To want colleague to take a hint?

[Exhaustedintrovert]

I have a full time demanding and stressful job. If the work isn’t done at the office I have to bring it home. I love my job so I have never minded this but since having DCs (3 under 5) I’ve made sure to be really disciplined during work hours to get everything done so I don’t have to bring it home at the expense of time with my DCs. This has meant that I don’t really socialise a lot with my colleagues during the day anymore. I am friendly and will have a quick chat in the kitchen or over the printer but my focus is getting everything done so I can get home work-free. I will admit I get anxious if I don’t get it all done as I just don’t have the time I used to have before DCs to dedicate to it in the evenings. I am definitely an introvert and prefer to work alone too.

Anyway, this way has worked well for me for a good few years and I feel I’ve got a okay- ish work life balance. Late last year a new colleague started. She is new to the industry so was buddied up with myself and a couple of others so we could show her the ropes. She didn’t really click with the others (unsure exactly why) and gradually stopped going to them and only coming to sit with me/ ask me questions/ advice, etc. At first this was fine but now she has become a permanent fixture at my desk. I get the impression she struggles with her confidence and perhaps doesn’t feel that she has been accepted by our other colleagues (again I don’t know why this is). I did try my best to help her and reassure her at first but I feel I have become an unofficial agony aunt for her.

Every morning she pulls up a chair to my desk and starts talking at me. A lot of it is complaining about things in both her personal and professional life. I try to give her reassurance but she has an answer for everything and constantly talks about the negatives no matter how many solutions or positives I try to suggest. It’s exhausting! She does this on and off throughout the whole day. I am a people pleaser and am not good at being blunt but I have made it obvious that I am busy e.g. I have put headphones in and explicitly told her that I am really busy but she doesn’t take the hint and will say “oh I’ll just sit and do my work here then too” which again drives me mad because I just really need my own space at times to focus properly.

She has walked in when I have been in online meetings and presentations and will just sit opposite me not taking any hints that I want privacy. For the last two weeks I have ended up having to do work at home after DCs in bed because I can’t focus to get it done in work. It’s really starting to get to me, to the point where I am struggling to smile at her when she comes and sits with me because I know it’s going to be at least 40 mins of complaining. Sometimes she’ll come up behind me and read emails over my shoulder and ask about them, she’s been through my personal stuff in my drawers while looking for a pen without asking. She has also made some snide comments about projects I’ve completed and how she thought it could be done better (in a very passive aggressive way). I just feel like I have no privacy or alone time anymore. It’s making me hate my job.

AIBU?

Perfect thing to say. Then work on your boundaries generally, as they seem non-existent at present.

Exactly. Be clear, OP. No ‘hinting’.

When she pulls up a chair: " I'll have to stop you there, Susan. I have no time to chat. You need to use your own desk, thank you." And turn away.
Invading your meeting: definitely switch off sound and vision. Tell her it is not convenient and send you an email.
Reading your emails: immediately minimise them. This one you have to be blunt. "Susan, it's very unprofessional to read other colleagues emails(and comment on them). Stop doing it. If you need something please email me.
Bad mouthing your work : "Susan this project is not in your remit. What do you want?"
She sounds awful

Have the stinkiest food on your desk near where she comes to sit. Something like fish or eggs, or something that will turn her stomach that early in the day.

Bonus points, eat it in front of her with your mouth open.

I suspect your colleagues have been more direct about her behaviour and you haven’t (not sure why). She’s probably taken offence and has attached herself to you because you won’t call her behaviour out, in spite of its negative impact on your time management.

You know what to do?

Ask for her to be buddies up with someone else.

Colleague can’t take hint, so you need to open your mouth.

Surely she no longer needs a buddy at this stage? Use your words, stop being such a doormat and send her away, firmly. I used to have the moan fest colleague thing and one day I told her she either acted on suggestions (not necessarily from me) or I would no longer spend time with her-this was on breaks. She finally did and it was a huge relief!

Aww I definitely get how frustrating this must be! I am introverted but also quite blunt and forceful when stressed, if it got to that stage I'd probably snap!! 😅
I think you need to set clear boundaries as some people just don't have any themselves so will just keep pushing in to your space. She probably thinks you are her close friend, which is flattering but also not suited to your workplace when you have things that really need to get done in those hours.
Have you not got an office manager? Or someone who could discreetly send out an email to say staff must stay at their own desks for I dunno, health and safety or something 🫣.
Or, could you find her a more suitable office friend?

I agree with pp, you need to be blunt.

"Janet, I have something really important to share with you. I need quiet and time on my own to complete my work during working hours. I don't have that right now, so here's what I need. I need you to pester go to the other team members you were assigned to rather than me, I also need to work on my own, that means you not sitting next to me or across from me at any time. Do you understand? Yes, good, glad we are on the same page. Enjoy your time here."

Do you have your own office or is this an open office? If own office cut her off at the pass as soon as she walks in. If open office, take your extra chair away.
Either way, say to her FIRMLY, "Not a good time X, got a deadline and I'm not receiving visitors today".
If she pleads a problem and 'really needs to talk to someone', repeat yourself and direct her to HR or whoever deals with staff issues. Don't back down.
It won't come easy to you, but I promise, it is a 1000% easier than what this she is putting you through at the mo. Stealing time from your family.
In the unlikely event she STILL doesn't take the hint, you'll have to escalate it to her line manager.
Good Luck, you can do this.

Woman Up!
Just tell her, calmly and firmly, to leave you alone so you can do your job properly.

Stop using ‘I’m a people pleaser’ as an excuse to avoid resolving this situation for yourself, your employer and your family.

To circumvent her going yo your manager complaining you are being unsupportive go tell your manager first. Explain impact of her pestering you and tell them you will be informing colleague she has to get on with own work, she’s distracting etc.

Then tell her clearly (and professionally) to fuck off. If she continues with the behaviour go to manager and tell them to manage her.

You need to tell her the mentoring phase is over and she needs to stop interrupting your day because it's now having a negative impact on your work. Be brutal because she doesn't sound like she will take a hint and she will objection handle your boundaries so stand firm. She isn't interested in anything other than taking from you so stop giving. It's pretty clear why the other 'buddies' aren't interested in her. Your home life is now suffering because of someone who isn't even a friend. Stand strong. As a fellow people pleaser I know how hard it is but givers need to set limits because takers never do.

Sounds absolutely draining. These people are like that mood hoovers…. They are the worst so feel your pain.

Maybe create a list of struggles and speak to her manager to ask for advice. Then you will feel empowered to deal with the hoover going forward in a professional manner.

Family comes first and that’s always the right attitude if the hoover is adding work to your home life it needs to be stopped.

Good luck.

Most important bit of info missing…. Who is her line manager?
Honestly there’s too much waffle in your post. I’m not convinced you do know how to do a good job at work.

Just tell her you’re incredibly worried about not getting you’re work done as you’ve had to take unfinished work home for the last two weeks which reduces your family time and negatively effects your work life balance. So you need her to work in her own room but can chat at lunchtime for 20 minutes, so see you 1pm

‘Can’t talk now, need to focus, sorry you can’t stay in here but I’ll see you at lunchtime