To find this disrespectful?

[Amoregelato]

I took a term-time only job this year to fit better around our family. I used to be a SAHP but have worked FT for the last 4 years and PT before that for a few years. Youngest DC is starting secondary next week and eldest is starting 6th Form. DH is self-employed and primarily WFH. He earns a lot more than me. We had a two week family holiday at the start of the summer holidays.

When I started working FT, DH had to step up in terms of helping around the house. It is a general bone of contention and tends to go in phases. He does a lot with the day to day but doesn't do the unseen bits (i.e will make dinner but wouldn't think to clean bathrooms or change beds etc).

My job is very inflexible. I start at 08 30 and finish (if I'm lucky) at 16 30. My day is full-on with no time for anything other than work. I also do the school run so leave at 07 15 and get back at 18 00 ish. DH has a more flexible job - he can take appointments, go to the gym and often goes to lunch with his family. We are a very busy household and someone has something on most, if not every, night of the week and most weekends. It is exhausting but ultimately that is the way we have chosen to live our lives so we get on with it.

Over the holidays, DH has stopped contributing in any way towards the running of our household. I get that I am technically off work (I have done some additional work but only 5 days) and for the most part I don't begrudge this. However, it's not like I've been sat on my arse. Most days have been taking DC to various things as well as trying to do the jobs that I never can in term-time I.e. decorating and clearing out etc. He has literally stopped doing anything. I have been out for two full days for an activity for DC and there has been a load of washing sat in the machine since then. He hasn't hoovered, cooked, emptied the dishwasher or reminded DC to do homework. Everything has come to me. We've had it out this afternoon and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. He said that he made the assumption that because I'm off then I'll do it all. I think that if you know I'm not going to be in then you'd at least empty the washing machine and dishwasher rather than leave everything piling up for me to do and that his attitude is really disrespectful.

I agree that it’s really disrespectful. However, with two children of their ages, and 13 weeks of the year off, I would have though you could have accommodated decorating, clearing out and housework into the time off in a more balanced spread over the time you aren’t spending 48 hours at an activity for your child.

Whether you're off or not, he still needs to pull his weigh as he lives there. You're not his mother or his house keeper

Doesn’t stop also being his home just because it’s your ‘time off’. You’re not his employee, the house isn’t your summer job. If he wants a summertime maid then he can pay for one in lieu of the housework he should be doing.

Sorry but this. took a term-time only job this year to fit better around our family so he's probably thinking, 'I'm at work, you're not, these things are why you're not working full time'? Get a full time job and he'll need to do more.

I’d be annoyed too; DH and I took different weeks off for our DC over the summer and still did our normal jobs when the other was off work with communication if we wanted the other to help

Yes, disrespectful.

Even when I am away (not often) for a social/fun thing my DH is decent enough not to let me come home to a sink full of dishes or general mess.

And although I do most of the home stuff, he does pitch in and if he sees I’m struggling he’ll do more.

I don’t think it’s acceptable for an adult to purposely leave or avoid household tasks if they could do it fairly easily around work commitments, particularly when the other one is out/away.

Sorry my post wasn't clear. We have 4 DC, the eldest is actually 19 but is not at home at the moment so isn't impactful on the day to day.

I've also only started this year so have actually only had Easter and Summer off although I went on a school residential at Easter for most of the first week. I'm also doing a 5 day residential for a voluntary activity I help with in October so it's going to be a pretty straight run through until Christmas.

Then maybe you need to do less in your time off.

If the current set up means all household tasks fall to you then it is also up to you to use your holiday time wisely and not tire yourself out.

But it sounds like you haven’t had a proper conversation with him about how the house tasks should be split.

Assuming that you haven’t already done this, I think you need to have a chat about the expectations you have for each other and how your working hours fit into this. Sometimes it’s easy to get annoyed at someone not fitting into the role we expect of them despite not that clear.

I do think while you are off the bulk of tasks should fall to you however he can’t just abandon all and any responsibility. This is where you need to discuss and agree who does what during your time in/out of work so there are clear expectations. After the washing was left in the machine the first day why didn’t you say…hey, I’m out again all day today with DC, can you make sure the washing is hung up while I’m gone and I’ll sort the dinner for us all? Or whatever would work in your situation.

I would say that in periods when you aren’t working and he is, then you should be picking up the majority of household tasks but he can’t just stop everything.

I'd go back full time all year round

When he is on annual leave, does he do everything? When does the OP get actual holiday if the minute she's off she's the house slave? What the op describes is a grown adult not doing the basic tasks of adulting...who really walks past wet washing for two days and deliberately thinks "that's not my job"? Dick.

What do your children do around the house to help as well? You said all the housework falls to you as husband refuses to do it but your children are more than capable of doing stuff.

And you need a conversation about how to split tasks between you. It's likely during school holidays you will do more because you're not working and have more time but he still needs to step up and do the basics.

When you are on a residential then all the work falls to him, while he's working ft too. Yes, it's not a holiday for you, but it does impact him.

I think you should be doing the majority, but he could do a few things. Dh has always emptied the dishwasher, for example, whether I've been working or not.
But you wouldn't be expecting 50/50 which may be the impression he's got.

I’d be really annoyed. The point of marriage, to me, is to enhance the other’s life, not to try to offload as much work as possible on to her/him. I’d look for a year-round job that affords flexibility for me for gym and lunches and perhaps sadly shifts school run on to him. You should be able to continue in your current job while being supported and respected by your husband, but we can’t change others, only ourselves.

I’m surprised at people thinking you should spring into solo housewifely action come each school holiday: your term times sound very full on. And the notion that you should notice sooner that he’s leaving washing to moulder and should have asked him - politely, gently, no doubt - to please sort it out? Sod that. Who does he think he is?

I work termtime and have teenagers. In the holidays I do the vast majority of the household stuff. It only seems fair if he's at work all day and I'm not.

However dh will still do bits such as washing up and if he sees laundry needs doing he'll stick a load on. I don't expect him to do as much as me while I'm at home though. And yes, when he's on annual leave he picks up the majority of the housework.

I do think you should be doing the vast majority if you're off work, especially as you say you took this job because it fit around your family better.

I'll be honest, if my DH was off work and still expected me to hoover etc. I don't think I'd be particularly impressed 🤷‍♀️

I would expect the parent at home like this to do the vast majority though the other parent to chip in.

As your children are secondary school age what are they doing? If you are by any chance the kind of Mum who is still doing everything for them you are setting them up to be useless. I saw the outcome of this when my students turned up not knowing how to function like an adult.

You are doing too much for everyone. Why are you doing school runs and spend whole days at your kids activities plus volunteering for residential trips? Your kids and husband need to take on certain tasks but I think you are all just so used to you being a sahm that they have forgotten or never learnt how to contribute to the running of a household. Sit them all down and together makes a list chores each person is responsible for and don’t take on the majority yourself.

I haven’t RTFT, but it seems to me that if he is expecting you to do all the housework in your holidays, then he is really the only one getting a break.

If you’re just as busy doing all the housework while he gets to have a lot more free time, then that isn’t fair.

It seems to me that you should both share the benefit of your holiday. Which means yes, you do more than you usually do, but he does a share too. That way, you both get some extra downtime, not just him!

Your children are all of an age where they should be pitching in with age appropriate tasks at the end of the day, they are not small children any longer.

You both just need to sit down and communicate TBH. Draw up a rota for the whole family and have a discussion about what happens when one of you is not working and the other is. Get it all down and sorted.

Nobody likes the grind of chores, but they are necessary for a well functioning home and everyone in that home should contribute including the children and young adults. If someone has less external responsibilities then, yes, I would anticipate them picking up a little more of the load.

Other option for your DH is to pay someone to take on his share if he doesn’t want to do it himself!

OP you need to talk to your husband and not bottle it up. Schools have been off for about six weeks and you’re only now raising it.

I would expect to do the bulk while I was off work so his assumption wasn’t unreasonable. However when you have a particularly busy two days it’s easy to say “can you put the washing out/ unload the dishwasher/ throw some dinner together as I’m not going to be back until late”.

I also work term time and am off for 8 weeks in Summer, also 3 DC at home. I honestly wouldn't expect DH to do the hoovering but I would expect him to hang out wet laundry if I'm gone for the day with kids. I'd have to ask though. He switches off household stuff during the summer. He just helps tidy up after meals.

My rule of thumb with DH is I don't expect him to do housework but he cannot generate housework either. I will not go around picking up after him or tidying up after his meals etc.

The biggest issue really is getting kids to do chores, they seem to think they can switch off because I'm home. It stresses me out. I have to ask and remind and argue and refuse lifts etc to get them to do things and DH never gets involved or pulls them up on it. Life would be easier if I was everyone's servant but I refuse to be and will not raise my family like that so this is often perceived as me being difficult.

I also do one off jobs during summer, repainting or decluttering deep cleaning etc. Dh helps a bit but the main workload falls to me. I think our arrangement works well tbh.

He made an assumption which had a big impact on you without telling you he had made it. The two of you talked, he explained what he had assumed and why, you explained that he had assumed incorrectly and his way didn't;t work for you. Is he now doing his share of the work? Will he continue to do so, and next time talk to you first if he wants you to pick up all or part of his share at a specific time? If not, there's a problem.

As for whether it's disrespectful, maybe not if he also automatically does all of the household work whenever he's on leave/has time off and you're working. But communication is key so you each have input and each know what's going to happen and work together to keep things running smoothly.