Brownie sleepover AIBU

[Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie]

Hi all,

My 8 year old/soon to be Year 3 is really excited, she's off to a brownie sleepover at a science museum in November. I'm excited for her, and I'm really pleased that she wants that independence.

She's a fairly sensible kid, but she's also AuDHD, so I do worry for her- maybe something will go wrong and that she wont cope, or that she won't be able to communicate if she gets upset and just panic quietly to herself all night.

The sleepover is about an hour away from where we live, and I'm happy with her leaders, I get a good vibe from them. They're not having parent helpers so I can't volunteer to go, which I think is 100% correct from a safeguarding perspective, and actually she would prefer me not to be there I think.

Would it be absolutely nuts Unreasonable of me to stay in the hotel next door (literally a 4 minute walk across the car park) in case she needs me in the middle of the night?

My husband thinks I am and I should just let her have her independence, I'm just thinking I'd rather pay £100 not do a 2 hour return journey at 3am if she gets wobbly.

Thanks for any replies, head wobbles or otherwise!

(Also, I'd be open to any tips of how to prepare her for the sleepover!)

My manager recently did this with her 11 year old, who was on a school residential. He's got anxiety issues. She was near by, but wasn't needed. So they just had a nice break away.

Just let her go and stay at home. Growing up I’d all about having experiences like this and coping with them. She will be well looked after - let her be.

Do you mean 'that' parent that wants to be there if her child needs her, but isn't going to tell the child so the child has the best possible chance of having a great time??

I'd be fine being 'that' parent.

This.
I really doubt they’d allow you in, even if you wanted them to.

If it makes you feel better then go for it….but she doesn’t need to know about it.

It's not a big museum, it's a small, local science museum.

Dont do this.

Im a beaver leader. There's nothing more disruptive and disturbing to kids than parents appearing in the middle of the night.

You think you are helping but you are not.

If a child is genuinely not coping we will call you and send them home. But that usually happens about 10pm to midnight. Not during the middle of the night.

Because if they do it when they are this age leaders, other kids and even the child in question is more kind and understanding if they are just not ready. Doing it once and succeeding means they are more confident to do it when they are older. The more practice they have the more they enjoy it.

There is nothing cooler than giving the ones who had a wobble a high five and congratulating them on their achievement of being scared and doing it anyway. For the ones who have to leave early, we still congratulate them on the parts they felt ready for, tell them we are proud of them for trying. Some of them are happy to come for the day part, we ask that they bring their overnight stuff incase they want to stay, less disruption than parents turning up with it later when they have changed their mind but no more effort to just take it home when they are picked up. The ones who aren't ready at all get pumped up at the next meeting with a reminder that there is always next time. Nobody fails.

Beavers are more resilient than anyone gives them credit for, but for the ones who come in having their first sleepover half way through Cubs or even Scouts they feel more pressure to "be brave". Not good for anyone. Would much rather they told us they were struggling so we could help.

Honestly Scouts and Guiding are a great way to experience a first residential, because unless your leadership team sucks we care about the kids, we want them to have fun, we want them to feel confident in their abilities, we want to teach them skills they will use over and over and be eager for the next one. First experiences with three different schools and NCS were much less favourable.

Teddy bears are a required item on our kit list for all sections because then nobody feels anxious about bringing them. The ones who don't use them at home often come with some sort of cuddly cushion. My middle one is an Explorer who recently went on a week long camp with a stuffed animal taking up 1/4 of his backpack. Whatever works.

My autistic 7 year old just completed her first overnight camping trip. I was 80% expecting a call to collect her - slept with my phone on loud and keys set out, etc. but no call came, she had a brilliant time, and it feels like her confidence in herself doubled overnight.

an hour isn’t too bad distance wise - if it was 3 or 4 hours I would see more justification for getting a hotel room. I guess on some level it is as much about your comfort as hers, though, and if you would be more comfortable being close and can do it without impacting her experience, then whatever works.

fwiw I did find it helpful for dd to spend a fair bit of time on the in advance prepping her for the experience - talking through in a step by step manner, almost like a story board of what to expect. There were some aspects she was nervous about but we gave her time and space to think these through in advance. There were a couple of aspects she was really excited about and we tried to centre conversations on those bits.

in the end I am so glad we did this despite reservations. For me it was a lesson in encouraging dd to take more risks, which is uncomfortable for both of us.

There is nothing wrong with you doing it if you want to - but if one kid starts saying they want to go home and a parent shows up it’s going to trigger other kids. My view is if your daughter is upset a kindly brownie leader will comfort her and do what they can.

They don’t ‘need’ a sleepover, but they run them because lots of the kids love going on them, and Brownies/Cubs etc is partly about kids getting the opportunity to have adventures and try new things.

Trips aren’t compulsory, so any kids who don’t feel they can cope with it would typically just choose not to go.

It is not just about you and her there is no need ro disturb other children and leaders because you can't let go

No it is not fair to take her and being her back it is not a drop on centre

If she can't cope don't send her

Ugh, what a mean spirited response.

sometimes you don’t know if your child will ‘cope’ until you give it a go. That’s true for all children, nd or not.

My concern with not telling her is what to do when/if this comes out later. You might see it as a vaguely sweet story about how you were worried for her when she was 8 and on a sleepover so stayed in a hotel nearby, but she finds out as a teen or a young adult and might still see it as a lack of faith in her abilities and it gives her a knock just when she is actually taking bigger leaps in independence. And the more people you tell like brownie leaders, family/partner/other kids or friends the more likely it is to come out at some point.

I totally understand the worry - I have an autistic child who is now late teens and remember well sleepovers and school camps being challenging - but lying or hiding the truth sets an unhealthy precedent. If you can get there in an hour, I'd be preparing for a disturbed night and just assuming you'd have to drive to pick her up (and who knows you'll get halfway there and she'll have changed her mind)

This - the kids are exhausted and deep asleep at 2am I promise you

I think it's completely over the top, but I'd have no problem driving in the night time if necessary. And I think the hour's drive/wait time for her would be good to allow her some time to try to manage her emotions, rather than you just swooping in and "rescuing" her. (I say that as someone who has been told by psychologists to stop rescuing my kids all the time and allow them to try and think of and act on solutions themselves first!).

Loads of good advice on here (I'm a Scout Leader) and I would honestly advise you just have another chat with the Leaders first before you do anything else, offer unconditionally your help, and further potential help. You have to be DBS'd by the relevant Association before you can stay overnight with young people, safeguarding etc. the forms take 10 minutes to fill in, and then they can take anything from 36 hours to 3 months to process - it seems a bit random, but ours are normally back within 2-4 weeks (so far in advance of November). Our group is normally delighted to have "all DBSd" comers on camp, and especially if they are going to roll up their sleeves and help all of the young people involved (helping with catering, getting the young people ready for bed, running a game, reassuring some, including your daughter, managing behaviour, sticking to the rules etc.) Once most parent helpers are on camp, even if they have never camped before, they really enjoy the camaraderie (and the work) and they hardly see their own kids who are, in a small way, comforted by the parent being "around". Parents are likewise reassured that their child is gaining independence and having a good time, and in turn, have a nice time themselves. There are pros and cons, but the big pro for leaders is if a child has a "moment" where they need a bit of a helping hand then they can get through it with a bit of parental reassurance, hot water bottle and you will be asleep in half an hour, rather than a pick up request in the middle of the night, which is always grim The downside (and I have been there) is the parent is completely focused on their child only, and cannot understand why, when we are rushing about to feed 40+ kids, we did not know in advance that we could not serve burger buns with sesame seeds on because their child "does not like small objects associated with their food" (no allergies btw, just a preference). Just ask again if you can volunteer, and be prepared to be busy, if there is a charge for leaders (we never charge ours) but it will be so cheap compared to a hotel anyway. Good luck xx

Terrible waste of money and a bit precious. She's an hour away in the car, if you get the call just make your way. What would you do if you did get the call, take her back to the hotel? Tell her you knew she couldn't make it so you were ready? Prep her before she goes, role play what to do if she needs help. Discuss with her she can always come home but it is an hour away.

Because they are fun?

It’s one night, She can cope for an hour if they call you and she has to wait for you. Even if the whole experience is horrendous for her, it’s just one night and it will teach her resilience. She comes home and you congratulate her for coping so well.

I don’t really have an opinion about whether staying in a nearby hotel is a good idea or not - it’s your call, we don’t know your child. What I would remind you of however is that Brownies and Guides will no longer guarantee that this sleepover is single sex. There may well be leaders there who are male, there may well be boys who claim to be girls, and they would be able to share single sex sleeping accommodation with girls as if they were also actual girls, Their policy on this states that parents are not allowed to know if there are any trans leaders or children sharing single sex spaces on camp. This is a massive safeguarding fail and one of the reasons I stopped being a leader.

I seriously considered this when DD went to the Isle of Wight age 10. It was very touch and go whether she would even get on the coach.

I think it isn't unreasonable to discuss with leaders what an extraction plan might look like, and if you do do it not tell your DD in advance.

Her dad seems prepared to do the pick up in the night if needed. Maybe if she needs reassurance a phone call would be enough. You have faith in the leaders. If she's quietly panicking at night and not communicating the leaders won't know to call you anyway. I'd stay away.

It’s fun and they enjoy it.

my dd is going to this event OP and also has adhd. No idea on the Au as yet.

im having a meeting with the leaders this term to provide strategies in case there’s an issue. But they know her and don’t think there will be an issue, so I’m happy.

If there is a strong chance you'll be needed i would.
I had to drive 1.5 hours recently in the night to collect my daughter from a school trip. On reflection I wished I'd stayed nearby, not only would it have been 'easier'. It would also have menst she could have gone back and enjoyed the daytime activities for the rest of the trip and just been collected each night. I had thought about it earlier on when it was going to be a long trip but didn't think about when they reduced the length but around have.