Not letting neighbourhood kids play inside

[Debbie7171]

My son is 8 and has made friends with a few kids on the street similar age (2 older 1 younger) and they like playing together which is nice because he’s an only child.

We have connecting gardens and my garden is the only one playable due to work being done or no toys etc. The kids play together most days we’re at home in my garden, I’m happy for this. But this then means if anyone needs the loo or they get bored they all then enter my house (4 kids normally including mine).

I’m a clean freak so managing a house with 1 child is easily done. I have however let them in multiple times to play but after it feels as tho I’m cleaning up after a kids party. The kids are nice and polite it’s not like they trash the house but still it’s toys all over, pen marks from colouring on the table, grass trampled in from outside, empty cups just typical kid mess.

So some days in particular if we have plans to go out that afternoon and I don’t have time to tidy up after playing before we leave or if I’ve done a big clean I say no you stay outside or you don’t play. I feel a bit cruel and my son thinks I’m being unreasonable and I feel bad as though I’m not allowing my child in his own house to play. I don’t know either set of the other parents so I’d rather my son not go there not that they’ve ever asked to go to another house.

AIBU to sometimes say no to letting my son play inside with his friends?

Your poor son. So basically your desire for a clean house is more important than his happiness. It's his home too.

And they do play inside but my point is I have 4 kids playing at my house most days and some days I ask if they can play outside because it starts to feel like my house is a play centre. Baring in mind I don’t know the parents and the youngest is 4.

Just tell them to pop home if they need the loo

Oh give over, OP doesn't want kids tramping over her house constantly, neither would I

Rules when I was a kid was garden only. Nobody was allowed in the house unless invited for dinner/sleepover.

Friends mum was more relaxed but her garden was overgrown so had to play inside 🤣

We tend to do garden here as it’s just too many people unless it’s say one friend upto their room.

A few people I’ve spoke to said they had that same rule and not to feel bad for implementing it.

Some outside the box ideas depending on budget / space:

Do you have room in the garden for a shed? And make DS den outside which if done well will last well into the teen years.

Alternatively you might be able to pick up a cheapish tent as it's the end of season sales soon and put that up so they have somewhere dry to play.

I have the same rule mainly because dh is working from home full time so they'd have to play in bedrooms and then I can't keep an eye on them.
Everyone plays outside, goes to their own homes for toilet trips. I provide a big bowl of popcorn and snacks and other mums do similar.
Our front yard has become the hub for all the kids from surrounding two street because ours is quiet and safe.
I'm sometimes surprised that no other parent ever comes to check on their kids throughout the day, I'm out every 20 minutes checking up on them.
I also have quite strict rules, no cycling on the road, no going round the block, no going into anyone else's home and definitely no picking flowers from anyone's garden.

Are you saying you have a 4 year old playing at your house and you do not know the parents? This would concern me more than the mess. I would not mind them coming in but would have boundaries. I think you definitely need contact numbers for the parents.

The tent or outdoor shed are great ideas.

Don’t feel bad about this. It sounds like you have a good kid friendly garden which you are happy for your son to share with his friends. Surely it’s better for them if weather is dry to play outside anyway. I would be telling them to nip home if they needed to use the loo also. It’s not like they are friends on a play date they are neighbours all playing together so should use own facilities and not yours. Any toys taken out I would be encouraging them to tidy up before they go home also.

I do find it odd that you don’t know the other parents though and especially that a 4 year old is around. Have you never chatted to them in the r street whilst the children play or if they cal one home etc etc? We have quite a kid friendly street with 5 houses of children who all play together either out front with always one of the parents watching or in gardens which we always encourage them to ask permission for first (both of the garden owner and their own parent so they know where they are). Toilet trips are back to own homes. Inside play happens occasionally (eg if all playing well and it starts to rain) but only with an invite from whoever the home owner is not just barging in.

It’s perfectly okay to put your own rules in place. Discuss them in appropriate way with your son and it should only take few weeks for kids to realise the change. Don’t be afraid to come to door when they appear to be coming inside and say “no we’re only playing outside today not inside please stay in garden”.

Just a view from a parent of an older child (now 19). When they get to teenage years, do you want them to be out hanging around the streets or would you prefer them to be safe, where you know where they are in your home? If you have an open door policy now they are more likely to want to hand around when they’re older. My son and his friends were always hanging around at one house or another and even now will often head back to one house after the pub.
I know parents that weren’t keen to have friends round when they were younger often didn’t know where they were as they got older.
if he is 8 now, I’d say you’ve got 3 years max of mess and then it will calm down. It’s also the end of summer and getting colder and darker so they won’t want to be in the garden all the time.

But if they can't play in others' gardens, why can't they play in others' houses?

Those mums have got it easy

The tent and outdoor shed/den are great long term ideas for you to consider.

An only child needs consideration and he is asking to be accommodated.

I understand you not wanting it all in your house every day though.

Some parents are very very happy to allow one house to bear the load.

Explain to your son that every day will not be happening especially when school opens.

Being a clean freak is something to work on. That is not fair on your child.
I say this as someone with a super organised house etc. You all have to live too.
Can you designate one room in the house as a play room/den for him to have friends and make it clear there is no wandering about?

Do you want your son to say in future years that this is what he remembers of his childhood? You being unreasonable regarding friends coming to play as a clean house was all you cared about?
I doubt you do.

So start looking at reasonable compromises because this issue is not going away.
Log cabins as dens are really great. You can insulate them, make them very cosy.
If you run electricity and wifi out there, they are a great asset to a house if you were to sell, as they have potential to be an office.
Just give your many options some thought.

I think kids always congregate in one specific house.

I quite liked it. It wouldn’t bother me at all.

My 8 year old plays with friends in our street. They are allowed in my house if it is raining and i feel like it is my turn as been in the other houses more recently than mine.

It isn't mess that bothers me but my dh, older child and me do like to relax which is not possible with 8 year olds playing even though all lovely children.

If in garden i would let them in for toilet or a drink rather than go home but that's it.

No way. We played in friends gardens like this and never ever went into their houses. Send them home if they need the toilet.

My only child has grown up now, but when young we had an open door policy, with many kids in the garden and house and sleepovers most weekends. In the teen years friends were staying over all the time and I was thankful that my child was mostly in their bedroom chatting to their mates and not out drinking in the park.

Not unreasonable.

We don't have anyone in our house outside of necessities. Either you live here or you are working providing a service (builders, electricians, gas man etc...).

I cannot stand people in my space and have had very bad experiences before with thefts, things getting broken/ruined and family members who can't respect even basic boundaries.

We will be wonderfully social but it will happen anywhere but our sanctuary, the garden is fine though. No one is going to nick a tree, theres nothing personal in the garden and its pretty hard to break anything out there etc...

I also love a clean house and understand hating the inevitable mess, but also feel I want my kids to be able to invite who they want around - especially now they are teenagers. It’s a hard balance.

It’s perfectly fine to ask DS and his friends to tidy up before they leave, you know. If you feel uncomfortable, say that if they tidy away, you’ll give them a kitkat or something. I used to childmind and whether I had 3 or 8 kids, they understood they tidied up at hometime.

Absolutely no way would I have these kids playing indoors at mine randomly…..I have a downstairs toilet at the back door so would be ok with that…..otherwise they would all be sent home to the use their own toilets

I think it’s a bit mean to be honest. I would work on lowering your anxiety around being tidy rather than stop your kids mates from coming in the house. Could you also try and encourage them to play at someone else’s house sometimes? Feels unfair you should have them all the time but I’d tolerate if I needed to.

Do you think it would be better to get to know the kids' parents? wherever they are on your property, if something goes wrong, you will need to be able to get in touch with the parents quickly so it seems to me a bit dodgy to not even know them.

Do the parents of the 4 yr old know they're going in other people's houses??

I would def have a garden-only rule, go home for the toilet. What if one complains to the parents and they accuse you of being a paedo?

I don't think it's mean at all, it's called having boundaries. You have a right to not have your house messed up. I send DC outside when I've just cleaned up at the end of the day and know mess is about to be made.