To find this disrespectful?

[Amoregelato]

I took a term-time only job this year to fit better around our family. I used to be a SAHP but have worked FT for the last 4 years and PT before that for a few years. Youngest DC is starting secondary next week and eldest is starting 6th Form. DH is self-employed and primarily WFH. He earns a lot more than me. We had a two week family holiday at the start of the summer holidays.

When I started working FT, DH had to step up in terms of helping around the house. It is a general bone of contention and tends to go in phases. He does a lot with the day to day but doesn't do the unseen bits (i.e will make dinner but wouldn't think to clean bathrooms or change beds etc).

My job is very inflexible. I start at 08 30 and finish (if I'm lucky) at 16 30. My day is full-on with no time for anything other than work. I also do the school run so leave at 07 15 and get back at 18 00 ish. DH has a more flexible job - he can take appointments, go to the gym and often goes to lunch with his family. We are a very busy household and someone has something on most, if not every, night of the week and most weekends. It is exhausting but ultimately that is the way we have chosen to live our lives so we get on with it.

Over the holidays, DH has stopped contributing in any way towards the running of our household. I get that I am technically off work (I have done some additional work but only 5 days) and for the most part I don't begrudge this. However, it's not like I've been sat on my arse. Most days have been taking DC to various things as well as trying to do the jobs that I never can in term-time I.e. decorating and clearing out etc. He has literally stopped doing anything. I have been out for two full days for an activity for DC and there has been a load of washing sat in the machine since then. He hasn't hoovered, cooked, emptied the dishwasher or reminded DC to do homework. Everything has come to me. We've had it out this afternoon and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. He said that he made the assumption that because I'm off then I'll do it all. I think that if you know I'm not going to be in then you'd at least empty the washing machine and dishwasher rather than leave everything piling up for me to do and that his attitude is really disrespectful.

DH and I used to argue a lot about this kind of thing.

I said do your share of cleaning or contribute to a cleaning service. He chose cleaning service.

He wouldn't leave washing in for 2 days.

But if I want the sheets changed I have to strip the bed and leave it. Nothing else works.

It's invisible labour and setting a bad example to your children!

I work in a school, DH works fulltime. During term time we share housework - and are very much an equal team. (Don’t get me wrong - I often have to say things like “could you take some of those clothes up next time you go upstairs” or “can you grab the sheets off the bed while I hang this load out” as he wouldn’t think to do it himself - although he is getting better!!)
In school holidays I do much more of the cleaning, wouldn’t occur to me to assume he was going to still do half. He still does his share at weekends and will help tidy up after tea.
There have been days he’s taken leftover annual leave during term time and I’ve come home to a tidy house.
Surely house work is shared equally if both people are at work full time, and shared proportionally if one works longer hours than the other/one person isn’t at work?

DH needs task he’s responsible for no matter what your schedule is. For example, load and empty dishwasher, run the vacuum, fold laundry, etc. You’re not a work mule! Make him pull his weight! You deserve down time the same as him.

The point you make back is you being off work doesn’t make him single nor does it mean he’s not a dad, and you will be having a much bigger conversation if he wants to behave like either of those are true in the holidays. Set days he cooks dinner, days he cleans up dinner, days he manages homework etc and you can agree you will look after the kids from 9-5 every single day in the holidays. Otherwise he can ditch you but not the kids and you will divvy up the holidays and he will have to take some leave to look after them.

I work part time so have some free time in the day to get jobs done. In the holidays dh does more because I have dc all day!

He's being unfair.

Of course it's not reasonable for someone to expect the other person to take over all household responsibilities. He still has after work and weekends as free time. The person at home should take over more, but if you have days when you're out all day, then the stuff that needs doing that day should be split in the evenings - cooking, washing, dishes etc. Also, you have four children who are of the age to help with stuff too, so give them some jobs to do too. There are six people in the house, not just you.

It sounds like the OP's doing everything. Aside from the husband, why aren't the kids contributing? They're old enough, and should know how to run a dishwasher and a washing machine at the very least.