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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family issues what would you do

27 replies

Parkermumma07 · 28/08/2024 20:03

im after a bit of advice from
people who may have been in similar circumstances or who or just wiser than myself.
recently mother was diagnosed with an illness which although will not end her life will shorten. This coupled with my father who has terminal cancer has led to a lot of stress within the family.
recently my mother had to have a pre arranged operation where she would be in hospital for two days maximum. In this time myself and my sibling took care of our father and his medical needs, he needs regular care and due to the operation being a last minute cancellation we were unable to sort out care for him so both pitched in and cared for him ourself.
my mother returned from hospital after her operation all went well. As soon as she returned she started shouting at my sibling and myself about how we hadn’t done things around the house to the standard she liked for example we had hung washing on the clothes airer rather than putting it in the dryer as it seemed a waste to put the dryer on for two items. This caused her to shout and scream telling us we were useless.

im at my wits end with it all I just want to go No contact with her but would miss my father too much. He isn’t able to facilitate contact himself due to his advanced cancer and only has months left to live. I don’t want to miss out on the last few months of his life simply because of my mothers behaviour.

what would others do in this situation go no contact or ride it out for the next few months?

OP posts:
LuvMyBoyz · 28/08/2024 20:33

This is such a hard situation for you. I’m sorry I have no advice but I hope you find a resolution soon.

GodSavetheJean · 28/08/2024 20:54

I am so sorry you are dealing with us because I had this happen to me recently and it was awful. Sorry for making it about me but I do have some conclusions at the end.
My father is ok but he is 85 and needs reminders about taking his medicine, etc. so when my mother suddenly was hospitalized for several weeks my sisters and I took care of him, taking turns visiting, making him meals, making sure he was taking meds, etc. My mother runs a very tight ship but my Dad is really easy. He looked after himself (washed his dishes, did laundry, etc.) and they have a regular cleaning lady so the house was its normal, organized, tidy clean home. When my mother came home from the hospital, she was HORRID. We are a very close family but she went off on me, my sister, etc about how the house was a mess and how it would take her weeks to get it back in shape.....Blink.....WHAT????? At most there may have been a magazine left out on a table, and a glass left in the sink. I have never yelled at my mother before but it became a really loud and angry confrontation. She was completely unhinged and very nasty. I was (and still slightly am) in SHOCK.
After a few days, we realized that she was completely out of control of the situation that put her in the hospital, and what happened with my Dad while she was hospitalized, so part of this was her control issues. We think she was also rather miffed that all went on well without her. Her identity revolves around keeping a nice home and taking care of my Dad, so when she got home she had to find things to complain about to self-validate that she was still needed. It was a rough first week but she eventually came back to her senses, apologized, and is normal again.
I am not sure if this helps or not OP, but I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, or failed my Dad in any way, and that this was all my mother and her issues.

Gymnopedie · 28/08/2024 21:39

Some years ago there was a study - I read about it in the Guardian but I can't give you any more of a citation than that - that said a lot of/most people who come out of hospital are tetchy for a while. They're readjusting to being at home, wondering if their place has been usurped by others, while they've been out of action they've been worrying about the people still at home, they've been in a situation where they had little control over what happened to them, in a strange environment, and so they want to take back control, know that they are still the part of the family they always were. It resonated because I'd not long come out of hospital myself and although I didn't come close to screaming and shouting it was very unsettling for a few days.

I think the key is what is your mum usually like? If this is totally out of character then give her time and reassurance and she'll come out of it, hopefully with an apology. If this is her usual behaviour just more extreme then you have to think about how much you are prepared to suck up. Can you let it wash over you while your dad is still alive so that you can remain part of his life, and reassess when he's gone?

Devon23 · 31/08/2024 11:51

She probably felt anxious about things not bring dine whilst she was in hospital. She prob needs a more regular break it took x2 of you to care for him. Your mother normally does it aline? Time to step up and help more not sulk off like little spoilt kids!

missing1 · 31/08/2024 12:16

This is an incredibly difficult situation for all concerned but I would like to add this. Your mum is going through an unimaginable upheaval. Her husband of many years is dying and she is having to process all that means to her future, loneliness and deep grief. She is also having to process that she has a condition that is going to shorten her life. Coupled with the fact that admission to hospital is a complete removal of any autonomy she normally has. You are told when to wake up, when to sleep, when to eat, when to drink, all while surrounded by complete strangers and when it is convenient for people to talk to you and explain what is happening. Your mother is processing many things at the moment and the coming months are going to be a minefield of emotions and hurt, I would say you you all need to be kind and more tolerant of each other during this period and let many things wash over you. Don't tarnish the memories of your father's last few months with quarrels over unimportant things, enjoy the time while you can x

Emmz1510 · 31/08/2024 12:18

Devon23 raises a good point (although more bluntly than I would have put it, I don’t think that was necessary) about how much help your mum was getting with your dad before she was hospitalised. She’s not at her best having just come out of hospital and I’m wondering if it’s possible she got something good out of the break from caring for your dad.
I wouldn’t go no contact on the back of this if it was an isolated incident. Give her some space and when things have calmed down have a conversation about care for your dad (and her) moving forward.

Willwetalk · 31/08/2024 16:04

Devon23 · 31/08/2024 11:51

She probably felt anxious about things not bring dine whilst she was in hospital. She prob needs a more regular break it took x2 of you to care for him. Your mother normally does it aline? Time to step up and help more not sulk off like little spoilt kids!

Really?

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 31/08/2024 16:45

I think it's a mix of all of the things already mentioned OP, but most of all, they are you're parents when all is said and done, and your DM is clearly struggling with everything she has to cope with right now, and I for one don't blame her. Why not swallow your pride, tell her you're sorry things weren't as she would have wished when she got home, and then tell her that having done your best to look after your DD while she was in hospital, you've realised how difficult it must be for her, doing it all herself, and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Hopefully this will help take her anger away, and maybe reassert in her mind that she is the hero that she wants to be, looking after your DD, while unwell herself, and just maybe, she might ask for your support, rather than continuing to complain about things you haven't done. The next few months are going to be really difficult for you all, so please don't consider going NC with your DM, she's going to be losing so much already, and you might find that you need her when your DD is gone, so don't burn bridges, when you'd be far better off being tolerant and supportive of each other.

HoppityBun · 31/08/2024 16:50

What is the relationship between you and your mother like usually? How do you envisage the relationship being after your father dies? Commiserations to you for a difficult situation and fwiw I do not think that you’re behaving like a sulky child

jannier · 31/08/2024 16:56

missing1 · 31/08/2024 12:16

This is an incredibly difficult situation for all concerned but I would like to add this. Your mum is going through an unimaginable upheaval. Her husband of many years is dying and she is having to process all that means to her future, loneliness and deep grief. She is also having to process that she has a condition that is going to shorten her life. Coupled with the fact that admission to hospital is a complete removal of any autonomy she normally has. You are told when to wake up, when to sleep, when to eat, when to drink, all while surrounded by complete strangers and when it is convenient for people to talk to you and explain what is happening. Your mother is processing many things at the moment and the coming months are going to be a minefield of emotions and hurt, I would say you you all need to be kind and more tolerant of each other during this period and let many things wash over you. Don't tarnish the memories of your father's last few months with quarrels over unimportant things, enjoy the time while you can x

Well said

Meadowfinch · 31/08/2024 16:56

Devon23 · 31/08/2024 11:51

She probably felt anxious about things not bring dine whilst she was in hospital. She prob needs a more regular break it took x2 of you to care for him. Your mother normally does it aline? Time to step up and help more not sulk off like little spoilt kids!

I don't think you are behaving like spoiled kids but it does sound as though your dm is stressed with looking after your df and could do with some more regular help.

Can you try not to be offended and occasionally offer to take over so she can have a day off - even if she does get tetchy afterwards.

My dm cared for my df and I know it took its toll. After he died it took 6 months for her to get her balance back.

IntrepidCat · 31/08/2024 17:00

I think it’s very hard to appreciate and understand the full burden of being a 24/7 carer for someone and even more so when the person caring has a illness or medical condition of their own and the caring responsibilities are likely to only end at the death of the carer or person being cared for. I’d try to step back and take your emotion out of it, but still maintain contact with both.

Boomer55 · 31/08/2024 17:01

Please bear in mind that anaesthetic can cause short term irrationality - particularly in older people.

It may be that making her so stroppy.

Ozanj · 31/08/2024 17:04

Is this really the first break you gave her with your dad? Omg no wonder the poor woman is so stressed

Bigcat25 · 31/08/2024 17:06

I would not go no contact and punish your dad. Tell your mom you don't appreciate her outbursts. Has she always been like this or is it bc of the stress?

Hatty65 · 31/08/2024 17:09

I'd cut her a bit of slack.

She's had terrible news about her own health at a time when she's caring for her terminally ill husband. I can't imagine life is a barrel of laughs for her at the moment. Maybe show a bit of empathy?

SmudgeButt · 31/08/2024 17:17

Not the situation you deserved of course. But I suspect she was still pumped up full of drugs as well as adrenaline.

My OH has been hospitalised twice in the last 18 months and both times came home and was horrible. He knows he's being horrible and has tried to explain to me why he's reacting like this - a lot of it is paranoia about being so ill and nearly dying, will it happen again? When? Why? And some is just an overreaction to what he knows he's put me through. For what it's worth I've reacted horribly back to him but understand better now what's happened.

Hope things go well for all of you for the next while at least.

LeontineFrance · 31/08/2024 17:38

You just need to sit her down with your sibling and tell her that she is not to disrespect you as you are both doing your best. Tell her that it is her choice that you only come to visit your father or, if she does want you to do household/caring duties she respects your efforts and time. No offence, but have you had her checked for dementia. My mother turned into a monster towards the end but the doctor refused to diagnose her but it was very evident as her behaviour changed dramatically for the worse. Good luck! Do stand your ground firmly and politely. She needs both of you are she is near to losing her life long partner but also make it clear that you will not be disrespected.

Testina · 31/08/2024 17:45

What’s the backstory on your mother’s behaviour?

On your OP alone, she’s recently found out she has a life limiting illness, she had an operation without much time to get her head around that, has a husband who is dying… and you’re cutting her no slack for having something of a meltdown.

What’s she usually like?

Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 31/08/2024 20:09

Devon23 · 31/08/2024 11:51

She probably felt anxious about things not bring dine whilst she was in hospital. She prob needs a more regular break it took x2 of you to care for him. Your mother normally does it aline? Time to step up and help more not sulk off like little spoilt kids!

What a lovely human being you are ! You know nothing about me,

OP posts:
Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 31/08/2024 20:11

Meadowfinch · 31/08/2024 16:56

I don't think you are behaving like spoiled kids but it does sound as though your dm is stressed with looking after your df and could do with some more regular help.

Can you try not to be offended and occasionally offer to take over so she can have a day off - even if she does get tetchy afterwards.

My dm cared for my df and I know it took its toll. After he died it took 6 months for her to get her balance back.

Show quote history

thank you we have devised a rota for assisting with his care.
i have absolutely no issue with helping in fact before this I have had my dad stay with me twice a week for the last 6 months over night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 31/08/2024 20:12

Gymnopedie · 28/08/2024 21:39

Some years ago there was a study - I read about it in the Guardian but I can't give you any more of a citation than that - that said a lot of/most people who come out of hospital are tetchy for a while. They're readjusting to being at home, wondering if their place has been usurped by others, while they've been out of action they've been worrying about the people still at home, they've been in a situation where they had little control over what happened to them, in a strange environment, and so they want to take back control, know that they are still the part of the family they always were. It resonated because I'd not long come out of hospital myself and although I didn't come close to screaming and shouting it was very unsettling for a few days.

I think the key is what is your mum usually like? If this is totally out of character then give her time and reassurance and she'll come out of it, hopefully with an apology. If this is her usual behaviour just more extreme then you have to think about how much you are prepared to suck up. Can you let it wash over you while your dad is still alive so that you can remain part of his life, and reassess when he's gone?

Yes she is usually like this unfortunately
thank you for your helpful comments :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 31/08/2024 20:14

HoppityBun · 31/08/2024 16:50

What is the relationship between you and your mother like usually? How do you envisage the relationship being after your father dies? Commiserations to you for a difficult situation and fwiw I do not think that you’re behaving like a sulky child

Thank you
its always been a difficult relationship to be honest, I don’t think we will have much contact after my father passes unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 31/08/2024 20:14

Ozanj · 31/08/2024 17:04

Is this really the first break you gave her with your dad? Omg no wonder the poor woman is so stressed

I nope I’ve had him stay with me two nights a week for the past six months to give her a break

OP posts:
Original poster
Parkermumma07 · 31/08/2024 20:15

Testina · 31/08/2024 17:45

What’s the backstory on your mother’s behaviour?

On your OP alone, she’s recently found out she has a life limiting illness, she had an operation without much time to get her head around that, has a husband who is dying… and you’re cutting her no slack for having something of a meltdown.

What’s she usually like?

She’s not a nice person at the best of times

OP posts: