Is this what all play dates are like????

[lavendersol]

I struggle massively socially. I don't enjoy socialising but I try my best to do it for the benefit of my children so they can meet up with friends and go on "playdates".

I have 4 young children ranging in ages 2-11.

We always have a plan of what we will do with my children's friends and their parents beforehand. I like to stick to a plan of about 3/4 hours of being out and then part ways and go home. I don't like inviting children's parents to my house because I feel out of my comfort zone and don't want anyone even family to outstay their welcome as it's my family's safe space - but I find it difficult correctly phrasing a request for them to leave.

A few of the mum friends I've made from school will ask to meet up, change the whole plan, ask us to go back to their house or come back to mine, ask us to go here, there while we are already out together etc and I just can't do it. Why does it have to be this way? And often when I say no, I'm made to feel bad. But I feel bad for my youngest who has a routine and needs a nap, etc. But none of the mums seem to consider this and just expect us to stay out until the late PMs. It baffles me. Admittedly, my children don't listen when I tell them it's time to leave and go home, they want to push like a lot of children - but the mums suggest we stay later/longer and I feel huge pressure to go along with it even when I don't want to. I even make ques to leave such as, "I need to get back to my son", "my DD needs her nap and some rest", etc and these are all brushed off and dismissed totally!

The other week we were out and my 2yo quickly felt quite poorly and had a high fever, she wasn't herself and just wanted to sit on me and not play at all - and the mum suggested we go somewhere else and then back to hers for drinks...

This is probably very much a me problem but why do I fall into traps of playdates that are 8+ hours long? I try my best to set boundaries and it isn't working.

Thanks for reading

It sounds like this mum wanted company.
You just need to be firmer when agreeing to go to their homes, yes for an hour, type thing.

I never really got the whole school gate mum thing or play dates.

I totally get her wanting some company and I feel happy that she wanted to hang out with me. It's just by the time I got home, I was so mentally exhausted because I'm not used to being out socialising with several children in different places for such a long time. I had said several things gesturing for us to leave and I don't think I could have said it more clearly. But we had a good time, however I can't do this often as it makes me feel seriously burnt out.

I wouldn't call that a 'playdate', but yes, sometimes meeting people so your children can play can be flexible and open-ended, and yes, I've absolutely gone out with DS's friends and parents/gone to the house of one of DS's friends where things have gone on much longer than originally planned, the parents have had drinks and sent out for pizza for the children, and some or all of the children have ended up staying for a sleepover.

If that doesn't suit you, just say so.

But just leave. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you, and that's valid whether you need to get your toddler home for a nap or a meal, or whether you're just peopled out.

I need to start being more upfront and firm, I think. I think my struggles just come from me really struggling socially. I always have done since a young child and always felt like I'm hurting people's feelings by doing what suits me and not them. I really like this mum friend so I would never want to upset her and I guess that's what worries me. But I'm not doing anything wrong by saying I need to leave when it's right for me.

Thank you all for the advice :)

Are you autistic too OP? You sound like my DD after she's spent a day with her friends.

Just be clear when the mum offers an extension "Oh that sounds lovely but we really can't, we must be getting home." "Oh that sounds like a lovely activity thank you for thinking of us but we actually already have commitments that day/evening", if mum offers to come to yours instead "actually that doesn't work for us as we are mid DIY at the moment and the place isn't the safest, but we'll look forward to seeing you next week"

The mum doesn't know why you have to get home, it could be because you have shopping coming, to get the children down, popping out to see family, have a poo on your own toilet so just be firm.

Given your oldest is 11, around here the other parents would see you need to leave for the younger ones and would say ‘oh leave the oldest ones here to play, we’ll drop them back later’.

Failing that though you just have to stick to the younger one’s needs and say ‘ah you guys carry on, we’re going to have to head home for naptime/bedtime/lunchtime’ etc. Having a young one is the perfect excuse to leave!

I always set a time for play dates - we can join from 11-1, would you like to come from 2-4, etc. 3 hours is my max, my kids get too over stimulated after that.

I do get it, in some ways my hardest friendship to manage is my closest because she’ll just stay and chat all afternoon, which on one level is lovely but on another all the kids are getting hyped and I’m getting worn out!

But yes, boundaries, and a bit more emphasis on doing what you need to for you rather than other people!

You need to learn about boundaries and get some assertiveness training.

Get some self help books and stop letting people walk all over you.

Can you not leave the older ones with their friends, and you go home with the younger one(s)?

But why would you be 'upsetting' someone by leaving after a couple of hours of playdate? And even if that were the case, why are their feelings more important than yours? Centre yourself here.

It would only upset irritate me if I had arranged a proper day out with a friend, paid entrance fees etc and then have them turn around and flake on me or cut the day short without a good reason like illness.

A normal run of the mill meet up where we've caught up and the children have played somewhere cheap and local, that a non issue .

Yes, exactly.

You are still getting invited to these play dates, so you can't be offending them that much. Stick with what you are doing, or be clearer upfront to your kids and then other parents that you need to leave at x time, so no wriggle room to play late. You don't need to invent reasons, managing 4 kids is reason enough! It's great that you are ensuring that your kids get their social needs met even though it is draining.

The key is to make motion while you talk. Stand up and pack at the same time as saying you have to make a move. Don't stop moving. And say something vague like you have to get going but don't want to say where in front of the small people.

Or white lie that it's the supermarket or post office and if your daughter says anything later just say mummy made a mistake/daddy already did it/just checked my phone and its not in stock/turns out we already had the item at home/Post office is closed. You don't have to tell them the truth all the time.

Yes, this! Also very useful for nights out when it’s getting towards your bedtime.

If you start packing your bag, getting up and looking around for your coat, then after a few minutes someone will inevitably say: ‘Oh are you off then?’

I also think a useful phrase is: ‘I must run some errands.’

It sounds sufficiently important to require your departure but is not so specific that anyone can challenge you on exactly what you’re doing or where you’re going! Plus children don’t necessarily know what it means so you are safe from them piping up and undermining the plan.

Finally, the all-important: ‘It’s been lovely to see you.’ But you must follow this up with movement otherwise you just end up sitting and talking for longer about how nice it is to see each other!