That this has unsettled me, TW talking about ‘passing away’

[Love66]

My DD (age 5) has been talking about people ‘passing away’. She said someone at school spoke about pretending that someone had. Now I’m getting concerned as yesterday she said her teddy was poorly and she was looking after it. Next thing she said ‘mummy, my teddy has passed away’ and then she made a ‘grave’ with pillows and put the teddy under the pillows in a blanket and laid some fake flowers on top. Somehow she knows about graveyards and when we pass graveyards in the car she says that it’s people who have passed away so I think there’s where she got the pillow and fake flowers thing from but in general, I just don’t know where she has got all this from and the teddy thing has unsettled me and I don’t know how to approach it? She is only 5

Or is this normal for this sort of age to be more aware of this?

Death is a very hard concept for kids to grasp and they definitely think it through in their heads. I suspect someone at school has had a bereavement in their lives or they’ve seen footage of the tragic case of the children who lost their lives recently and whose funerals have been extensively covered.
For some, it’s a one time conversation they never think of again, for others it’s something they’ll try to work out.
I remember one of mine asking at a very young age what happened when a person died and it floored me, triggered by the death of someone close to their nanny. This is when some families will talk about the after life, some talk about the circle of nature.. I’d avoid euphemisms like going to live in the sky with the stars as frankly that is terrifying to kids who don’t even like the dark.

I think it's fairly normal at that sort of age to become more aware , my son went through a stage of being very upset over the deaths of family members that he has never met .

Sounds to me like she is just finding aware to understand it .

I think they have been playing games at school, and she is continuing to roleplay with her teddy, all of which is perfectly normal. Concept of death is vague at this age, thus her idea of 'passing away'. Some children, possibly in her class, will have already faced bereavement, whether family member or pets, and using play to express this concept is all normal. Don't worry

My daughter would helpfully calculate how close people were to death at this age. My mother’s partner died and we had to have the talk about old people dying being natural. She shared this knowledge with some of her nursery class and when someone’s grandma came to pick up another kid my daughter explained that her grandma would probably die soon. 🙁

I think it’s normal OP. They’re trying to get their head round difficult ideas at this age and play is a big part of that. My 5 year pointed out a cemetery by a church as we were driving past the other day and said ‘that’s where the dead people go under the ground’ - I haven’t ever talked about graves as had no reason to, but he’s picked it up from somewhere, they’re like sponges. His 3 year old sister then asked with concern whether if people walk on the ground they sink underneath and that’s how they become dead…and they both had a long discussion about it all. I try and be matter of fact and answer questions truthfully, obviously in an age appropriate way.

Why wouldn't she know at 5? Our dog died when I was 6 and I was very upset, I definitely knew what death was by that age.

My daughter would helpfully calculate how close people were to death at this age.

That gave me a smile. I remember a friend’s DD greeting her great granny with a cheery “you’re still alive granny” which equally used to make granny laugh quite heartily.

What specifically concerns you?

Death is a fact of life, all kids have to get their heads round it.

theconversation.com/how-young-children-understand-death-and-how-to-talk-to-them-about-it-96134

Other than my personal loathing of euphemisms to explain death, I think it's a positive thing to talk about.

Completely normal behaviour. She's showing curiosity about life and death, and exploring this through her toys. My daughter started talking about death around age 4. These are important conversations to have in an age-appropriate way.

Normal in my experience. At that age my dd said to me "Mummy, when I die, I want to be put in the hole with you". It felt pretty macabre at the time, but it was just her little mind trying to process the concept of separation by death. It actually makes me a bit teary thinking about that conversation with her now (she's 7).

I agree with others. Your DD has likely heard about this at school - possibly another child has had a bereavement.

Don't be freaked out about it otherwise your DD will learn that death is a scary thing, when it's a completely natural thing. Use it like any other learning opportunity and talk to your DD in an age appropriate way about life and death. I also agree you should be gently factual and not say things like "they're in the sky" or "they're looking down on you" in case it unsettles them.

It’s very normal OP. My son did the same at age 5. We talked about it a lot as my mum was ill and it made it easier for him to understand when she did die.

It's really normal. My DS is 6 and speaks about death often.

Perfectly normal
But please, tell her not to use euphemisms for death.
The person/thing has died. It hasn't passed away/passed on/fallen asleep/gone over the rainbow/bought the farm, etc

@ThePrologue do people really have a problem with saying "passed away" now? Or do you mean only when talking to children? I know some people hate "lost their battle with cancer" but I didn't realise saying someone passed away was controversial now as well...

Oh my son has been distraught about death from around 3 when he somehow figured it out. He’s 7 now and even now he’s worried that his dad or I might die so he often asks to sleep with him because he’s convinced we’re going to die at night when we sleep.

I had to collect my dd from preschool because she was distraught about great grandad dying. He had done, 10 years before she was born. No idea what triggered all the emotions that day. It is normal to talk about death. Maybe one of her classmates or friends has had a relative die recently?

Best not to treat it as a taboo subject but discuss openly.

Yes, my grandson at this sort of age confidently and quite cheerfully informed me of who in our family was likely to die first, followed by so-and-so etc depending on what our ages were.😐

I think it's good for children to gradually learn about death conceptually before they are forced to learn about it through the death of a family member.

It's a tricky thing to grasp unless the child directly sees a dead body. Role playing is a normal way of processing thoughts.

Any euphamism is unnecessary, particularly with children. Death is a natural part of their lives (pets, family, on TV, films [bambi!!]), and using phrases such as 'passed/passed away/fallen asleep, etc, don't address the issue, and are confusing for kids (why haven't they woken up is they have just fallen asleep?)
We all need to stop pretending death doesn't happen. And kids respond so much better to being treeated as sentient beings rather than glass ornaments who will break if you say 'died' or 'penis' rather then whatever silly name you use for (deep breath) 'private parts'!!

At DD's primary school this year, a member of the support staff died unexpectedly - perhaps something similar had happened? The school did send out a notice saying when the children would all be told but reassured it would be age appropriate for the year group. They then held a memorial when a bench was placed in the school grounds.

DD was only in reception but we had already had a conversation about death as we'd had to put one of our cats to sleep earlier in the year. I was very careful not to use euphemisms though and to be clear on the facts of the situation. It did seem to freak out some relatives though when DD would just say 'DCat died'.

I don't think euphemisms are helpful for kids - DM used to run a Rainbow group and one girl had announced she was going to be a big sister. A few months passed and they were doing something about families and my mum said to this girl 'you'll be a big sister soon' and she replied 'no, we lost the baby'. DM then overheard another girl asking 'have they looked for the baby?' It's always stuck with me that all the terms we use as adults to talk about these things really aren't helpful to get kids to understand. No shame on the parents at all who were clearly going through a horrendously sad time with a young DD to explain things to.

It sounds very healthy and normal to me. They learn and process information through play. I don't know if you have any pets or anything, but they're usually a child's first experience of death in their lives, if they're lucky. They're going to experience death as a part of life and growing up. I think there's even an episode of Bluey covering it.

Perfectly normal. My daughter started telling me I was going to die soon when she was 3. She spoke about it daily for a few months asking questions like “Will you die before me?” And then telling grandparents they were going to die. It seemed to me that she had heard it somewhere but wasn’t quite sure what death really meant.

like a PP said, euphemisms are really unhelpful and confusing for children. Passed away means nothing and doesn’t explain anything. It’s best just to be honest with children. I gently explained that it means the parts of our body that keep us alive stop working. If I say something like “uncle Dave was very poorly and went to sleep” it would terrify her every time she has a cold.