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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was what DP said out of order

34 replies

Pinkflamingo1122 · 29/08/2024 12:06

Been in a relationship with DP for almost 4 yrs. There's been high and lows throughout the relationship. It had been fine for quite a while but recently we have been bickering and felt it hasn't been quite right.
Anyway we were sitting on the sofa the other night talking about things.
For background I was in an abusive relationship almost 10 yrs ago. He was emotionally abusive and I ended up in a woman's refuge. This man still continues to be awful as we share a child together. Dp knows all the background.
So when we were talking DP said I had been argumentative and I said I felt I had not I was just stating my feelings. Dp then said "were you like this with you ex, always argumentative and that's why he reacted the way he did"
I looked at him shocked and I said I can't believe you just said that. You're basically saying I asked for the abuse are you?
Dp then did apologise and said sorry that was harsh but now I'm wondering is that what he thinks?
I don't know my head is all confused, was I being argumentative with DP? I don't think I was but I also don't think that comment was called for. AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkflamingo1122 · 29/08/2024 12:08

Sorry title should say was what DP said out of order. I've asked to change the title

OP posts:
loropianalover · 29/08/2024 12:09

Sounds like a slippery slope here OP. If he can justify your exes behaviour, he’ll justify his own when he hurts you. He’s planting the seed that you are the argumentative and crazy one.

DancingLions · 29/08/2024 12:11

I'm not sure I could get past this tbh. It's a terrible thing to say on so many levels.
I also don't think it's a positive thing that you describe the relationship as being "highs and lows". A healthy relationship should be more stable.

I think you should take a step back and really weigh everything up and ask yourself whether this relationship is right for you.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 29/08/2024 12:11

It’s possible you were being argumentative but that doesn’t justify what he said to you. He either said it because that’s what he believes, or to hurt you. Either of those is unacceptable. I’d end the relationship personally.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 29/08/2024 12:13

Just wow.
Ltb and don't look back.

Seas164 · 29/08/2024 12:16

This would be the end for me, he's betrayed what he believes, and that would put me off him permanently.

Get out now, if it's already been ups and downs, which isn't really a glowing report of a relationship that's only 4 years in, this is going downhill and I'd say you've had the best of it.

You're worth more.

Chonk · 29/08/2024 12:21

I'd leave over that comment.

Karmaisac4t · 29/08/2024 12:24

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 29/08/2024 12:11

It’s possible you were being argumentative but that doesn’t justify what he said to you. He either said it because that’s what he believes, or to hurt you. Either of those is unacceptable. I’d end the relationship personally.

Agree with this PP, either way, he wanted to upset you and knew how to strike deep. I couldn’t get past this.

Original poster
Pinkflamingo1122 · 29/08/2024 12:25

I think I also had tears in my eyes when he said that and was quite upset but he offered no comfort or oh I'm really sorry I didn't mean to make you cry

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 29/08/2024 12:26

What a nasty thing to say, even in anger. He’s showed his true self OP. You deserve better

Projectme · 29/08/2024 12:33

agree with @Shoutinglagerlagerlager

either way, he knew it would upset you.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 29/08/2024 12:34

You said it already doesn't feel quite right and now he's slipped and shown that he thinks it's ok to behave abusively as long as you "deserve" it.

Listen to your gut.

PaininthePreferbial · 29/08/2024 12:48

There are quite a few red flags @Pinkflamingo1122 -

  • him using what you shared with him when you trusted him against you later, to bring you down a peg or two, whatever his reason was;
  • highs and lows in a relatively short relationship, that's why things have been fine for a while then you have a feeling of unease (they build you up solely to knock you down, and each knock down is more soul destroying than the last);
  • not taking responsibility for hurting you (that's because it was intentional);
  • your feeling of confusion.

They appear so loving some of the time, when everything is lovely you can't possibly think the bad thing they did was intentional, your lovely soulmate wouldn't do that! But he did - it is intentional. They keep your head filled with them all of the time so you can't see their behaviour for what it is, the confusion you feel is created by them. It's easy for outsiders who have experience or knowledge of these behaviours to see because we haven't had the 'pleasure' of his charming side.

Flowers
Original poster
Pinkflamingo1122 · 29/08/2024 12:58

PaininthePreferbial · 29/08/2024 12:48

There are quite a few red flags @Pinkflamingo1122 -

  • him using what you shared with him when you trusted him against you later, to bring you down a peg or two, whatever his reason was;
  • highs and lows in a relatively short relationship, that's why things have been fine for a while then you have a feeling of unease (they build you up solely to knock you down, and each knock down is more soul destroying than the last);
  • not taking responsibility for hurting you (that's because it was intentional);
  • your feeling of confusion.

They appear so loving some of the time, when everything is lovely you can't possibly think the bad thing they did was intentional, your lovely soulmate wouldn't do that! But he did - it is intentional. They keep your head filled with them all of the time so you can't see their behaviour for what it is, the confusion you feel is created by them. It's easy for outsiders who have experience or knowledge of these behaviours to see because we haven't had the 'pleasure' of his charming side.

Flowers

Thank you and I know what you're describing is the cycle of abuse. I feel so silly. I also feel trapped because my DC gets on so well with him and his DC and I feel I'll be breaking my DC heart.
We are suppose to all be going away next year together and DC is so looking forward to it. However I've expressed to DP that I really don't think I can afford it (had alot of legal bills to pay for ex taking me to court for DC). I've literally got off the phone to DP as this morning I've expressed I am having financial issues and don't think I can afford the holiday. DP has ignored the texts and when I asked on the phone if he had taken these messages in, he said well I've busy this morning doing this and that so I havent really thought about the messages you sent me or had time to really reply back to it, although he did reply but just ignored the thing about the holiday.
I feel so upset and confused by the whole thing.

OP posts:
apostrophewoman · 29/08/2024 13:06

Do you live with him? That comment would have finished it for me.

Skyrainlight · 29/08/2024 13:07

Pinkflamingo1122 · 29/08/2024 12:25

I think I also had tears in my eyes when he said that and was quite upset but he offered no comfort or oh I'm really sorry I didn't mean to make you cry

I think he has told you what you need to know. I'd be out of there. You deserve someone who treats you well and doesn't use your past trauma against. you.

soscarlet · 29/08/2024 13:07

Some men will side with other men above the women they profess to care about. He’s let slip that he thinks it’s ok to be abusive if the woman deserves it or is asking for it.

Get out of there and don’t look back.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/08/2024 13:11

Sorry that he's shown his true colours OP, when you dump him be sure to tell people why before he gets his narrative in.

thursdaymurderclub · 29/08/2024 13:12

maybe in the moment you were being arguementative, however your partner chose the wrong words to express what he was trying to say!

rather than pick up on this one comment, you need to look at why you are bickering, because thats really where the problem lies.

not many people understand what its like to be in an abusive relationship, and for me, it was easier to argue and start a fight, take the beating and then we could move to the making up stage! it was wrong and i am thankfully no longer in that relationship, but even with my DH, i sometimes fall back into those 'fight or flight' actions as they are so ingrained into me now.

LoremIpsumCici · 29/08/2024 13:14

So when we were talking DP said I had been argumentative and I said I felt I had not I was just stating my feelings. Dp then said "were you like this with you ex, always argumentative and that's why he reacted the way he did"

What he said was out of order even if you were being argumentative.
Chances are you and DP have been argumentative now and then as you have both been arguing.

He has really put his mouth in it and sounds like he is very clueless about domestic abuse and how your trauma means you have low tolerance for friction in a relationship. That you are not as thick skinned as a woman who has never been abused.

I am glad he immediately apologised for what he said.

It’s up to you if this is a final straw or not. It doesn’t have to be. He sounds more clueless than malicious. The prior relationship will affect this one with your DP and it may be a bump you can both navigate.

betterangels · 29/08/2024 13:15

He doesn't sound great overall, but that? Fuck him.

PaininthePreferbial · 29/08/2024 13:19

Please don't feel silly @Pinkflamingo1122 , he didn't come wearing a badge saying abuser, they never do, it can happen to any of us Flowers

I can understand the feelings of worry that your DC will be upset but please don't let that feeling persuade you to put up with the abuse any longer (the longer you leave it the harder it will get). I would be honest with your DC, in an age appropriate way obviously, and hopefully you'll be able to give them happy times just you and them, with no doubting about fannybaws and his twattish behaviour and the confidence of being your own person Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2024 13:20

soscarlet · 29/08/2024 13:07

Some men will side with other men above the women they profess to care about. He’s let slip that he thinks it’s ok to be abusive if the woman deserves it or is asking for it.

Get out of there and don’t look back.

This. Not only is he nasty, it's a threat.

betterangels · 29/08/2024 13:22

soscarlet · 29/08/2024 13:07

Some men will side with other men above the women they profess to care about. He’s let slip that he thinks it’s ok to be abusive if the woman deserves it or is asking for it.

Get out of there and don’t look back.

I hadn't seen this post, but it is spot on.

5128gap · 29/08/2024 13:24

I'm so sorry OP. His mask fell and you got a glimpse of the real man beneath it. Yes, i think you can be reasonably confident that at least part of him thinks you were partly responsible for your ex's behaviour, that you exaggerated it and/or drove him to it and then franed yourself as a victim. So many men seem to secretly harbour these views but its beyond tragic that you have ended up with one after all you've survived. I really don't know where you go from there tbh as its a massive reveal about him.