To ask if you stayed with your husband with depression?

[YoucancallmeBettyDraper]

Just that, really. People whose male partners have/had depression/anxiety, did you stay? How did you cope?
I'm aware the marriage vows are "in sickness and in health", but I feel as though the life is being sucked out of me. I know that a man whose wife has cancer asking this would be flamed, none of us signs up to be a carer but we do our best because we love the person.
But, but. An equal, loving partnership - that's what I wanted. And that's what I want my child to grow up around, not two unhappy parents.
I am giving everything to trying to support my husband alongside looking after my toddler. His mental health issues have made him mean and brittle, rude and unloving. At other times I still see the real him. Yet I don't believe I can carry on living like this, it doesn't seem fair on my little boy.

Please share your experiences and advice.
Thanks

Is he having treatment/open to treatment?

I did stay, and it did get better (although it's always at the back of my mind that it might come back and dh didn't really deal with it in a healthy way).

Men do seem particularly prone to not engaging in management of their own health and part of being a family, imo, is that you try to stay as well as you can for the sake of all of you.

You have to find your own source of happiness, and try not to either get dragged down by his moods, or make yourself responsible for them. I find mindfulness type techniques helpful for that- noticing and taking pleasure in the small things around you. And try and find the right balance of when to drag him out of himself and insist that he leaves the house and does something fun, and when to leave him to it- and that depends on your needs, not just his.

It can be hard, and frustrating, and lonely. And it can feel counterintuitive to grow a shell against the unhappiness of someone you love. But I think you have to, to an extent.

Whilst on the surface you could be called heartless, I think it's completely understandable to feel how you do especially when he turns nasty towards you.

Has your dh made any attempt to see doctors, get help etc?

In answer to questions, yes he is getting help. He has been very proactive on that front for as long as I have known him.

In my worse moments I feel like a fool for marrying him. In hindsight I realise he was coasting through life, managing his issues and not having too much responsibility to worry about. Having a demanding child and a stressful job just seems too much for him.

I am unhappy but I am very strong and will not fall apart, but I am wondering what my life will look like.

My husband has had a few episodes of depression and our marriage survived. I think it's because he accepted counselling. Even though I had to push really hard for him to accept it first time. He only did it as I convinced him it was best for our child. I suggest you get a book Why Women Talk and Men Walk. It has a chapter Why Women Leave and within it a section on what untreated male depression does to a marriage. I hope it helps

I left. He spent years suffering with depression, deciding the meds didn't work or didn't like them, randomly stopping the meds but not telling me. Then falling back into a spiral of depression. This went on for years. Got fed up of the silent treatment/moods, excessive sleeping, not wanting to do anything etc. His depression was making me depressed. In the end it was me leaving (for my own sanity!) that caused him to seek proper help.

If you're not happy you can leave still. Life is short

i stayed but it was very hard for extended periods of time. He was in and out of hospital when the kids were very young as it became extreme. Other times not so extreme but these were actually harder to understand and manage. He is now on quite a mild anti depressant and stays level with some dips. I know the signs before he does. Try to work them out if you haven’t. His are excessive cleaning (at least I have a clean house!), Agree with poster about having a shell and also very clear boundaries. Mine were/are around alcohol and I have asked him to leave the house when he has crossed a boundary. I have to force him to communicate well in good times so we are prepared if depression drags him down. My family all know about it which helps. At the worst times, I felt responsible and ashamed. You must never feel this and if you do, seek support. I had free counselling and it was life changing. Lots of love and solidarity x

I suspect that men are a lot more likely to leave a relationship in this situation than are women.

My BF and her partner split up due to his MH and he is much happier and healthier now that he has fewer responsibilities in life. She is still pretty scarred by the experience.

I did - but it was touch and go for a while. He was refusing to acknowledge there was even a problem let alone seek treatment and after 6-7 years of it, I was the one being treated for depression.

Very long story short - I ended up giving him the 'shape up or ship out' talk. I think in his case that along with the depression there was a habit of just being 'down' and frankly obnoxious. It was a case of putting on my own oxygen mask in order to help others, ie our DD. His depression did improve and we are still together. But I've made it clear - if it happens again - I'm out. It nearly killed me and if I'd known of MN at the time, I would have long gone. To this day, I don't think he realises how shitty the whole period was.

There is absolutely no value in the whole family being pulled down by someone who is so unpleasant - you have a responsibility, a greater responsibility to your child.

My view is - illness brings out the real personality. Pain, whether physical or mental is tiring and prolonged pain all the more so.

It's interesting you give the example of husbands leaving a wife with a cancer diagnosis would be flamed if they asked the same question. probably so, but it really is a thing - many husbands do leave wives who have cancer, and they would never ask anyone.

"I suspect that men are a lot more likely to leave a relationship in this situation than are women."

What I meant by this is that I think a man would leave his depressed wife more readily than a woman would leave her depressed husband.

Sending love. I haven't solved this for myself... living with a partner with anxiety and depression who has also tackled alcohol issues . I'm staying because I'm keeping it all on an even keel and it's nicer for the kids I think but it's hard. If wr had no kids I'd be gone x

DH has had lifelong depression and I've stayed but he knows that this is on the condition that he engaged with treatment. He is on an even keel for the vast majority of the time but every now and again will go into a spiral, they're the times when he needs medication adjustments or therapy (or both). When DC1 was small he tried to ride out one of these spirals with no support and it was awful - the short temper, the sleeping, not wanting to go out, being withdrawn, not eating or else massively overeating, not bathing, not doing household chores, and so on, basically just opting out of everything. I had a baby to look after, a house to run, and a job. I also grew up living with a parent who refused to acknowledge or seek treatment for their mental illness to the point that they were emotionally abusive for the entirety of my childhood and early adulthood. I ended up sitting DH down one afternoon and very bluntly telling him that he needed to either seek help or move out and that there would be no compromise on it, I said I'd support him in getting help and I'd support him through it if he was making the same effort but that if he was going to let him sink then I'd be making sure that DC and I didn't sink with him.

Depression isn't a choice but doing nothing about it is.

My ex was undiagnosed/untreated for probably the last 10 years and getting gradually worse until hitting crisis point in January this year. With him finally on medication and with support we were able to have a grown up conversation about how bad everything was and now we're separated. My cup was empty and I was so burnt out I had to call time. His moods affected everything, his negativity was ruining the happiness of everyone in the house, and he would just fall back on the fact that he was depressed without any acknowledgement of the impact he was having on everyone else. In a comment somewhere someone said that someone with depression will be aware that they can't do the things they need to do and part of the spiral is feeling bad about that, but for my ex it was all about him, zero awareness of the impact he had on family life, and unapologetic about his anger and negativity. Once I finally saw how much he expected us to put his needs first - kids to be quiet, overreacting to normal child behaviour or reasonable requests from a partner - I called time. Now I'm gradually refilling my cup and am also realising the full impact this has had on me and the kids. I was 50 this year so figure 5 years in therapy to recover myself as money always went on his therapy needs, then I stand a chance of another 25 years with someone who can actually be there for me and treat me with kindness and respect, whether they themselves are happy/sad/sick. Or I'll spend it alone. Possibly it's selfish but it's good to feel that I have my life ahead of me again and I now have the energy to support and love my kids instead of using all my energy to shield us from his moods.

OP, I could literally have written this post. Toddler and all. Feel free to PM me.

Thank you, I will read this

It sounds like you are both happier now. Sometimes I imagine us happy, separately and perhaps with other partners, though I don’t fear being a single mum. I know it is so tough, and our child has health problems, but at least I wouldn’t be on eggshells all the time. The thing I find hardest is that whatever help and support I offer him never seems to be good enough. And maybe it isn’t. Maybe I am not the right person to support him. I have our child to think about

You say you're strong and won't fall apart, that's not necessarily the case.

I helped my ex who had depression for a very very long time, I would have said that I was a very strong person who would never give up but honestly in the end, I ended up depressed alongside him and almost had a breakdown.

We split about four years ago now and honestly I look back and can see yes I was strong but also I wasn't looking after myself and my own mental health. There is a point where you have to put yourself first.

However, saying all that. Your DH is helping himself and my ex didn't do that. He had depression however he didn't believe in councelling or even tablets to help so I was onto a lost cause with that one really.

You don't have to stay, OP.

That's not meant to be condescending or patronising but it's just a fact and maybe you need to hear it.

You don't have to.

I tried for a long time (10yrs) in a position similar to yours. I didn't want to think about it in 10 years time and realise I'd missed out on more.

It was a difficult decision to make, but I had to do it for me and the children. They are calmer and happier, and I am a better person to be around. It is only when you step away that you realise the heaviness that you have to contend with everyday.

There is being strong and being strong. I'm glad that I have been strong for me and the children. We live now.

Sending lots of support.

Yes. But as PPs have said... long story short...

After many years I told him he had to engage with therapy and meds. That was non-negotiable for me. Yes he had trauma from before he met me but it was his responsibility to deal with it, with my support.

I didn't accept lounging around. Fair enough if he wasn't well enough to work... but if he was well enough to get himself out of bed to go to the toilet then he was well enough to empty bins, do washing up, sort laundry etc. which along with the mental and financial load I just couldn't handle. He had to do what he could.

I told him that by not being proactive in his recovery he was giving me a shitty choice... live with him like that, or upend our lives... and that no doubt I would have had to do the admin of any breakup too. I just didn't want that... I didn't stay together for the kids... but I wanted us to stay together as a family unit and a couple if possible because I do actually like him!

I told him that his destructive meltdowns were abusive and controlling and eventually I'd had enough of them and they had to stop too. They did, once I put it like that.

After many years... we're still here, he can't take too much stress, but he's on an even keel and we have a nice life.

That is a VERY edited version of everything that happened BTW!!

I've stayed, we've worked through 2 major episodes and 2 minor ones.

He knows that if things take a turn for the worst, he must must must acknowledge it and seek help- even going to stay elsewhere (as it can impact his view of me and the dtwins) if necessary whilst working through the crisis (I'd never withdraw my support but he has previously tried to bring me into his chaos and it ends up with such paranoia/ negative spiralling/ arguments at the drop of a hat).

He accesses meds, has had lots of therapy and most recently was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. He also has historical trauma.

But being out on the other side, they are parts of him, but not all of who he is. I love him fiercely and am mentally very strong. It's not for everyone, this sort of dynamic.

That sounds really, really hard. I’m sorry.
My husband’s warning sign is that he will tell me he is doing too much. I will try to take over as much as I can, childcare, cooking etc. However I also have a career and my sanity to maintain, so if I ask him
to do anything I will then be told I’m not supporting him enough. Sometimes it feels like he wants a nurse, not a wife. He is a good dad but I know on some level he resents me and the fact I ask for equal parenting (or as equal as is possible).

I stayed. I love him and he did his part in terms of accessing his treatment.

I felt that was very fair.

Yes, I know men often leave when their wives develop ill health. My friend who died young had a useless man baby who failed to support her through her illness. I suppose the self-loathing part of me worries I’m no better.

At various points in our relationship I’ve expressed frustration and sadness at his inertia to the point where I’ve said I would leave. In hindsight maybe I should have just gone. He gave me marriage and a baby and I do believe he loved me.

So I don’t think the ship up or ship out talk will do anything but make him feel worse, though a lot of what you say resonates. For how long do you try to save someone who is drowning before they pull you under yourself?