To not tell my parents I’m pregnant

[Copenhagener]

There’s a lot of backstory here, but I’ll keep it short.

I’m 6 months’ pregnant with my first baby after years of infertility and finally success with IVF. I haven’t told any of my family. And I’m thinking about not telling them ever, or at least until after the birth.

I live in another country from my family, and have seen them twice in 5 years. They disapprove of many of my life choices, and will go for periods of months ignoring me for minor things, not wish me a happy birthday, etc.

I’ve never had a great relationship with my parents and I am completely estranged from my sister. I come from an insular culture with very different social norms to the mainstream, but I now live a ‘normal’ life with a professional job, partner who isn’t from that culture, etc.

They don’t know anything about my fertility struggles or pregnancy, but I know if I tell them, they’ll be angry and hurt I didn’t tell them. Babies are very prized in our culture and I’m having one quite late (early 30s) and they’ll be on the next flight over - which I don’t want.

My partner feels uncomfortable about me hiding this from them - and keeping baby from its grandparents. And everyone keeps asking me what my parents feel about my pregnancy. I’m starting to second-guess my decision. AIBU in keeping this news private?

Congratulations OP! It's entirely your choice. Sounds like either decision will result in difficulty from your family. Unfortunately seems like a lesser of two evils situation. Your priority first and foremost is your family and protecting that little baby from any negativity. Sucks majorly, but familial estrangement isn't as uncommon as people think it is. Do what's right for you and your little one.

They will ruin your child's life so protect your child from them.

They may well be distant from your child/treat child in same way as they treat you though? What culture is it as you haven't said but some of the things you have said you did are unforgivable to them so all those feelings may well extend to your child. sorry if that's the case if you were hoping for reconciliation? Look after yourself, emotional trauma is hard to deal with xxx

Congratulations and yes if they ignore you and go months with nc do not tell them anything. If they suddenly get back in touch after you have had your baby say they send a birthday card to you just send a short letter back to say thanks with a photo of you, your partner and the baby. They don’t need to know anymore. Do what is best for you, so if it was me I’d just send a Christmas card every year with a family style letter with a couple of photos etc and a few sentences about what you’ve been doing all year. So that’s contact on your own terms and not them deciding a thing.

im currently very very LC with 99% of my relations. I speak to my mum on the phone once a week and have to be careful about timing of the call so she’s not just seen my siblings and families.

You might take it as an opportunity to heal your relationship. But you need to set boundaries too. Say you tell them, and they say 'great we are coming over' (though why would they come now before baby arrives)?You say 'you are welcome to come but I will not be hosting you. You have hurt me a lot in the past and I will only see you on my terms'. And then have them repeat that back to you to make sure they have heard it.

Not unreasonable at all.

DW has had a difficult relationship with her family and she's made the decision to not tell them that we're having a baby (if we do) until after baby is born and we're settled.

She's always forgotten on birthdays and Christmas, they forgot our wedding day and never congratulated us or even sent a card (they live miles away and couldn't make it), she was always the one to visit them and they'd never come here, and the last straw was them coming up here - not to visit us - but to go on holiday and let us know they'd been when they got back home. She was heartbroken.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Congratulations op.

Honestly you sound like nothing you ever do is right .

Been a parent is challenging - when you don’t have a role model if the relationship you want with your child it takes extra energy .

The your child has the right to a relationship with grandparents is crap . You have a responsibility to protect your dc .. Do you want the cultural values guilting on your child ?

I do wonder why you have any contact at all.

It's entirely your decision and I can understand your apprehensions as you don't want your motherhood journey to be overshadowed. Side note- I met a woman at the airport recently who hadn't told her mum she was pregnant as she got a thrill out of keeping it a secret from everybody and finding ways to hide it. It was her third. I found it very strange!! She was 7 months pregnant and told me she had only just told her best friend the week prior. In your situation there's nothing strange about keeping it a secret!

Would the fact that you live abroad not protect you slightly?

As some of PP mentioned if your DH had a normal functional family he wouldn’t understand the extent of your situation. So I wouldn’t consider his point of view on this situation.
I disagree with people that you can’t have half way relationship with your parents. Actually you can and a lot of people have for various reasons mostly distance and different values. Your parents are not involved in your life at the moment and don’t know all details. It would be the same with your baby. It’s not like collecting twice a week from a nursery or nothing. People see each other once or twice a year. Exchange cards on Christmas and birthdays ( or not) and that’s it. Your parents knowing about your child doesn’t change automatically their level of involvement in your life. The way they are they are not going to change their values and you won’t change yours. They might want grandchild visiting them every year for 3 weeks without you but it’s just their wishful thinking. If you don’t want it - your child won’t visit.

I would tell them after birth but straight away. I would txt them or call (whatever you do usually, but maybe txt better, depending on their approach) and tell them that you have an exciting news, you just had a child etc etc it was a difficult pregnancy and you were not 100% sure about the outcome so it was difficult for you to talk about it/ you didn’t want to worry them, that’s why you didn’t tell them earlier.
Im not sure about the visit, of course, they would want to visit but all their attempts to influence your way of parenting- you just disagree and that’s it. Your posts don’t habe much specific details for an advice how to manage the visit but there are always of possibility them staying elsewhere not with you and your partner being with you always in their presence to support you. These are obvious approaches which come to mind.

As long as you aren't doing it to point score. I'd think about how honest you can be, you've got nothing to lose by not holding back. Then set your boundaries and see if your relationship with them can meet both your wants.

There are some people who have children and family relationships as a way of reinforcing their choices and gaining control over others. As long as you follow their line, they're probably okay but as soon as you want to live your own life then they punish and shun you.

Unfortunately it sounds like your parents come into this category. Where is the love and pride in all this? I'd be bursting with pride for you with all you've achieved if you were my daughter and very excited for you that you are expecting your first born (I'd also be excited at the thought of being a GP but that would be secondary as you would be my primary concern).

These kind of people are unlikely to change sadly OP. I think your intincts are spot on. I can understand why your husband doesn't get it because unless you have been around these kind of people you can't really imagine what it feels like to be conditioned and bullied into being the dutiful daughter. But I'd be worried that they would see your child as a second opportunity to control you and bring your child into the family fold. As hard as it is to not have parents to support you it doesn't seem worth the risk.

Your partner is projecting their own family experiences on to you. That's not unusual - we naturally rely on our own knowledge and firsthand experience. But that has to be tempered with context and critical thinking, because our own knowledge and experience might not be right for someone or something else.

He has no direct knowledge of what it was like to grow up in that environment, but you do. Why does he think that his beliefs on what he thinks should happen, should prevail over your direct experience?

It's quite arrogant and selfish to insist that he knows best; would he be as receptive if you were to tell him what you think he should do with his family contact?

The baby is a baby - talking about making his or her own decisions at this point is totally irrelevant because they will be a newborn who is dependent their parents to keep them safe and do what's in their best interests. In this case, you feel - understandably - that it is not in the baby's best interests to have a close relationship with your emotionally abusive family.

Your partner sounds as if he is lacking significant self-awareness. If he can't be gracious enough to admit he's allowing his own bias to interfere with your concerns, then I would make it clear to him that ultimately this is your family not his, so it's not his call what you choose to do in terms of contact.

In truth I think you can only not tell them if you intend to be completely non-contact with all family members.

Because if you tell them later the shock will be greater, If any other family member finds out, the shock will be greater and they will probably cut you off anyway.

If you don’t feel ready or that it is desirable to go no contact, could you tell them in a way that gives you more control? Travel to see them for a short defined period of time and tell them, rather than dreading them rushing to you?

Congratulations, and good luck.

I think when you date someone who has a dysfunctional family when you don't, it can be a bit difficult to understand/navigate. Honestly I don't think your DH has the understanding to make this decision regarding your parents. You've lived through it so it's your call. FWIW I think if you do tell your parents about your baby, decide some strong boundaries for yourself beforehand. They don't get to decide how this is going to go.

It's difficult for your partner to truly get it if he comes from a happy family life. I think you should do what you think is best for you. My DH didn't tell any of his family members about my pregnancy until DD was here because he wanted to be sure all was fine (previous loss) so you can always style it out if needed once you tell them.

I’d be keeping them at arms length - and I think you need to be firmer with your DP on this as it sounds as though he does not fully understand.

But at the end of the day, they can’t come in your house if you don’t let them in. So you could message but go no further.

Based on your second post, I wouldn't tell them.

Stay low contact or go no contact.

Some families just aren't happy, healthy connections to have for some people. This family isn't and wasn't healthy for OP, and her concerns are legitimate over them having any kind of influence going forward with her own child. Especially if it's a girl.

Your husband needs to respect your decision on this. Entirely.

Completely agree with this. It is not your husband's decision to make just because he has rose tinted glasses and wants to play happy families/see's himself as reconciling you all.

If you change your mind you can simply say you chose not to share the news until the baby was safely delivered due to previous complications. That they are completely unaware of your medical history will also be a wake up call.