To ask if you stayed with your husband with depression?

[YoucancallmeBettyDraper]

Just that, really. People whose male partners have/had depression/anxiety, did you stay? How did you cope?
I'm aware the marriage vows are "in sickness and in health", but I feel as though the life is being sucked out of me. I know that a man whose wife has cancer asking this would be flamed, none of us signs up to be a carer but we do our best because we love the person.
But, but. An equal, loving partnership - that's what I wanted. And that's what I want my child to grow up around, not two unhappy parents.
I am giving everything to trying to support my husband alongside looking after my toddler. His mental health issues have made him mean and brittle, rude and unloving. At other times I still see the real him. Yet I don't believe I can carry on living like this, it doesn't seem fair on my little boy.

Please share your experiences and advice.
Thanks

My DP was depressed and probably still is so some extent. Lived with him and I couldn’t stand the moods, sleeping, angry, lack of intimacy, cancelled plans, drinking. I did say many times he needed help and was depressed, but he said he’d wasn’t and now I understand he saw it as a sign of weakness.

I left and bought a house myself as my mental health was getting bad. I lived miles away from my friends and worked at home. I couldn’t live walking on egg shells anymore. I did tell him what I was doing and why, but he was too depressed I think to understand.

6 weeks after I moved out he asked to meet. He went to GP day after I left for help. Diagnosed with depression and sought help. It stemmed from work stress and some family issues. Said he didn’t want to talk to me about it as he didn’t want to look weak! We did get back together on the terms he seeks help if he feels depressed and talks to me. I understand and will support. He said his therapist said his fear of telling me was stemmed from his military days and stoic up brining.

we live separately now, but honestly he lives in my house 5/6 days a week. We are looking to live in together again. Renting his house out so if it goes wrong again there is a fall back. I am nervous to live together again as his depressive state upset me. But he sought help and seems to recognise his behaviour now and if he is slipping talks to me.

I wouldn’t have gotten back with him if he hadn’t sought help. So far he is good, if not the best version I have seen.

Thanks for sharing your story. You have been through it, my god.
Was there a moment where you knew it was over or was it a slow realisation?
My husband is a wonderful father and I don’t believe that our child is suffering because of his illness. It is me who is suffering, but a time will come where my child might start to notice my unhappiness.

I was awful when I was depressed. Horrible to live with and scary for him too not knowing what I would do when he wasn't there. This was decades ago now. Thankfully my DH didn't leave me and we got through it (really he got me through it). I have real sympathy for you @YoucancallmeBettyDraper. I guess only you can decide. But I did get better and I although I've had low moments I've never sunk into that state again. In my case it took 6 months for the worst to pass and 3 years to be 90% recovered. So it was not a short time but decades later it feels it.

I had 6-7 years of DH in a really bad way, and his behaviour was adversely effecting our DD as well as me. Please don't assume there is no impact on your DS - at the very least if it's impacting you, there'll be a knock on effect on to your child.

I take what you mean about the 'shape up, ship out' comment and frankly I was surprised I said what I said at the time and that it had some positive impact. I was the complete selfishness of the depressive behaviour. I was at absolute breaking point. He still refused to go the a GP, but eventually he suggest relationship counselling, which I'm honest I was very reluctant to take part in, but I did, as it was better than nothing. My reasoning here was that without resolving the depression, we couldn't improve the relationship. The example I used at the time was you don't start training for a marathon, until the broken leg is healed.

Please get support for yourself. I did seek help from a counsellor and from family & friends. One particular couple were an absolute lifeline. And remember you are not your DH's therapist / counsellor - you are his wife. A supporter - yes, a confidant, of course. And most most important - you do not have to go down into the depths of depression and despair with him to prove your love. One of you needs to be on an even keel to help the other. And sometimes that can only be from a distance.

My partner and I didn't last. He was depressed. He ended it not me. To be honest I had no idea about depression, all I know is it nearli broke me. I witnessed 1 major bout. When he was well life was ace. I'm dealing with the fall out now, nesrli 3 years on.Be kind to yourself OP.

If the tables were turned and it was you suffering from anxiety and depression, would you want hour DH to stay and help or leave?

I am, DH has lived with fragile mental health since his teens, and it can be ok for periods while life is on an even keel but is easily knocked.

He always does as much as he can to be an equal partner, and manages his meds as best he can. He's had EMDR.

We've learned how to manage it better over the years, he books odd days of annual leave if he's struggling, his parents are amazing for taking the kids for respite etc, I'm working my hours around being available for the kids.

But it's been extremely difficult in the past, with me having my own breakdown and I'm now on meds, and his overall health is affected by the meds he's on.

Our life is impacted, but we have children with additional needs that impact it too, that's life. If he wasn't trying to do his best I wouldn't be so willing to keep going.

My uncle has suffered from depression all his life (family thing) and I think my aunt is an absolute saint to have put up with him.

I know it's not my personal experience but as a family member looking in.

She has essentially single handedly raised their children and taken a great role in raising/helping with their grandchildren. She is heavily involved in the community both professionally and voluntarily.

He has spent his life in bed/reading the paper. To be fair, he now participates more eg will drive grandchildren places. But she had 4 children under 6(?) plus a dead weight husband and I'd say being with someone who does nothing is far worse than being alone.

I think he's selfish and unaware ANYWAY and his depression has magnified this massively. I wonder has he ever so much as made her a cup of tea.

I honestly wonder what he brings to the marriage and how much easier her life would have been without him . If she had left him I would have applauded her. It would have left her more free for her children, herself, her community. it would have probably positively impacted her childrens' lives too.

There's "in sickness and in health" and there's saving yourself from drowning.

Hi, my example I feel is extreme but wanted to share. My exhusband (so our marriage didn't survive) had poor mental health starting with anxiety and depression. I left him after 5 years and I wish I went earlier.

He did try to get help but would often not follow the advice. He lost his job and couldn't find another which compounded his mental health issues. We could cope in my wage at first. He would do nothing all day and wonder why I was so fed up to come home after 13 hour days to a messy/dirty house - but due to his mental health issues.

Then he started drinking and his behaviour became really nasty. It was all my fault. I
Made him ill. Suicide threats. Eventually becoming physical - pushing and shoving.

At this point I left. I wish I had left about 3 years earlier

It depends how unhappy he was and how unpleasant I was being to him.

My situation right now, unfortunately we have come to the end. Been together for 20 years, have young teen children. Was the life and soul of a party when I met him, a bad boy, the opposite to me. Over time depression took over which we were both unaware of, he literally had a personality change and became antisocial and grumpy.
After covid things spiralled and he had a complete breakdown and was nearly sectioned. He still sees his mental health team at our house every week, it was that serious. He is heavily medicated but even now the slightest thing will set him into a depression again.
I feel like I have almost single handedly raised our 2 children. He has no connection with our son at all. He doesn't come out anywhere with us. We see his family without him. We even go on holiday without him. He is just in the background.
His family and my family are aware. Others around us who don't know comment on his lack of involvement and why doesn't he go out. We've had to tell neighbours he's chronically ill as they were gossiping about why he's off work and why people come to our house every week.
He stopped working 2 years ago, he was the high earner and was still climbing the career ladder. He is still off work now , on disability benefits and has no intention of going back.
I cannot believe this is our life now and I am quite frankly sick of it. We have lived like this for years now and my kids have suffered so much not having an involved dad. The resent in me is now off the scale and I have lot all of my feelings for him. I feel sorry for him but he's not the same person anymore and our family is suffering so much because of him so that is the end for us now. Sorry for long post