To think SAHMs need 'me time' too

[toddlernotime]

I won't go into the details of my personal reasons for asking, but generally if a woman is a SAHM Mon-Fri (I will clarify that that means she herself works on a weekend, around the father), is it unreasonable of her to expect equal parental responsibility when both parents aren't working and thus, an equal/near equal share of 'me time'? Or is taking on the role of primary parent seen to be the easy life that should need minimal break from?

Thats two parents working 7 days... they both need a break!

So yes... she needs a share of ME time

(And a SAHM needs some too... DH used to see Saturday Mornings as his time to have the kids while I did something alone... usually housework but so much easier without toddlers!)

She isn’t actually what I would define as a SAHM though is she as she works weekends so she does need some me time. I would say an actual SAHM who has zero paid employment does as well. Obviously anyone who brings in zero cash could be more at risk of having less say dependant on what their partner is like.

Ah the age old paradox. Parenting is so easy that when you do it, it doesn't count as work but simultaneously so taxing that I can't possibly be expected to do it on my precious time off from work.
Either it is hard work for you both and you both need a break scheduled into your week and some help from your partner, or it isn't work for anyone in which case it's no trouble for the more employed parent to take the kids.

If you can, come up with a routine that gives you both a break. In the early days we were putting one child to bed each. This meant if the other adult wasn't there it felt like hard work. As soon as we made the whole of bedtime a one person job, taking it roughly in turns, we both got a break (or a clean kitchen but then chilled out after kids bedtime).

I work part time and take most responsibility for our house and childcare Of course I need "me time" as well as my parner working full time. My husband would need another wife if this was strange to him.

is it unreasonable of her to expect equal parental responsibility when both parents aren't working and thus, an equal/near equal share of 'me time'?

Who thinks that’s unreasonable??

Both parents should have equal leisure time.

I bet we can guess!

DP "doesn't want to be spending his days off just babysitting".

Putting aside how obviously awful of a comment that is, he regards 50/50 parenting on our simultaneous days off as him not getting his deserved 'me time' because he works a stressful full time job (it's actually more like 60/40 at least because I do all evenings/putting to bed as DC is still breastfed).

Wanted to make sure I'd not missed the memo about some assumption that being a SAHM/primary parent was as I put it, "the easy life" undeserving of a break from before I bring this up with him.

Both parents should have equal downtime - so time not at paid work or looking after children.

If the kids aren't at school they should both take some me time. We use to each get a lay in at weekends by generally spend rest of the day together.

Now I get some free time in week so dh gets Sunday morning and I'll often take kids out Saturday afternoon.

If you leave him he'll probably end up with every other weekend contact and at least he'll be directly parenting his own kids then

In my social group since kids several of us are SAHM or work minimal in my case two days a week term time. We all get me time, we often book things together like spa days or going out but in general get our own time too.

Everyone is entitled to a break!

You might have preferred it in an ideal world but the reality is you need to get back to work because you will be a single parent.
This is a man who doesn’t respect you, and if he doesn’t respect you he can’t truly love you.

That seems harsh to read but it’s the truth. Look at your life, he prioritises his own time and rest above yours day in and day out.

A man who says he doesn’t want to spend his weekend babysitting his own kids?? Gross.

Depends if kids are in school/other childcare mon-fri

She is back at work: she works weekends.

I had similar recently. Tbf when I was working DH had ear marked Saturday afternoon as his time to listen to the football, alone, but then insist Sunday was family time.
I have booked in some me time, for example, going out on Saturday night with ex colleagues, because I realised if I didn't put my foot down and insist I would burn out because being a SAHM is hard.
I stopped asking for me time and just told him I'm doing X on x day. He still gets more down time than me but as long as I have time off to look forward to I don't mind.

I do think a lot of parents are pretty unrealistic about how much "me time" is left when you both work and have kids. By the time you've done other jobs & actually spent time with your kids/partner, I find there's not a great deal of extra time left.

Tell DP that you are parenting your children when he's at work.

And when you're at work he's parenting his children.

When you are both home you are both parenting your children.

It's called parenting.

I think the person at home during the day could pick up a heavier share of the housework - so washing/ironing etc as they work less days.

But if you have children who are home 24/7 and don't nap you are parenting all the time and there needs to be equal amount of independent adult time for both.

I think it's important that time can be away from the home too - especially if one parent is a SAHP. (You're not because you also work).

I know it's said on here a lot but remind him if he doesn't want a partnership you are happy to go it alone without him and his responsibility will be an equal 50/50.

If you work 2 days a week that is not a SAHM, that's working part time.
Of course you both deserve down time.

Everyone needs time to themselves. You aren't unreasonable at all and your 'D' P is a selfish prick!

He should want to spend time with his children - that's the point of having them! 'Babysitting' is not something a parent does - looking after one's own children is called parenting and that's as much his responsibility as yours, since you are both parents. It doesn't matter that he works out the home for longer hours - he is still his children's parent and has responsibility to help care for them and have some input into their lives. He should actively want this and it's a huge problem that he sees it as a waste of time!

But also, he should care enough about you to want to give you what you need. He doesn't. He doesn't respect what you do and he doesn't love you enough to help you and put your needs first sometimes.

You would honestly be better off without him because you wouldn't have the emotional stress.

You are describing him as a partner, not a husband, do please make sure that you don't stop working and put plenty into a pension. If you have a mortgage, are you on the house deeds? Don't sacrifice everything you have for a partner who has no responsibility towards you if you separate.

We personally get a lot more than most; combined we get on average, 12 full days a month off together (both shift workers so our hours are effectively condensed). The other jobs you refer to simply don't get done if I'm not the one to do them in my 'me time' because DP won't do them in his or as he goes, even though they're joint responsibility. And given I currently get little 'me time' and refuse to spend all of what I do get doing said other little jobs, many don't get done.

You both need a break so take turns to do bedtimes. If the kids are young and not yet at school.

Tell him research has shown that being at home with young kids is more stressful than 98% of occupations as your body is in constant fight or flight mode. Unless he is in a combat zone being shot at or fighting fires everyday (even fire fighters usually get quiet days) then he'll need less time off than you

I don't mind doing bedtimes because I view it as fair enough that with DC being breastfed, it falls on me to do. But what I am starting to mind is having to do mornings (so DP can go to the gym), evenings and then allow him time to do his own thing in the afternoon because he doesn't want to utilise his evenings or get up early or whatever to fit his other things in.