Am I being a bit precious?

[Sad27YearOld]

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and generally he’s extremely kind and loving.
I suffer a lot with anxiety and do worry about a lot of things excessively.

We’ve had a hard few months - some bereavements, financial issues and job difficulties but we’re coming out the other side.

I am somebody who loves romantic gestures and goes out of my way to do these things. DP sometimes does but this doesn’t come naturally to him - he instead shows his love by being kind everyday, listening to me when I’m down, and being affectionate (giving hugs, holding my hand etc).

I have said lots of times that I absolutely love notes. I sometimes leave a little note with his lunch or in his bag. He’s done this a handful of times but not very often at all.
I also love acts of kindness/service so for example when he was super busy I took his car out and got it cleaned.

Now here is where I am worried I’m being precious:

• At a time where he struggled for money, I helped with petrol. Since things have improved he says he’ll get me a tank of petrol. He does say this a lot, but there’s been chances for him to take my car out when I am asleep or something, and he hasn’t. I also went to fill up yesterday and he was in the car, but he said he forgot and ‘it wasn’t on his mind’
• I have a big day at work today (a big presentation) and my work bag was downstairs. I feel he could’ve left a note for this whilst I was asleep and he was leaving for work.

He is very busy and he’s exhausted, he’s up at half 5 and works long hours. I feel I should give him a break but also I don’t know why it’s so hard?!
I said to him I do worry that it’s all talk and that he doesn’t actually want to. He said he does want to. He said that it’s ‘okay for him to forget/for it not to be on his mind at all times’. He also says he forgets all the other things he does to show love

Am I being a bit unreasonable here?

YABVU.

But also, surely if he only starts writing love notes because you've pressured or guilted him into it, then it's all a bit pointless anyway?

I am very unromantic in terms of gestures and would hate to receive love notes, and if I were expected to do it that would piss me off.

The couples I know with the biggest problems and insecurities are also the ones who make the ‘gestures’

You should have said in the car that he owes you a tank of petrol. That is something to keep an eye on. My DD randomly writes my GC notes for her lunch. I think doing it for another adult would be cringey. You seem to want public shows, I'd have a think around why. It isn't him. It's another thing on the to -do list. I agree on the occasional above and beyond, like the car cleaning, for me it's an unexpected brunch out on him. As said though you might not be compatible.

I don’t use social media

Love notes? Don't do them. If notes for dc "don"t forget to brush your teeth love you/mama" counts as one?
Used to when I was 14 though. How old is OP?

With this whole love languages thing, I think the important point is you learn to read his love language. He is telling you he loves you in his way - enjoy and appreciate that. If you can't, find someone else.

We did notes back in the day. After 25 years together DH didn't even get me an anniversary card this year. However I feel more loved than ever, and always a bit in awe that I get to live with this fabulous man.

OP - do you not have any girlfriends in your life? Honestly, if you were my friend and you said all this to me I'd be telling you to get a grip. You're an adult not a 14 year old girl

If the petrol thing is bothering you, say “BF, don’t forget you owe me 50 quid for that petrol”. Expecting him to sneak out in the night and fill up to surprise you is mental. I couldn’t be this tit for tat in a relationship anyway unless I was totally skint and really hard up for 50 quid.
He isn’t gonna leave you love notes. Your expectations are bonkers OP.

He could fill up the tank and throw a little note inside to let you know about it.

You sound unbearable. I couldn't cope with a partner as needy as this. The whole love langauge shite is like nails on a blackboard too. It's like the new trendy thing.

Just argh!

Yeah you are being precious. Fair enough to love this but you can’t expect him to have to do it.

This very much falls under the heading of “different folks, different strokes”. If this is such a dealbreaker for you you need to find someone for whom this is equally important.

there’s been chances for him to take my car out when I am asleep or something, and he hasn’t.

I would think anyone that made a trip just to get petrol is mental and wasteful. Driving to the petrol station just to fuel and drive home again is a waste of time and fuel. Next time you are both in the car remind him that it's his turn to pay.

The total number of times my DH has put a little note in my bag in 30 years? Zero.

I don’t think I know a single woman whose partner does this.

OP, just ask him to fill the car up next time. And enjoy his general kindness.

What would happen if you asked him to go and fill up the car for you? You say that he's a good partner and shows he cares in lots of ways. I think he would do it. The thought wouldn't just pop into his head the way it does with yours.

What if his 'love language' is quietly supporting you the way you say that he does? Do you operate in the same way?

I think if you can understand that you and he are different but both care for each other than that would work - but if you expect to be the conductor of the relationship and set little 'traps' for him (I don't mean that unkindly) instead of asking directly, then he is set up to fail and so will your relationship.

I'm not a romantic person but I'm practical, I would fill up your car, I would make a mental note of that but I wouldn't write you a note - and nor would I appreciate one. I would still care but in a different way.

To use your phrase yes you are absolutely being precious. Your love language is different to his love language. Don't expect him to change. Appreciate the things he does that make you feel loved. If its not enough end the relationship.

Wow, you sound like hard work. If I was you I would let him be himself and love me in the way he does instead of insisting on notes and immature gestures that you see as romantic. It sounds like you are a 16 year old girl. For someone to have to fake a romantic love for you seems ridiculous, real love is real. I wouldn't put up with your demands on writing notes, I would need to be with someone who loved me for who I am.

You've said yourself he gets up at 5.30am and works long hours - you need to cut him some slack. He shows his love in a different way to you - it doesn't mean his way is wrong. If you like the notes, then it's up to you to keep writing them, but you can't expect him to write them if it doesn't come naturally to him. If you can't accept that his love language is different to yours, then maybe he's not the guy for you, but you can't expect him to change his love language.

Give the man a break OP!

He's up at the crack of bloody dawn and works hard. He's kind and generous and probably very loyal
and you want " notes" So immature OP, grow up! If you want to say something or a task to be done, use the power of speech!

YABVU.

Poor bloke is up at 5:30am every day. And presumably has had his own share of the bereavements/financial troubles to worry about. Leaving you random notes is clearly (and not unreasonably) not very high on his priority list. He's concentrating on keeping his job and keeping his life ticking over.

Everyone has their own love language, and love notes clearly isn't his. Yet you say he's a lovely partner and a kind man. Personally, I'd say you're being way too intense/precious, and concentrate on the lovely man you already have.

You should look at why you feel as though you need what you need to feel loved and valued. What is really driving it? Because I feel like this is very high maintenance by anyone's standards and you will likely always feel disappointed. And by your description, that says more about you than it does him.