Dh obsession with gaming?

comfysofty · 2024-08-27T19:39:01+00:00

Ok so I knew he was a gamer when we met but I had thought that after 10 years of marriage and 3 children later he would come off and spend time with the family. He comes home from work and games until about 9:00 then he makes something to eat, usually pizza or toasted sandwiches and will watch tv for half an hour to an hour while eating before bed, he calls this spending time with me. He works Saturday so only has Sunday off and likes to spend it gaming, we do have a few hours out as a family but then he's usually playing a game on his phone while we're out. He plays games on the toilet, watches gaming talk on youtube in bed. The children have a tv in their room because the tv in the lounge is for gaming, I generally go for walks or find something on my phone to do while he games as he's playing on the tv and I don't want to just sit there. I feel like he is married to his games console and I'm his bit on the side who he just meets in bed later.

Winrus · 27/08/2024 20:41

I think the only choice you have is to kick him out or leave. There will be no simple fix to this because he’s clearly a gaming addict.

I don’t know if you can just change the locks to get someone out or if you’re best leaving yourself? I’d get some legal advice. Then, tell him until he sees a therapist and stops gaming it’s over. Maybe give him a year to fix it before divorce?

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/08/2024 20:42

You've really let this continue right through having 3 kids OP? You must be mad! There's no way I'd put up with this, he's clearly taking no part in family life, so why are you still with him? Have you told him that you need him to engage with the family? Does he actually do anything around the house? If not, what use is he to you and your kids? I think you need to ask yourself if you want to continue wasting your life on this man/child!

52stillgothair · 27/08/2024 20:43

Sounds like an addiction. I game a bit, but nothing excessive. It can be like watching TV or reading a book, especially if it’s an RPG style game which is story led.

I think a bit is ok, have you tried talking to him about how it makes you feel. Maybe emphasise that you don’t want to stop his gaming but spend more quality time with him?

Rewis · 27/08/2024 20:44

Have you talked about it? What does he say?

Attheendoftheday86 · 27/08/2024 20:45

This sounds terribly sad and lonely for you. You and your children shouldn't have to put up with it. What an awful example to your children of what to expect in their future husband or in themselves as a father/husband.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 27/08/2024 20:46

We both game (myself and husband) before kids it was a lot of weekends and evenings spent - sometimes together sometimes separately

but now we’ve kids we take turns a few evenings a week and the odd weekend

but only ever after the kids are in bed

how old are your kids and how does he have time to do this?? I’m puzzled

MontagueMoo · 27/08/2024 20:47

None of this sounds good. He works 6 days a week and has a clear addition to gaming. He needs to reduce his hours to reduce stress and need for escapism, and get some therapy to deal with the addiction.

Original poster

comfysofty · 27/08/2024 20:55

We've had chats in the past but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing, occasionally he'll say do you want me to come off this but it's not enthusiastically.
It worries me that he doesn't see any of his friends he plays games with his gaming friends but isn't bothered about real life connections.
Our children aren't into gaming, they are only 2, 6 and 8.
He says it helps him unwind but I disagree, I think he gets very stressed playing games.
It probably doesn't help that I'm not interested in playing so I never join him.
Someone asked if he helps around the house, he does and to be fair he is the soul earner at the moment while the youngest isn't at school yet so I think I feel lonely all day on my own and then invisible in the evening when I've looked forward to seeing him.

OP posts:

CompSc4542 · 27/08/2024 21:08

Why don’t you try playing games with him? You often want him to do things you enjoy, like going out on walks, so why not try something he likes? You might find that you enjoy it too, and it could bring you closer as a couple.

ItsZa · 27/08/2024 21:11

Was he like this when you decided to have kids with him?

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2024 21:20

Maybe you could play some games together but he still needs to engage more with the kids and you- he sounds like a teenager not an adult partner

Skyrainlight · 28/08/2024 11:02

It doesn't sound like he is a husband or a father, he is the paycheque. I would treat him as a roommate who pays the bills and set up my life to spend time with other people who aren't always in a screen. And also start preparing for the future so you can leave at some point if that's what you want.

Fancycheese · 28/08/2024 11:06

This is ridiculous. He needs to get a grip and start to actually engage in the family and parent.

Octopies · 28/08/2024 11:15

I would claim the lounge TV back for the family to sit and watch together, it's sad that the kids have to go to their bedrooms to both sleep and socialise. I'm not sure he'll change if he doesn't have the self awareness to realise it's selfish to be on his phone gaming when he's supposed to be enjoying a day out with his family.

GrazingSheep · 28/08/2024 11:17

What sort of childhood is this for your 3 children??

Icanttakethisanymore · 28/08/2024 11:21

comfysofty · 27/08/2024 20:55

We've had chats in the past but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing, occasionally he'll say do you want me to come off this but it's not enthusiastically.
It worries me that he doesn't see any of his friends he plays games with his gaming friends but isn't bothered about real life connections.
Our children aren't into gaming, they are only 2, 6 and 8.
He says it helps him unwind but I disagree, I think he gets very stressed playing games.
It probably doesn't help that I'm not interested in playing so I never join him.
Someone asked if he helps around the house, he does and to be fair he is the soul earner at the moment while the youngest isn't at school yet so I think I feel lonely all day on my own and then invisible in the evening when I've looked forward to seeing him.

It doesn't matter if it helps him unwind or not! Loads of things would help me unwind after work but I don't do any of them because I am spending time with my children or cooking the dinner (while my OH spends time with the children). I think the worst thing about your OP is the fact that the kids have to sit in their room because he is on the TV in the living room. At an absolute minimum kick him out of the living room and get your family back together (albeit without him).

He needs to accept that he has kids and his hobbies need to take a back seat for a while. Obviously it's not unreasonable for him to do a bit of gaming if that is what he likes but it needs to be reasonable and allow him to be a good Father to his children and husband to you, otherwise there is no point him being there.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/08/2024 11:23

Skyrainlight · 28/08/2024 11:02

It doesn't sound like he is a husband or a father, he is the paycheque. I would treat him as a roommate who pays the bills and set up my life to spend time with other people who aren't always in a screen. And also start preparing for the future so you can leave at some point if that's what you want.

He will wake up one day alone, no real humans coming to visit or spend time with him because he works and then CHOOSES to live the rest of his life online gaming.

It sounds like he has no emotional connections to any of you op, I'm not sure how long you can put up with that and it's incredibly demoralising for children to have a parent like this, everything boils down to

" just let me finish this game. "

AttachmentFTW · 28/08/2024 11:29

He sounds quite addicted OP. My DH is a big PC gamer and always has been but there have to be boundaries around this. We have dinner together at the table (after DC in bed) catch up on our days, then he goes and games for a couple of hours while I watch telly or do whatever and then bed together. He also plays for a few hours on a Sunday with friends and I have have DC. But then he takes them and I go to gym or see friends or whatever. Other PP have suggested you game with him. If you enjoy it go for it, but I've tried it in the past. It's not for me and no point forcing yourself if it's not for you either.

You said he wasn't enthusiastic when he offered to stop for you before. He isn't going to be and looking for that enthusiastic response is unrealistic. Change is hard and will take time but you have to lay out to him what he might lose if he doesn't change. Perhaps the changes can start small, eat together instead of watching telly together as that might feel like more quality time. Less hours gaming on a Sunday. He needs to be more involved in yours and DCs lives. They will not have fond memories of him when they are adults if they only remember being excluded from the living room because his gaming need was more important. Spell it out to him.

CompSc4542 · 28/08/2024 12:00

I'm a gamer dad myself, and my wife used to say I gamed too much—and to be honest, she was probably right. I realised I needed to find a better balance, so I changed the way I approach gaming. Now, I mostly play single-player games that allow me to pause whenever I need to. Sometimes I'll leave a game paused for hours while I step away to spend time with the family, and then I can come back and pick up right where I left off.

You mentioned that your husband plays with online friends, which likely means he’s into games that don’t have a pause option. It might be worth suggesting that he try some different types of games, ones that are more flexible and allow him to enjoy his hobby while still being able to spend quality time with the family.

Original poster

comfysofty · 28/08/2024 13:57

CompSc4542 · 27/08/2024 21:08

Why don’t you try playing games with him? You often want him to do things you enjoy, like going out on walks, so why not try something he likes? You might find that you enjoy it too, and it could bring you closer as a couple.

I think you completely missed the point. OP said she goes out for walks on her own while he games to avoid sitting doing nothing because she can't even watch tv.
How is that often wanting him to do things she wants to do?

OP posts:

Icanttakethisanymore · 28/08/2024 14:05

comfysofty · 28/08/2024 13:57

I think you completely missed the point. OP said she goes out for walks on her own while he games to avoid sitting doing nothing because she can't even watch tv.
How is that often wanting him to do things she wants to do?

Show quote history

I’m confused… aren’t you the OP?

52stillgothair · 28/08/2024 22:56

comfysofty · 28/08/2024 13:57

I think you completely missed the point. OP said she goes out for walks on her own while he games to avoid sitting doing nothing because she can't even watch tv.
How is that often wanting him to do things she wants to do?

Show quote history

Oops did you mean to change your name OP? 🤣🤣🤣

MamaBear4ever · 02/09/2024 08:30

My DH is a gamer but when the kids were little he cut back and would never priorities gaming over his family. Now they are teenagers he has recruited them to playing with him but there are still house rules on when gaming time is and it doesn't stop us doing other things. He has his uninterrupted gaming time at 10pm when I'm happy to go to bed and read in peace. OP your DH has an addiction problem that he isn't willing to control for his family you need to address it with him

bifurCAT · 02/09/2024 08:53

If he was like this before you married, then he's not going to change. This is his vice. Yes, he has family now and 'should' change, but it could also be seen as unfair to ask him to.

username44416 · 02/09/2024 08:57

OP he's been like this for ten years and throughout three children. He's evidently not going to change.