To think there’s no good intention here?

[Oreal]

I have been discussing my maternity leave a few weeks ago with a relative who is a SAHP. Claims to just be caring about me and sharing her experience…

She keeps repeating that, in her recent experience, people take the full year off work and make sure they save enough to be able to do this. I’d love to do this but I can’t afford to so I’m going back at 10 months, which will be enough of a stretch as is. I have told her this before yet she still repeatedly brings up the conversation. When I reiterate what I’ve said, she will say “well, hope your timeline goes to plan, life is unpredictable with a baby” and “you don’t know how you’ll feel when baby is that age handing them over to someone else’ as if it’s some kind of choice. Needless to say I don’t bring it up with her anymore but she tries to get me to talk about it all the time.

I’m left feeling rather inadequate even though I know my length of maternity leave is normal.

How can you mean well if you keep bringing this up with someone who’s already told you their plan?

She’s justifying her own life choices. Likely out of insecurity.

you do you.

tbh, I took a year but would take 10 months next time it’s enough.

Don’t let her pass her insecurities onto you. If she was happy and confident in her choice, she wouldn’t be judging yours.

I was a childminder for 10 years ..

I had babies from 6 weeks old to a year most less than a year .. some 4 months when full maternity pay ran out , not everyone has the luxury of choice .. not everyone wants a year off .

You do what works for you as a family .. sadly once you have children lots of people think that you want their opinion on everything .

Ok, so this is the first thing you need to learn about the advice you will get from other mothers, especially of similar or slightly older children - it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS heavily influenced by their own need to justify to themselves what they did or didn't do. To breastfeed or bottle feed, to baby led wean or not, to sleep train or not, etc. you are about to be confronted by a world full of people who want to give you advice. You have to do you. You have to figure out what works for you and your baby.

Many women do not spend a year at home, whether because they can't afford it, or because being at home with a baby drives them bananas, or for some other reason. My older DC was at nursery from 12 months, my younger from 9 months. There is no discernible difference in my relationship with either of them.

Take as long as you can afford off. People used to be able to take much longer off, things have changed.

There's nothing wrong with your plan - lots of people don't take a full year, for lots of reasons.

I went back full time when my son was 9.5 months.

It was fine - going back is tough at first, whenever you do it but he settled in at nursery fine.

He's now 10 - confident, happy and well adjusted.

It sounds like she is trying to justify her own decisions by forcing her opinion on you.

Do what works best for you.

Unless there's a safeguarding issue, I don't think anyone just have an opinion on how other people raise there children.

Say ‘Are you developing short-term memory loss, Susan? I’ve told you repeatedly when I will be returning to work.’

I went back early, when DS was seven months. Maternity leave was not my idea of a good time. I started enjoying parenthood only once I had a professional life alongside.

It's true, you don't know how you'll feel. I thought I'd be happy staying off for a year but turns out PND sucks and it was best for everyone that I took a new contract at 7.5 months.
You have to do what is right for you and your family, and stuff everyone else.

This!

She’s got some agenda which is nothing to do with you and is projecting. Is she opposed to you working on principle?

Its a stupid and unhelpful thing to say at this point anyway; its not as if you have the money so what are you going to do about it?

I’m left feeling rather inadequate even though I know my length of maternity leave is normal.

Whether she’s rude, insensitive, unhelpful or downright mean - this is your actual problem. If you’re old enough to have a job and a baby, you’re old enough to stop giving a flying fuck for other people’s opinions! And that’s on you to remember that, and embrace it.

If that’s all you can take then that’s all you can take so dont beat yourself up. Or let someone else do that for you.

the plus side is babies at 9 months are notoriously easier to settle into childcare before they get super clingy at around 12 months so hopefully you’ll have a much easier time if it.

there’s always a silver lining if you look for it.

Some people are just know it alls, I think

you do what works for you. For my first I was able to take 1 year and found it so hard going back to work I really thought I wanted to be a SAHP. Then he turned into a crazy toddler and I had a rapid rethink lol. For my second I could only take 10 months and that was fine too. Neither is better or worse, they are loved and safe and cared for (plus daycare do loads of messy play so I don't have to feel bad about not covering my house in glitter and slime!)

If they get to know the childminder before they hit the separation anxiety age, it really helps everyone. So in that sense 10 months can be better than one year.

You’ll be just fine, and what you’re planning to do is totally normal and absolutely fine.

Your relative is projecting, and you are right, there is not a good intention behind this. She’s being, at best, a smug, sanctimonious, self-centred bore.

Keep your distance from her, as this type of person will use every aspect of parenting as an opportunity to assert the superiority of her own life choices.

Don't her second guess you. Not helpful

I went back at 6 mo this with my first because I loved my job and I didn't like staying at home alone with my baby all day. When I had the second I did stay off for the year because I had 2 then. Plus I had someone else on maternity at the same time so it didn't feel so lonely.

You need to have the confidence in your own decisions and not care what others think. There are going to be loads of people giving their five pence worth about all sorts of parenting decisions and you need to let is go over your head.

Since iv become a parent, oldest is 12. I have realized no matter what you do, you will be judged by somebody. You could spend every waking minute doting on your child and someone will still tell you it's wrong! It's your family and your life, yes people can have an opinion on it, but you are also allowed to tell them to stuff their opinion. You are the boss of your world! Don't let people make you feel bad for making any parenting decisions. You know what's right.

She'd sounds a right ass, but the bigger issue is your feeling of inadequacy. Once you've reconciled this, most of her tripe will be water off a duck's back.

YABU - she's telling you to try to save a bit more money if you can because you don't know how you'll feel, there can be all sorts of reasons why after 10 months you're not ready to go back.

I was going to go back to work after 10 months, but at 7 months old my daughter was hospitalised for 3 months because having hit all her milestones slightly early she had regressed and could no longer even hold her own head up. (She's a happy ready to start high school 11 year old now) We still don't know what caused it as 3 months later she suddenly un-regressed!

But my sister who was a SAHM has kept saying to me for months before my maternity leave to save as much as I could because you never know how you'll feel etc I like you thought she was being judgemental of my choice - but looking back I'm glad she did give me that advice it meant I could stay with my daughter for those extra months.

Going back to work will be a challenge wether you do it at 10 months or 12 months - it won't make a difference. So do whatever is right for you! Yes, it'd be nice to have the extra 2 months at home with your baby, but wouldn't it also be nice to be able to afford to take your baby out every now and again, which will be easier to do if you go back to work and start making money again?

I think you can only say, ' I am going to do this....' and crack on. Ignore the jibes. If she goes on and on then 'I have explained to you'. Then ignore. I went back after three months because that was what I could afford. DD was fine.

I don't know anybody who took the full year off. I took 10 months with my first and 9 months which my 2nd. You don't need to justify yourself to her. You have off what you can afford. It's none of her business.