To think there’s no good intention here?

[Oreal]

I have been discussing my maternity leave a few weeks ago with a relative who is a SAHP. Claims to just be caring about me and sharing her experience…

She keeps repeating that, in her recent experience, people take the full year off work and make sure they save enough to be able to do this. I’d love to do this but I can’t afford to so I’m going back at 10 months, which will be enough of a stretch as is. I have told her this before yet she still repeatedly brings up the conversation. When I reiterate what I’ve said, she will say “well, hope your timeline goes to plan, life is unpredictable with a baby” and “you don’t know how you’ll feel when baby is that age handing them over to someone else’ as if it’s some kind of choice. Needless to say I don’t bring it up with her anymore but she tries to get me to talk about it all the time.

I’m left feeling rather inadequate even though I know my length of maternity leave is normal.

How can you mean well if you keep bringing this up with someone who’s already told you their plan?

You do you. Maybe firmly tell her that it is your decision if you carries on. I don’t know anyone at all who went back to full time work after having a baby, everyone makes different choices, it is no one’s business apart from the parents.

Totally agree with this. Sad but true. My eldest is almost 16 and it still happens (but now I feel comfortable with telling people to back off and/or ignore them). For what it's worth, I went back to work when he was 6m, DP stayed home for the rest of the year but DS started childcare a few weeks before DP went back to work to get into a bit of a routine. With DD we were in a different place financially so I took 22m off. It actually meant I spent more time with both of them, funnily enough. Things happen how they happen, do what suits you.

Definitely. I found this myself and, as a manager, I've seen the whole variety of Mums approaching it in different ways, from career-orientated people who've loved it so much they've chosen a few years of SAH parenting, to those who were finding being at home hard so came back much earlier, especially if part time was possible. Everyone is different, every baby is different, and a year is actually quite a long time. Ten months will probably whizz by and you'll know you're heading for your RTW date, but it will be long enough.

It doesn't matter that 10 months is "normal", children under 3 years are best with their mother, then father, then close relative, you can't change biology. So I suppose this is where she is coming from. Unfortunately now babies are given less and less time with their mothers because the cost of living is ridiculous. This is not your fault. You have to do what you can. 10 months is better than 6 months, which is better than 2 weeks.

She doesn't mean well, she's being an interfering, opinionated judgemental busybody.

Option A) We've discussed this before and my plans haven't changed.
Option B) Your views have been noted.
Option C) Your continuing judgement of the RTW choices I have to make due to my financial situation is upsetting. Please rein it in.

I have found that people are hugely judgemental on this point. Often men too who would have ZERO interest in taking 12 months off so that's usually a short conversation.

10 months can often be quite a good time. They haven't got to that really clingy stage, and making the new normal a working day when you always come back in my view makes for a baby who is long term easier to manage. And I use that term deliberately. Having a sole parent as SAHM prevents the other partner from building a solid and confident bond with their child. Throwing childcare into the mix with the outcome of a happy well adjusted child makes it easier for a [usually the Dad but not always] parent to start to step up and give a better balance to the family all round.

For financial reasons I went back to work FT at 7mths with DC1 and part time at 3 months, FT at 6 with DC2. We've used shared and sole nannies, a childminder and a grandparent for wrap around supervision/care when they were older post lock down. They are happy, well adjusted and independent tweens who irrespective of the fact I have never been a SAHM still think my primary role in life is to pick up after them and organise their lives even though their father is even more hands on than me.

Just tell her that with your annual leave and your dh’s annual leave and settling in days it will practically be a year and she should express her concerns where they’re wanted.