Wwyd? Brother passed ex info on.

[Elsiedarlingputthekettleon]

Posting for other opinions on this, because I'm wondering....aibu?

I have two brothers, for the purpose of this I'll call them Bill and Ted (none of them are 'excellent' in my opinion right now!).

Bill was contacted on social media by a woman who claimed to know Ted, (he's changed his name and she couldn't find him directly), from way back. Bill asked who she was, and she said she was an old friend just reaching out. She didn't go by the name she had gone by previously either. Bill contacted Ted and told him a woman was trying to reach him, and Ted (married), said he didn't know who she was (then looked, and he realised she was an ex, who he admittedly had always had a thing for). Ted told Bill that he wasn't going to contact her. Messages got deleted....unsure why (in case my sis in law saw them?) but both sides wiped their WhatsApp.

Ted then of course contacted the woman with a view to see what she wanted, and in his mind, he was interested. My sis found out (after much lying), and the shit hit the fan. I'm upset for her, and furious Ted is such a dickhead, but aibu to also be annoyed at Bill? What good would it do to pass on a message from a woman, regardless of who she said she was? Wouldn't you say he is married and leave it at that? Ultimately Ted is the asshole, but I'm struggling to know why you would pass this on? Or aibu?

YABU - it's Ted who is the dickhead and has the responsibility towards his wife - don't shoot the messenger
YANBU - Bill is stirring the pot, no need to pass the info on.

Curious to know also if anyone else would pass a message on, if so, why?

Yes I would pass the message on - she might have important information to disclose such as a child no one knew about. It’s not Bills job to decide that his brother shouldn’t receive a message.

I think Bill wasn’t unreasonable, he was put in an awkward position and didn’t appear to know much about their past initially tbf.

Ted however is an attention seeking fool who has absolutely betrayed his relationship, silly man.

Sorry I don't think Ted has really done anything really awful.He was curious.What did ahe want?

A friend passed a message like that on to me. I told her I wasn’t interested.

Ted is the one in the wrong.

Bill not at fault

If an ex contacted ne via my brother, I might well contact the ex to send my best wishes, hope life is treating them well etc. And, wouldn't necessarily feel the need to share that with my DH, or hide it from him

But, if Ted has lied about it, and still holds a torch for his ex, then he's in the wrong

Bill did absolutely nothing wrong.

Ted was entirely in the wrong.

He betrayed my SIL because Ted met up with the woman with a view to having a relationship. He has since admitted he planned on trying to establish something whilst living at home then dump my SIL. As far as I can gather a potential affair was on the cards for her, but she wanted a part time thing and he didn't. Because he wanted to control things he decided not to continue, although they were making future plans for days out. I don't know all of the details but it's what I've gathered so far. My SIL is obviously devastated.

You can't blame Bill for this. He's probably pissed off he was even asked to pass a message on.

Bill hasn’t messed up.

Bill's done nothing at all wrong.

Sorry but his brothers have no loyalty to your SIL. Maybe bill thought ted would be happier without SIL and this new woman would have treated him well. SILs best interests are irrelevant to them. You are focused on the wrong thing.

Bill's done nothing wrong. He passed on information to Ted who is presumably an adult.

Now if he'd given out Ted's number to some 'random from the past', that would be stupid.

But if he simply conveyed a message, & the onus is on Ted to avoid/block contact with an old flame he still fancies. Perfectly obvious that getting in touch is a bloody daft thing for a married man to do.

So I would say Ted is a sleaze &/or idiot, whereas Bill is a neutral party.

Bill is innocent! Sounds like he didn’t know the woman was an ex, and even if he did know it’s not up to him to be Ted’s gatekeeper.

Ted’s a dick and is the only one you should be cross with.

Not Bill's fault. At the point she contacted him, he didn't know who she was or why she needed to contact Ted.

She could have been the mother of a child Ted knew nothing about, or a recent widow of an old school friend, or someone who had discovered she was carrying an STD and needed to contact previous partners.

Ted wasn't at fault either for initially contacting her to see what she wanted

Up to that point, all good.

It's the bit that came after in the drip feed that is where it went wrong. And that is definitely down to Ted

Believe me I'm fuming with Ted and not Bill. It was the deleting of the messages that made me think 🤔 and I was wondering if it was all a bit hmmm. But I'm under no illusion who is to blame here and it's definitely Ted. I was just curious as to whether anyone else thought it a bit off. But obviously not 😀

Bill has done nothing wrong. Ted would have eventually found someone to have an affair with. Ted is a shit, the attention shouldn't be diverted from his arsehole behaviour.

Bill told Ted someone was looking for him.

Bill - it's seems - had no idea of the history and no idea why she wanted contact.

This is all on Ted.

Bill isn’t Ted’s agent or cock blocker. I assume that Ted is a grown man who does not need bodyguards to field his calls?

Be nice to Bill.

This makes it sound like Bill is a pimp.

Bill just passed the message. He could pass 100 messages to me even with more details and guess what? It would end with nothing. Ted is the one to blame .
He acted out on this message.

Bill isn’t unreasonable at all. It could have been innocent eg an ex colleague or someone with an important message like I found your wallet in the supermarket carpark. Can we organise a way to get it back to you?

Did Ted change his name from Dick by any chance?

Bill did nothing wrong.

Ted would have found his own way into trouble if he's that way inclined

Your sister should LTB
It's only a matter of time before he pulls this stunt again with someone else.

This is all on Ted. Bill didn’t even know she was an ex when he passed on the message, and even if he did, it’s not for him to gatekeep.
Ted’s the one who overstepped the mark. Don’t take it out on Bill.