To be worried about 7 year old?

[Wowzapwoo]

DS has an amazing imagination and is constantly playing made up games. Quite often he writes stories/ scripts based on his favourite TV shows or books he’s been reading, and then he acts them out. He is very happy doing this.

But he would rather be doing this than spending time with other children. He says the other kids like playing games he doesn’t like - (playing tag or football in school) and that if they try and join in one of his games they “ruin” it by not following the story.

Despite all of this other kids do seem to like him and want to spend time with him. He is always pleasant and polite to them. He just doesn’t want to be around them much!

He has a slightly older brother who he gets on well with and we obviously do stuff together as a family that he enjoys. But he always seems keen to get back to being on his own.

I’m worried he’ll be lonely when he’s older and I’m trying to encourage him to be more social. DH says I should leave him be and let him be who he is without trying to change him.

We’ve just had a bit of a row about it actually. So who’s right - DH or me?

@Singleandproud I’m glad to hear DD has found her tribe in secondary school. Where there any other signs of her autism when she was younger?

Absolutely this.
And MANY years on, I still enjoy my own company which stands me in good stead on many an occasion

I don't know what your issue is it's pretty unusual for a child to prefer being completely alone to anything else. DS prefers it and was diagnosed at 10.

You need to let him be him OP, he loves to be alone and doesn't see it as the negative that you do. It took me quite a number of years to realise this.

My son was EXACTLY like this. Now he’s 20 and extremely sociable. Kids are all different and we shouldn’t try to force them to change.

I know I risk being slated for this, but I would keep an eye out for other signs of autism. I'm autistic myself so feel I should be allowed to suggest this!

He might well not be autistic and simply be a neurotypical person who prefers his own company and quiet, familiar environments at the moment. That is obviously absolutely fine. Your post does, however, mention a few specifics that would fit the autism diagnosis criteria, or at least raise enough interest for assessment: finding social spaces too noisy and busy; not wanting to share play with others unless they follow his rules (this sounds critical but I don't mean it like that: trust me I understand feeling that way as autistic myself!); strong preference for own company; strong focus on his favourite media including re-enacting parts of them or scripts based on them.

Autism isn't about suffering and struggling: it's quite possible to be a very happy, perfectly functional autistic person. It sounds like your son is very happy in his world, living life the way he lives it. I would simply encourage you to keep it in mind, and if you think you spot any other signs or decide you want to, take him for assessment.

And, of course, he might not be autistic! It's reasonable to watch out for signs, though, given what you've said.

OPI was like this. I grew up fine.

Yes, fair enough, if you know the family really well, though I tend to be quite anti-sleepover myself. Agree no sleepovers with families you don’t know well.

@Wowzapwoo yes, in order for you to be diagnosed there has to be multiple signs from a young age. We also have several family members who show strong traits but we're never assessed due to age.

For her things like roleplay were perfect recreations of things she'd see on TV, in books or experienced. She never freestyles anything and finds creative writing, drawing from her imagination etc difficult and still does but is incredibly bright and skilful at everything she turns her hand to from a technical point and is a very fast learner.

Games were also very complex and one would play them correctly. Noise sensitive and think hand dryers are the devil's work.

Never ever has challenging behaviour, it's like she was born an adult, she could never stand squealing children. She very rarely tantrummed literally only during transitions of activities. Loves rules and gets very upset if she thinks someone has broken one and would 'punish' herself on a naughty step despite the fact I never used one so must have picked it up elsewhere. She rarely melts down as we are generally on top of things she finds difficult but will shutdown instead which is like a internalised version.

In terms of the autism spectrum she has very low support needs but found the transition to secondary school environment difficult, she needs lots and lots of solo downtime away from everyone but otherwise manages brilliantly. She was quirky as a child but. Brushed that off as being an only but was also aware of the possibility due to family members. I got her assessed because it was an issue for her and she thought she was losing her mind as she suddenly couldn't cope but wth the right adjustments in place no one would ever know. Obviously autism traits can express themselves in lots of different ways and some are far higher support needs or their autism presents in the complete opposite way to my DD

I'm with your DH.
Your son knows what he likes. He's actually less likely to be lonely if he enjoys his own company.
He sounds a lot like my DD.
Don't compare your children.

He sounds lovely!

He sounds exactly like my youngest (whose an adult now). He spent hours in imaginative play with lots of little creatures and drawing stories before he could write. He also loved chess, you could introduce him to computer chess and solitaire both of which my son enjoyed at primary school age. He never wanted to do extracurricuar activities, playdates or sleepovers despite being quite popular, I think other children enjoyed his imagination/ability to create games but he was very self sufficient, preferred to be at home with his older brothers and busy with what he enjoyed, he never followed the crowd. He did find his 'tribe' at secondary school but they were all a little different, preferring the cinema, hiking up mountains and a complex boardgame to the usual computer games or drinking/clubbing. Your DH is right, let him be himself🙃

Thank you @tattygrl and @Singleandproud your posts are really helpful and has given me some things to think about and keep an eye on.

With DS I have noticed a few things that are different to other children his age:

• He’s very bright and has a whip like sense of humour.
• He calls himself a “super taster” and says that everything tastes “too strong”. He does eat properly but things that wouldn’t normally go together - boiled eggs and green beans is a favourite!
• He has favourite TV shows that he watches on repeat. He can watch episodes of Bluey or Doctor Who a million times over and quote them line by line!
• When he’s upset or angry about something he struggles to talk. He says it is like the words freeze.

Having said that he’s an incredibly resilient, happy, confident child. I think that’s what I need to focus on rather than worrying as much as I am.

I completely agree. As if autism isn't nuanced in its own right! If you know one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. So many armchair diagnoses being thrown about without considering the complexities of how autism presents.

OP, my 5 year old is very similar and my eldest is very sociable too. It's hard not to compare isn't it. I don't have all the right answers but know that as someone who was also bullied badly at school, it's hard not to project your own worries. Have school mentioned anything? Something I've found helpful is arranging playdates and finding an activity/common goal to work together on e.g. baking, board game, craft activity. Takes away the social pressure of just unstructured free play

Please leave him be and revisit once he’s a bit older.

I was similar at that age and my mum said such an issue of it. She just really wanted me to have friends, but it caused a lot of problems with me being able to socialise and build friendships until I left school.

Einstein liked his own company. Milton preferred to read and write and imagine to playing with the other boys.

Your DS sounds so lovely too!

Well as a teacher who works with children with Autism it did cross my mind. Children present differently and he is ticking a few boxes. Try not to take it personally as people are only trying to help.

He sounds amazing! There could be some neuro diversity there but I'd just keep an eye on him. Don't try to make him be something he's not, social isn't the be all and end all. Encourage his interests and love him for who is .

Don't make him think he's not normal by being able to be on his own. It's a massive bonus. He sounds amazing, don't try and change him

I'm smiling reading this because he sounds just like myself and my autistic peers. For clarity I will repeat (not so much for you, OP, but for those who take issue with autism being suggested) that I'm not assuming he's autistic, and it isn't a bad thing to wonder if he is. It's a normal neurotype. To me it's like wondering if someone has ginger hair (clumsy metaphor but hopefully makes my point that it's a neutral characteristic in my opinion, not a pathologising thing or a doom and gloom prediction).

OP, the sensory "sensitivities" (super-tasting and intense experience of noisy and busy spaces) are very typical of autistic people. As is becoming overwhelmed when feeling strong emotions to the point of finding verbalisation impossible or very hard. Feeling like "words freeze" particularly stands out as something I fundamentally recognise, and I know many of my autistic peers and clients (I'm a support worker) would, too.

Rewatching favourite media (beyond the expected repetition expected from a young kid who loves something), and particularly the seemingly natural and striking ability to memorise and quote lines and scenes, is classically an autistic trait, too. It is also very familiar to me that he seems to derive great joy from doing this. Does he sometimes seem to use lines from his favourite shows/films in conversation or to express himself? Many of my autistic peers and clients do, though not all.

Contrary to popular misconception, autistic people very often have a great sense of humour: sometimes it's a little offbeat (not always), often it's very "quick" like you describe. There's a misconception that autistic people always struggle with humour and sarcasm etc., and it's simply not true as a rule. My experience has been that autistic people typically are very witty, and that misunderstandings and literal thinking can at times obscure that inbuilt sense of humour or cause miscommunications.

My personal advice would always be to seek assessment if you suspect autism. This isn't because it's a negative thing to be autistic, or because it needs "treating", or to force a label on a person. It is because we never, ever know what the future holds, and while an autistic person might do fine without external support for any length of time, there might come a point in their life where they do need support. Could be access to services, could be a sick note for burnout or overwhelm, could be a support worker or accommodations at work or education, could be accommodations/a "VIP passport" for hospital treatment, etc. My experience as a support worker (of a decade, now!) has shown me how rapidly and unexpectedly a person might need input they didn't previously need, and how hellish it is trying to get an assessment for autism while in crisis, to access the support they now need.

A diagnosis can also help massively with sense of identity, answering questions and finding community as an autistic person gets older and develops their own independent life.

A diagnosis never needs to be shared with anyone. It can remain completely private until/if/when the person wants or needs it to be shared.

Again - he might be neurotypical, and this essay be all for nought!!

Wishing you all the best :)

I can empathise with your worries but in all honesty, one of my children plays in all the sports teams, is sociable, academic etc and still is always the kid that never gets invited to parties and sleepovers. I genuinely don't know why as I get on with all the parents at school and make an effort to speak to everybody. They often go out of their way to tell me how lovely my child is. Don't discourage your son from being himself and doing what he loves the most as he might change to do what is considered 'socially acceptable' as it may not make any difference to his place in the school community but may negatively impact his own feelings.

Thank you. That’s really informative and helpful. It gives me and DH some things to think about. I hadn’t considered autism or any other type of neurodiversity until this thread. But I do think maybe it’s something to explore. Especially your points about assessment even if he’s happy/ coping as it could help him in later life.

He doesn’t really repeat lines from TV shows in day to day conversation at all. But you can name any Doctor Who episode since 2005 and he is able to tell you exactly what happens and can quote lines from the show.

His sense of humour is quite adult like in a way. I don’t know to describe it. He’s hilarious but uses a lot of cynicism and sarcasm. Not in an unpleasant or mocking way. It’s hard to describe but not typical for a 7 year old.

He also thinks about things very deeply. Like this morning he was talking about how humans are the “worst animal”/ ones we should be most afraid of because we cause pollution and start wars and kill things for fun rather than just to eat. Again he was speaking about it in a way that wasn’t upsetting him or overly negative he was just matter of fact. I don’t think my other son would think like this yet about these issues and he’s older.

This was me as a kid.
I would rather be alone with my imagination and books or games than with annoying other kids.

I am still the same way now haha

Your DH is in the right with this one... my mum forcing me into social situations and acting like something was wrong with me caused me so much shame and anxiety.

Indeed it also minimises the condition and how it can impact people differently.

Excellent post; please heed it OP.