Checking in on 23 year old

[Lacky301]

Okay I'm willing to be told I'm daft here but I'm trying to get a grip on my anxieties.
I always feel the need to check on my 23 year old ds as to where he is if out late or how he's getting home as I worry about him been attacked etc it's crazy I know I also worry about him been in a car accident etc etc was wondering how many of you like this and if you leave your dc of this age to get on with it.

My dad used to check in on me regularly. When I stayed in the house because I was going out I’d see the light switch off when I got in. I think our kids are always are children xxxx

I’m hoping your ds has mates to check if he’s ok and he doesn’t need to rely on mum

Yes he has loads of mates who sometimes drive him around and drop him home etc etc as he isn't driving yet

Hmm I don't do this with my 20 year old. Mind you he doesn't live with me so I'd have no idea on where he was half the time. When he spent a summer working abroad last year some of the time I didn't even know what country he was in.
He's an adult. Although if something did go badly wrong he'd soon be in touch

I too worry, OP, my kids are grown but the anxiety never goes away.

My 23 year old lives with housemates and we speak every day.

If she doesn't video call me, I call her.
When she's on a night out, no matter what time she's home she'll send a msg "home safe".

My 20 year old son is a whole other kettle of fish.... I ask him to text when he arrives safe at his GF house (he forgets) I ask for a wee message to say he's OK as he lands in a new country on holiday (he forgets) but I know by now he forgets and he always tells me "just send me a msg, I'd rather reply than you worrying about me"

So we all know where we stand. I don't see it as controlling, I see it as caring.

If it doesn't bother your son then why let it bother you?

Does he live with you? I think it's perfectly normal and reasonably to check in with anyone who lives with you. Although more along the lines of letting each other know when you expect to be home and dropping a text if that changes, just as you would with a partner.

If he doesn't live with you then probably worth easing back a bit, being too suffocating will only harm your relationship.

If he's living at home, he owes you the common courtesy of letting you know when you can expect him home in a roundabout timeframe, and a quick text if he decides to stay out later. That is absolute basic level courtesy when you live with people who care about you. He doesn't have to tell you where he is or give a running commentary about what he's doing, but he can be polite enough to let you know plans have changed, he's fine, and he'll be later than originally planned.

I would have loved my mum to have been like that. I'd imagine if it bothered him he'd let you know.

My son is the same age but doesn't live with me so I don't really know what he's doing most of the time. I don't particularly worry, only a little bit sometimes if I hear that something has happened near where he lives. In the past there have been times I've felt a bit like you when he didn't come home or I hadn't heard from him but I generally refrained from checking up on him and just worried on my own!

He doesn't seem to mind I normally get a yes mother I'm alive lol

Both my single ‘kids’ (1m, 1f) are in their 40’s. I always expect a message that they have arrived home safely after visiting us. Both are long motorway drives away though.

I thought this was normal !! My eldest are 21 and almost 20 . I would always know when they would be coming home .
Saying that the 21 year old did not get in from work until 5.30am this morning ( vet hospital ) so I am pretty tired today .....

I do it with mine too, 23 too, and he was attacked, thankfully he was ok but it was pretty horrible. We also had an incident where he tried to harm himself so he keeps his location on, he has good friends too but I worry greatly he’s the eldest of my 4 boys surprised I’m not pure grey by now tbh

My kids are 30 and 27.
If they are out, they do message me to say they are home safely.

But, my 30 year olds best friend died 10 years ago on a night out so I'm probably over protective because of that.

This would have driven me mad at that age. Even if mobile phones had been invented then, I doubt if my parents would have "checked in", although I daresay they'd have been worried if I wasn't home roughly when I said I'd be.

My mum took the view that if there'd been an accident or anything dreadful had befallen me, the police would have come and let her know.

I think parents had to be more relaxed about stuff back then: no internet, no mobile phones, if you were out, you were uncontactable unless they knew exactly where you were and had the landline number.

I’m in my 50s. My parents, who are in their very late 80s, like to know I got home safe after a long drive or a night out, made it to hotel abroad etc. I think it’s lovely and certainly don’t mind sending the messages!

I have a 21 year old and since he moved out at 18 we've gotten in to the habit of a 'good morning' and 'good night' text. Occasionally he doesn't but that might be because he went to bed early thinking he'd be up again or phone ran out of juice or whatever, but 9/10 times he checks in. He usually texts in the middle of the day too - just a quick one.

He was in a bad motorcycle accident a couple years ago and he was able to call but I live 70 miles and a ferry away so it was hard, since then I feel better knowing he's home safe in the evenings. He lives alone.
I don't think there's anything wrong with this - he likes touching base too. But I'm not in a constant state of anxiety about him. The only time I get a little anxious is if I haven't heard from him in 24 hours.

It isn’t something I’d have accepted at that age. If your son is fine with it then it’s ok I suppose but I would’ve felt smothered.

How often are you checking? I'm laid back and just ask for a msg to say when they'll be in; if they're coming in, other than that off they go.

No.

I don't do it with my kids and my mother didn't do it with me.

I do have stuff I get anxious about but this isn't one of them

Now my cats have GPS trackers as I really do worry about them and once one went missing for a few hours...

I think I worry more about my children now (all adults) than I did when they were toddlers!
The worries and risks seem so much bigger now.
We've had that awful knock on the door from the police to say they'd been in a car accident and I don't think I'll ever sleep properly again
I try not to let my children know how much I worry about them though as I want them to enjoy life and experience it fully. I feel my anxiety is my problem not theirs to deal with.

Back in the day, before mobile phones, I used to tell my Mum appropriately what time I'd be home and if I was going to be later, ring home from a call box! Otherwise my parents were none the wiser, where I was etc. I think back then parents has no choice to let us get on with it. Now with social media and mobile phones, it's much easier to keep in contact, and parents expect it more from their children. The fact your son replies, even if he is eye rolling you at the time, and let's you know he's OK is good!!! It shows, he's not too bothered. Once he moves out if home, you will have no idea on his plans, so naturally you will step back. I think, no matter how old our children are, we will always worry, even when they're married with kids of their own!!!!

Thank the lord its not just me.
DS is 19 and home form Uni for the Sumner.
Last week he went to the local sports club after a game, which closes at 12am, I went to bed at 11pm, all fine, but I woke up at 4am and saw he wasn't home. I was honestly wondering what time I could start calling round the hospitals.
He turned up at 5am.
Turns out he came home around 11.30 to get changed then was going clubbing in town with some mates.
I think its all the news of random stabbings etc that makes you ultra nervous, my ds is sensible but I still worry what if

I think at 23 you should trust he's ok if you haven't heard otherwise. I was married and living 200 miles from my mum at 24 (I'm only 39 now).

However if my DS is still living with us at 23 I'll probably want to know if he's out with a key so I can lock the doors, that kind of thing.