Is this what all play dates are like????

[lavendersol]

I struggle massively socially. I don't enjoy socialising but I try my best to do it for the benefit of my children so they can meet up with friends and go on "playdates".

I have 4 young children ranging in ages 2-11.

We always have a plan of what we will do with my children's friends and their parents beforehand. I like to stick to a plan of about 3/4 hours of being out and then part ways and go home. I don't like inviting children's parents to my house because I feel out of my comfort zone and don't want anyone even family to outstay their welcome as it's my family's safe space - but I find it difficult correctly phrasing a request for them to leave.

A few of the mum friends I've made from school will ask to meet up, change the whole plan, ask us to go back to their house or come back to mine, ask us to go here, there while we are already out together etc and I just can't do it. Why does it have to be this way? And often when I say no, I'm made to feel bad. But I feel bad for my youngest who has a routine and needs a nap, etc. But none of the mums seem to consider this and just expect us to stay out until the late PMs. It baffles me. Admittedly, my children don't listen when I tell them it's time to leave and go home, they want to push like a lot of children - but the mums suggest we stay later/longer and I feel huge pressure to go along with it even when I don't want to. I even make ques to leave such as, "I need to get back to my son", "my DD needs her nap and some rest", etc and these are all brushed off and dismissed totally!

The other week we were out and my 2yo quickly felt quite poorly and had a high fever, she wasn't herself and just wanted to sit on me and not play at all - and the mum suggested we go somewhere else and then back to hers for drinks...

This is probably very much a me problem but why do I fall into traps of playdates that are 8+ hours long? I try my best to set boundaries and it isn't working.

Thanks for reading

I’ve never done a 8 hour play date and nor would I

I can only assume you are amazing company 😂😂

Thanks very much 😂 but I don't think I am, lol! I think it's because I come across as easy going but internally I am a nervous wreck

I'm long past the playdate stage thank God, but I don't remember it being like this. But I don't think I am fun enough for people to want to spend that length of time with me to be honest!

Also I suppose I would just be quite firm and insist on going home when I wanted to - this is probably what you need to work on doing OP - I appreciate it may feel hard for you though. Maybe rehearse in your head a few times what you are going to say. Have a time you need to depart from the playdate and, if you like, a reason (can be invented). Need to take a call, someone coming over, whatever. Mention it in your initial texts to arrange the playdate, and again if there are last minute texts to confirm. Mention it when you meet up, and again about an hour before the playdate ends. And then say it as you leave.

None of this should be necessary - nobody should be pressuring you to stay - but it sounds like the people you are meeting aren't great at respecting your time, but if you do it like this it's crystal clear!

Good luck!

I just thought actually - if you have a partner could you ask them to handle the playdate side of things. And you could take on one of the chores/tasks they do instead, to make it fair? Just another possible way around it.

I'd set your boundaries at the very beginning of the play date.
Locally our soft plays have a time limit of 2 hours so for example, you could say 'I'll meet you at 1pm at soft play but I have to leave at 3 as meeting some family. See you later' or you could do the cinema or something else that has a clearly set time.
If they then try to persuade you to do something else after it finishes, just a simple but firm 'I can't, as I've said I'm seeing family' will be enough.

Maybe set a phone alarm for 15 mins before you want to leave, and when it goes off you've got the excuse to take it out of your pocket and make a joke about herding up your kids because you need to leave, for xyz reason. Looks like it was planned you had to be somewhere that way. Alternatively, you could have a parent phone you and then say you have to head off, but that's a bit more annoying on their part.

Can your car park not be running out?
Could your child not have a scheduled appointment straight after (that they are keen to attend so lead with leaving)?

Apart from with a few very close friends where we do all day things, playdates are 2-3hrs max.

I always make my availability very clear though when booking it in eg “we’re free 10-1 on Saturday”. Then I leave at 1.

Which age children are you talking about? How you handle playdates at 2 and 11 are very different. The changing plans and being flexible wouldn't be an issue in my friendship group, we are quite laid back. I've lived in various parts of the country, with different friend groups and it's been the same in all. I'm sorry but it sounds fairly normal to me. For the sake of your kids have you explored why you find this so tricky?

How on earth do you manage play dates outside the home with four children??? Of course they’ve all got different routines and needs, and there’s only one of you!

People I know with more than two children always host. It’s easier to put the little ones down for a nap, get snacks, distract with toys etc. But you have to be firm: oh hi, welcome, lovely to see you thanks for coming over. Sadie thought Bella might like to play with her Barbie dollhouse, do you want to go upstairs? Just to let you know I’m going to need the house to myself again by 3pm, little one needs x and second one needs y outdoors so if we can wrap up by 2.45 that would be perfect. Would you like a cup of tea? Tell me all about your holiday!

At 2.15, warm the kids they have half an hour left.

At 2.30, start tidying up.

At 2.40, here are shoes and your jacket, do y out have everything? Have fun at granny’s tomorrow, and see you on Monday! Bye!!

These days I think it's becoming way more normal to just be honest with people about your social battery needing a recharge

I do short play dates with start and finish times. Definitely 2 hours max if kids are young and there’s parent socialising as well. 3 - 4 hours for older kids if it’s a drop and go.

Four kids and socially anxious?
How did they all come about then!?!?
Are you really 😉

I absolutely feel your pain op

After various play dates at our house where people have failed to get the message that they need to leave, I now only do meet ups outside of the house. Usually a park, and I say when we will arrive and leave.

I cannot stand people who are late or change the goal posts. Or who try and extend the playdate by saying 'oh, come round to ours' after I've spent the last five hours talking to you. No. No, I've seen enough of you!

Set time limits in your initial arrangements. Also, lunch or dinner time is a natural ending (dinner best) so maybe only do afternoon play dates if you find a lunchtime ending is still over ridden. Be very firm that your little one needs to go home for a nap, giving warnings in advance. Have treats in mind for your DC when they do help to end the play/go home.

At 2.40, here are shoes and your jacket, do y out have everything

^

2.40pm and we're done?

My kind of play date 😂

They are probably being friendly. If you don’t want to spend time with them then don’t - sadly you have to accept that by leaving early you will have to be stern until they understand that you don’t stay long and they will respect that.

People treat you how you let them treat you. I have mum friends who I don’t stay out with for long and I have other mums friends who I am comfortable enough to break a few routine rules for - not many though.

What???!

Perhaps go and read up on Social Anxiety before posting such a ridiculous comment. 🙄

You need to follow through on your boundaries. It sounds from the few examples you have given that at the moment you are saying your needs out loud and not understanding why other people aren’t enforcing your boundary - that’s for you to follow through on and enforce. I too am terrrible at it..!

With your kids who are 6 and above if you have met the parents a few times you need to drop the specific kid and go, then return at a set time to pick them up. By then the parents should be fed up of looking after your kid so should be happy to help you herd them out. (The only issue is you will have to reciprocate so make sure you are only dropping off one kid.)

With your kids younger than 6 meet outside the house in a park or wherever. Then after about 2 hours make excuses why you have to leave. Simply saying the youngest is tired or hungry is enough.

Btw your oldest kid, at 11, is old enough to leave alone in your home for a few hours in the day if they are sensible. They are also old enough to go and see their friends who live locally on their own. You need to start allowing your older ones to sort out their own social diary - obviously check they are doing what they say they are doing.

Hello OP, I hear you! People always say I'm so sociable and friendly but just like you I'm a nervous wreck inside. I am very comfortable around children though (maybe because they are so honest and non judgmental? And fun to be around) so I tend to invite children over to mine but not their parents 😅. I must say that over time my social anxiety has lessened so the adage "fake it 'til you make it" does work to a certain degree. Also, with age I think I care less about what other people might think of me. I know I'm a decent human being who always try to be kind and understanding towards other people so I don't need stangers approbation of who I am. And I've learnt to put limits to what I'm willing to do to help out. If it affects my children or my mental health in a negative way I will say no. You need to be more assertive OP and have boundaries. Make sure to have a ready response when someone is pushing your limits. And why stay out when your child is sick to please another mum? That's insane. Your children are no 1 and you must learn to speak up to protect them because nobody else will. Well, I would have told you to go home immediately if I saw your child wasn't well but if you hang around selfish people you must grow a backbone. I know it's hard but your children need a mum looking out for their interests rather than pleasing other mums.

Just do what you want and stick to your comfort. Don’t get worked up over what over people suggest, they’re prioritising their wants/needs you need to do yours. Ie your poorly 2 year old and someone suggests continuing - nothing wrong with her suggesting you just decline for the reason you’ve written here. Why do you end up out for 8hrs if you don’t want to be? Agree children may be having fun and also want to stay out but you’re the parent you need to enforce it and ask others for help if need be. Ie oh little Jonny would love to stay but we really must go, please don’t encourage him / pretend you’re going to etc. I’ve don’t this numerous times and other parents are happy to help. I’ve never found anyone pushes back or pressuries cause I don’t want to do their suggestions. I think you’re assuming that people expect you to go along with things, I doubt they do.

Also imagine that the other person is also anxious like you and their coping mechanism is that they try to be too nice. I have a good friend who is like this and she ends up hosting extended play dates I can imagine her inviting you to something as she doesn’t know how to end things so invites you back, you go but neither of you actually want it to continue. Madness! Honestly no one knows what you’re thinking, just politely end things lots of people here giving you scripts for it.

I think you are expecting a bit too much of the other mums to be honest. They are not mind readers so expecting them to know when your children might want a nap, that your daughter is feeling unwell or that you don’t actually want to be out past a certain time is unrealistic. They are tuned into the needs of their own children. An invitation to go here or there is just an invitation or suggestion - you can always say no.

Also, if these are friends of your older children they are probably long past the point of naps and toddler routines. It all fades from the mind remarkably quickly! At age eleven there will still be some activities that suit all age groups, but you can’t really expect them to regularly adjust the plans and pace of things to suit much younger children.

Thank you for your replies everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone in how I feel and there are others on here who have the same stance as me on these playdates.

My partner is very much the opposite to me, so if we ever went out together with the kids and their friends, he would get up and say "right, that's it then - we're off" and that would be it. I don't know why I can't be more like that.

The play date where the mum asked to go somewhere else and then back to hers for drinks, I originally planned to take her kids out on my own for 2 hours and then for lunch and was going to ask her to pick up after. She decided to stay with me off her own back and that's how the day unravelled into the evening. I really like this mum as she's relatable and lovely but I can only take so much before my battery is flat and I become overwhelmed.

My partner has advised me to start the dates off with an end time and say I have somewhere to be but my children (eldest 3) have picked up on this and "drop me in it" so to speak, and tell the parents and children that I don't have anywhere to be and I feel bad lying. So that's a bit of a pain.

My eldest is possibly on the spectrum so she says everything she thinks and is very to the point. She doesn't pick up on social ques such as me having enough and wanting to go home.