Was what DP said out of order

[Pinkflamingo1122]

Been in a relationship with DP for almost 4 yrs. There's been high and lows throughout the relationship. It had been fine for quite a while but recently we have been bickering and felt it hasn't been quite right.
Anyway we were sitting on the sofa the other night talking about things.
For background I was in an abusive relationship almost 10 yrs ago. He was emotionally abusive and I ended up in a woman's refuge. This man still continues to be awful as we share a child together. Dp knows all the background.
So when we were talking DP said I had been argumentative and I said I felt I had not I was just stating my feelings. Dp then said "were you like this with you ex, always argumentative and that's why he reacted the way he did"
I looked at him shocked and I said I can't believe you just said that. You're basically saying I asked for the abuse are you?
Dp then did apologise and said sorry that was harsh but now I'm wondering is that what he thinks?
I don't know my head is all confused, was I being argumentative with DP? I don't think I was but I also don't think that comment was called for. AIBU to think this?

I would say we have been good since the beginning of this year. Once my court case was over it got better. He said he felt stressed because of all the court issues I had to deal with. I reminded him that it was actually happening to me and it was not about him and his feelings. Sure I guess it was stressful for him to watch and see me upset but surely you'd be a support for your partner and not make it about yourself? That was the excuse anyway that he gave for us not being good and him being off with me.

The revictimisation rate for DV survivors is something like 30% for a reason.
Unfortunately we often seek what we know due to finding it comforting and attractive and toxic people give sharp dopamine spikes that survivors have been conditioned to crave.

I could not get past this comment. It is the worst thing you could ever say to a survivor and would be relationship ending for me.

There is no justification for domestic violence or emotional/psychological abuse

Oh also another thing that's just popped into my mind. Sorry it's quite good to sound out on the board because sometimes in my mind I question if its really "that bad".
I've been diagnosed ADHD the inattentive type, this was a few years ago now. So sometimes I do struggle with social cues and talking. I often will cut someone off a sentence which I don't mean to do and I say sorry and divert back to the person. DP has always known this of me and he's got it before and never mentioned it being an issue before, we just carry on talking and I say sorry you carry on. Recently DP has seemed in such a rage and making me feel shameful about it. Saying to me why can't you just control it, why do you do this or why do you do that. I know this can annoy people and I do my best, DP knows i struggle with symptoms and low self esteem sometimes. Recently I just feel rubbish about myself like yea why can I not just stop it.

OP, this man isn't good for you. Please get away. Imagine making your girlfriend's DV court case about you and moaning about how it stresses you out! Again, fuck him.

He found your court case stressful because your attention was not fully on him. What's he like with your birthdays?

'So when we were talking DP said I had been argumentative and I said I felt I had not I was just stating my feelings'.

I saw an Instagram post the other day that said:

'Avoid people who always consider you expressing how you feel as arguing. That's called gaslighting. They do this so they don't have to take accountability for their own behaviour.'

There is no possible scenario where what he said was anything other than bloody awful and a massive warning of what is waiting down the line if you stay with this man.

*He has used your trauma to hurt you.
He has minimised what your ex did to you by calling it a reaction, rather than abuse, He has justified your ex’s abuse by suggesting that you deserved it
*He has implied that he understands why your ex abused you (leading any rational person to wonder whether he’d behave the same in the future)
*He has told you that you setting out your feelings is ‘argumentative’ rather than listening to you

He is not a good man.

Recently I just feel rubbish about myself like yea why can I not just stop it Why can you not just stop having ADHD? Is that what you’re asking yourself? Uhm, because it’s a medical condition and not just a case of bad manners?

The writing's on the wall, op. I hope you read it.