To want colleague to take a hint?

[Exhaustedintrovert]

I have a full time demanding and stressful job. If the work isn’t done at the office I have to bring it home. I love my job so I have never minded this but since having DCs (3 under 5) I’ve made sure to be really disciplined during work hours to get everything done so I don’t have to bring it home at the expense of time with my DCs. This has meant that I don’t really socialise a lot with my colleagues during the day anymore. I am friendly and will have a quick chat in the kitchen or over the printer but my focus is getting everything done so I can get home work-free. I will admit I get anxious if I don’t get it all done as I just don’t have the time I used to have before DCs to dedicate to it in the evenings. I am definitely an introvert and prefer to work alone too.

Anyway, this way has worked well for me for a good few years and I feel I’ve got a okay- ish work life balance. Late last year a new colleague started. She is new to the industry so was buddied up with myself and a couple of others so we could show her the ropes. She didn’t really click with the others (unsure exactly why) and gradually stopped going to them and only coming to sit with me/ ask me questions/ advice, etc. At first this was fine but now she has become a permanent fixture at my desk. I get the impression she struggles with her confidence and perhaps doesn’t feel that she has been accepted by our other colleagues (again I don’t know why this is). I did try my best to help her and reassure her at first but I feel I have become an unofficial agony aunt for her.

Every morning she pulls up a chair to my desk and starts talking at me. A lot of it is complaining about things in both her personal and professional life. I try to give her reassurance but she has an answer for everything and constantly talks about the negatives no matter how many solutions or positives I try to suggest. It’s exhausting! She does this on and off throughout the whole day. I am a people pleaser and am not good at being blunt but I have made it obvious that I am busy e.g. I have put headphones in and explicitly told her that I am really busy but she doesn’t take the hint and will say “oh I’ll just sit and do my work here then too” which again drives me mad because I just really need my own space at times to focus properly.

She has walked in when I have been in online meetings and presentations and will just sit opposite me not taking any hints that I want privacy. For the last two weeks I have ended up having to do work at home after DCs in bed because I can’t focus to get it done in work. It’s really starting to get to me, to the point where I am struggling to smile at her when she comes and sits with me because I know it’s going to be at least 40 mins of complaining. Sometimes she’ll come up behind me and read emails over my shoulder and ask about them, she’s been through my personal stuff in my drawers while looking for a pen without asking. She has also made some snide comments about projects I’ve completed and how she thought it could be done better (in a very passive aggressive way). I just feel like I have no privacy or alone time anymore. It’s making me hate my job.

AIBU?

I answered that you are being unreasonable but only because you haven't yet told her to back off! It sounds as though she is utterly impinging upon your personal space, and impeding your ability to do your work. I completely empathise and this would drive me very quickly into a rage! I think you need to tell her, politely but firmly that you need space and quiet to concentrate, and that means she can't be sitting at your desk. I'd also have a word with the manager who buddied you up and explain that she is becoming a drain on your time, and you are providing a disproportionate amount of her support. Good luck!

Does she have her own desk?

First - stop the morning moanfest. When she tries to pull up a chair - say ‘I can’t chat now I am too busy.’ When she says she’ll just work at your desk say ‘That doesn’t work for me - you’re ready to work at your own desk now’

If she comes behind you and tries to read your screen, stand up immediately, face her and ask her what she needs. Whatever it is, redirect her to her line manager or someone else, or back to her desk.

If she comes and sits opposite you during an online meeting that she is not supposed to be at. Mute yourself. Tell her you are in a meeting and she needs to go and sit back at her desk.

Get a lock for your drawers.

You’ll have to do it on repeat for about a week or so.

This is why it doesn’t look as though she has clicked with your other colleagues because they are being firm and not putting up with this stuff.

This is why it doesn’t look as though she has clicked with your other colleagues because they are being firm and not putting up with this stuff.

Exactly. They got shot of her, and she honed in on the weak link, which sadly is you in this scenario.

Also - doesn’t she have enough work to do, that she’s got all this spare time to chat and hover around your desk?

Maybe a quick email to your line manager saying that she doesn’t need you as a buddy anymore and is ready to start doing a full work load.

YABVU for not just using your words and being assertive enough to tell her you need to get on with your work!

"Sorry Sally, I really need to get on with work so that I'm not bringing it home with me."

How difficult is that?

Be honest with her, explain that you need to get your work completed, so you can spend quality time with your young children, once you're home. You're sorry, but you simply don't have the time to chat. If you want, you could suggest catching up over lunch. If the honest approach doesn't work, then you need to speak to her Line Manager. If she's coming to you constantly with work related questions, then ask her to speak to another member of staff, who could help her. You'd expect to be 'buddied up' initially but at some point, she needs to be able to do her job, without being joined at the hip with someone else! I am also going to question why you need to take work home, if you've not finished it during the day? Do other people do this? It suggests to me, that you are overworked, with not enough hours in the day? Are you paid extra for taking work home? Is your Line Manager aware that you need to do this? You should be able to have an occasional chat, and proper breaks during your working day! If you can't, due to your work load, then this needs addressing too!

There's far too much hinting going on here, it's not surprising that this woman is not taking your seriously. Start off by telling her that you are not going to listen to complaints about her personal life: she must sort these out outside of work.

Then tell her that if she has complaints about her work, she must take them to her manager or HR. It is not your job to sort them out and she has been there long enough to find solutions herself.

If you want privacy, don't hint, say so. When she comes into online meetings etc, tell her she's not included in the meeting and must leave. If you're really busy and she won't take the hint and go away, again, stop hinting: how hard can it be to say "Look, when I say I'm really busy, I mean that I need space to work by myself, you must go and do your work somewhere else"?

I voted YABU and here is why. You are a grown up. At work. Stop hinting and tell her. Stop telling yourself a people pleaser, which is usually just code for 'I dont like to feel uncomfortable ever' and start telling yourself you need to get things done so they work for you. Tell her that you have noticed you have to bring more work home, this is not acceptable and so you are going to have to make changes starting with how much time you spend chatting to her (I know this is not quite accurate but close enough). Tell her you will be available at such and such a time for this long - or that she can contact you by email - but that you can no longer have her sit at your desk.

How much of her own work is she doing if she's plonked herself at your desk?.
Op you either need to be blunt or go to her line manager.
You definitely shouldn't be taking work home because of her interruptions and let that be known.

Surely, as a new starter, she has a training plan or guide that new starters follow? You'll shadow Mary this week, then Bob and go through protocols/SOP's, then work with Sanjita whilst you practice XYZ, then in your 4th week we shall see how you go with .....
Is this her 1st job or is she fairly junior? If so, its not her fault she is sitting there like a lost puppy. If she hasn't had any guidance other than 'sit with Exhausted, Tony, Raj or basically whoever you like and follow them around!' I'm not sure what you expect. You put your earplugs in a give vague hints! As an established staff member, I would expect you to support her, OR, speak to her manager to discuss your issues- not block out the new starter with ear plugs!

What have you said to her manager? I assume you have spoken to them by now about what her training plan is and why she is still hovering around you? Does she have her own desk and space? When is she expected to start working on her own or with the support of someone sitting at HER desk?

Kindly OP, do you have any special needs yourself such as autism/ADHD? The terms you used, the length of the OP, your reaction to things, make be wonder if you are undiagnosed?

I agree it's going to be so much worse now as she'll feel your cold shoulder coming out of the blue.

As soon as she goes to sit down I would politely say I don't have time to chat but you can email me any queries or we can meet next week to go through X. If she says it'll just take a minute say OK I'll come to you later when I've got time. I'd give her one chance to get the vibe before then being much stricter and less available in an informal drop in sense.

Can you just advise her that you're changing the structure of your day and won't be available for long periods of time ?

Honestly I can be the same as you so I know it can be hard to be direct but it's actually the only way you can make this work if hints aren't working. I think if you don't plan to do it in a calm way, you will end up blowing your top at her, which I'll make everything worse.

If she comes in in the morning, you can say you have to crack on and would rather do it alone as you've ended up taking a lot of work home.

I’ve had similar before and I think you probably need to just have a chat with her (not in front of everyone else) and say that you really need to focus on your work and tell her it’s having an impact on you not being able to get work done. I get it’s hard though as you don’t want to be rude but equally this isn’t fair… if it doesn’t work then I would raise with your manager. Also don’t resort to working from home a you shouldn’t have to!

have you explained to her that the time spent with her every day means you have to take work home so she is effectively stealing your precious time with your children? you need to be this blatant and spell it out to her. she probably hasn't even considered it.
No wonder noone else tolerates her.

She clearly has no intention of taking the hint. I understand why you want her to, but that's evidently not happening, so your choices are either put up with it or force the issue. Unless you can switch to remote working I suppose.

You could tell her clearly what you have said here.

Or you could arrange a 15 minute slot each day for her to raise any queries or issues. Make it clear this is her slot but it is limited to 15 minutes.

She sounds like she might have undiagnosed ASD or another learning/social need. Her inability to read social cues, invasion of personal space and ‘talking at you’ are quite common features of this behaviour in girls/women in my experience (I’m a teacher).

I understand that it’s really difficult to tell someone to bugger off when you have to work with them and don’t want to cause issues.

I think you need to just be honest with her - making it clear that your workload does not allow you to spend this much time with her during the day and you need to have a clear desk by 5 to allow you to get home to your kids. Don’t make it about her - make it about you. You can’t spend this much time talking during the day because you have a heavy workload and commitments at home so you need to structure your day a certain way. This will mean you don’t have to make it about her behaviour if you’re worried about offending or upsetting her.

I really like @Meadowfinch’s suggestion of allotting her a meeting slot of 15 mins per day where she can come to you with any issues. After 15 minutes you can say I’m really sorry but I’ve got to get back to my work now - if you have any other issues you’ll need to take them to your line manager.

If that doesn’t work as a strategy then I would go to her line manager and ask them to deal with it. It’s affecting your ability to get your work done and if she isn’t coping and needs support then that’s her line manager’s job to sort out, not yours.

Be direct about your workload and ask her to send you specific examples of work she’s having an issue with and you’ll provide feedback at another time. Explain any work you don’t get done has to be done in your own time at home and unscheduled meetings are hindering you keeping up with your own workload.

Put an hour in once a week for professional feedback and keep the meeting focused on what she sent you.

I think you’re going to have to more or less tell her to go away (phrased a bit more diplomatically than that perhaps).

People like this are all or nothing because they don’t understand boundaries so I’d work towards distancing myself from her completely (as your other colleagues have obviously already done)

She’s clearly not as busy as you. Can you offload something into her? She might stop coming round as often 😂

How is she getting HER work done?

Doesn't her line manager notice that she isn't getting on with it?

Put a picture of your kids on your desk to remind you that every minute you spend with this leech means less time with them.

Clearly the others she was buddied up with for the measure of her more quickly.

You need to take a more professional approach and call her out on things such as rummaging through drawers for a pen or reading your emails. Just say ‘what are you doing?’ ‘Don’t read my emails as there maybe some sensitive information’. Say you can’t chat as you need to focus on your projects

Agree with everyone you need to be more blunt. I’ve got someone in my team that loves to chat and tell you about every bit of work they are doing. If I don’t want to engage I don’t make eye contact and just continue working, if they don’t get the hint I’ll say sorry but I’m trying to concentrate or ask them if I need to know about what they are doing.

You also need to sort out the fact she’s only coming to you. Regardless of whether the others like it or not, everyone needs to share the load in supporting this colleague.