regularly about your concerns postpartum.