To think SAHMs need 'me time' too

[toddlernotime]

I won't go into the details of my personal reasons for asking, but generally if a woman is a SAHM Mon-Fri (I will clarify that that means she herself works on a weekend, around the father), is it unreasonable of her to expect equal parental responsibility when both parents aren't working and thus, an equal/near equal share of 'me time'? Or is taking on the role of primary parent seen to be the easy life that should need minimal break from?

assuming that the SAHM is looking after kids all day Mon-Fri then yes of course. But if the kids are at school then I’d say the other partner should be entitled to a bit more free time on evenings and weekends as the SAHM is getting time to themselves in the week. Even if they do all washing/cooking etc that doesn’t take 6 hours a day 5 days a week.

doesn’t sound like it’s the situation here though as a) mum is still working so not actually a SAHM and b) kids are still young so not at school

Yes or you'll go mental, SAHM isn't like any other job as you are constantly in demand 24/7 with no days off, ever. (Unless your husband does his share, which is extremely rare!)

Who does he think would do these other jobs if he lived on his own? Remind him that you are not his mother! Independent adults have to manage their own homes and chores as well as go to work and look after children!

I think if you do split, then you can't count on him to step up and do his full share - likely you'd be in the position you are in now, just without having to deal with his immature, selfish attitude!

I think your strategy needs to be in securing your own finances - make sure you have money that he can't access and that shared assets are in your name too and not solely in his. You should consider increasing your own work time and sorting childcare so that you aren't dependent on him financially in the future.
You may not want to leave right now but you do need to set things up so that you can, in the future. I doubt he'll improve as a person. Secure yourself and your children.

When I was a SAHM, we always treated it as a job. So whatever hours my husband was commuting or working, I was on SAHM duty. As soon as he got back, anything that was left to do housework-wise and the childcare were all split 50-50. That included night wakings. If anything, my husband sometimes did more childcare than me outside working hours, as he was keen to spend time with our son that he’d missed during the week and didn’t see it as “childcare” per se. We had equal amounts of free time to do whatever we wanted as well.

In your friends case where she's also working as well, everything should be shared 50-50 for sure. Or even she should be doing less if the dad isn't also working weekends.

Agree with all PP that the primary parent needs free/down time just as much as the working parent. Another observation I have is that working parents actually get down time when they’re commuting to work, when they can eat their lunch in peace, when they can have adult conversations without interruption. The stay at home parent never gets a break from their work. Your husband is already getting child-free non working time at least a few hours per day. Also his comment about babysitting is ridiculous and offensive.

This.

Sorry, to add YANBU. Fathers get it easy with SAHM, their life basically stays the same, if anything they now do less as you're doing all the housework. I thought being a SAHM would be easy until I realised how hard it was to have a baby, and not realising the housework would now also increase x10. The dad definitely needs to step up. Think of it as your job too and you'll see you got the unfair deal (but of course we do it because we love our children). Hindsight and experience shows things in a very different light! All the best

“itsgettingweird · Today 07:09
Tell DP that you are parenting your children when he's at work.

And when you're at work he's parenting his children.

When you are both home you are both parenting your children.

It's called parenting.

I think the person at home during the day could pick up a heavier share of the housework - so washing/ironing etc as they work less days.

But if you have children who are home 24/7 and don't nap you are parenting all the time and there needs to be equal amount of independent adult time for both.

I think it's important that time can be away from the home too - especially if one parent is a SAHP. (You're not because you also work).”

This. Your H is being an arsehole. What does he think other working parents do? When they’re home with their DCs, they are parenting.

And as a PP said, when DCs are young, you really don’t get much down time. That just a reality (which so many fathers seem to ignore). Maybe a few hours a week. But that’s it. Obviously that increases as DCs get older and can do more for themselves. And if your DCs are in school, SAHPs get down time during the day but somehow it sounds from your OP like your DCs are not in school yet.

And as many PPs have said: you’re not an SAHM because you work part time. SAHMs have no paid employment.

Your husband is a lazy fuck. I'm sorry. Show him these responses if he doesn't believe you.

Both parents deserve some me time. In your situation, if I understand correctly, your DP works in the week and looks after the children in the weekend and you look after the children in the week and work weekends. Both of you have no downtime but you should, both of you should so as he needs sometime to go to the gym, that’s fine otherwise what’s the point of it all if you can’t do anything for yourselves. You also need sometime to do something for you. With your arrangement, it may be hard but I don’t see why both of you can’t have some morning or evenings based on shift patterns that’s earmarked for each other. However if he feels you deserve no time then he’s wrong

I miss adult conversation and having an actual lunch break (also miss having a wee in peace) but if you have never been a SAHP then I don't think some people get how hard and demanding it is.
Yes I'm lucky to be at home (not by choice though but by circumstances) but they doesn't mean it's not hard work.

I could have written this myself.
I've never yet had an proper answer on how the exact same activity can be considered leisure time for one parent and insufferable toil for the other.
One of life's great mysteries, I think.

You both need a break. I dont know how your set up is, but he can't be working and then kids and nothing else. He needs him time. And you can't be kids and weekend working with no downtime either.

He gets both mornings and evenings when we're both not working, and time in the afternoon. He also gets a couple of hours even when I am working because he'll enlist the help of MIL so he can still go and do his own thing. I get no help when he's working and whatever portion of the afternoon he spares me when he's not. The other day as an example, he had 8am-4pm and then 6pm-bed. I got 4pm-6pm. I might get a couple more hours some days but this is pretty much our standard.