Am I being a bit precious?

[Sad27YearOld]

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and generally he’s extremely kind and loving.
I suffer a lot with anxiety and do worry about a lot of things excessively.

We’ve had a hard few months - some bereavements, financial issues and job difficulties but we’re coming out the other side.

I am somebody who loves romantic gestures and goes out of my way to do these things. DP sometimes does but this doesn’t come naturally to him - he instead shows his love by being kind everyday, listening to me when I’m down, and being affectionate (giving hugs, holding my hand etc).

I have said lots of times that I absolutely love notes. I sometimes leave a little note with his lunch or in his bag. He’s done this a handful of times but not very often at all.
I also love acts of kindness/service so for example when he was super busy I took his car out and got it cleaned.

Now here is where I am worried I’m being precious:

• At a time where he struggled for money, I helped with petrol. Since things have improved he says he’ll get me a tank of petrol. He does say this a lot, but there’s been chances for him to take my car out when I am asleep or something, and he hasn’t. I also went to fill up yesterday and he was in the car, but he said he forgot and ‘it wasn’t on his mind’
• I have a big day at work today (a big presentation) and my work bag was downstairs. I feel he could’ve left a note for this whilst I was asleep and he was leaving for work.

He is very busy and he’s exhausted, he’s up at half 5 and works long hours. I feel I should give him a break but also I don’t know why it’s so hard?!
I said to him I do worry that it’s all talk and that he doesn’t actually want to. He said he does want to. He said that it’s ‘okay for him to forget/for it not to be on his mind at all times’. He also says he forgets all the other things he does to show love

Am I being a bit unreasonable here?

Well when he next says "I'll get you petrol" chuck him your car keys and say "thanks love".

I also dislike people saying stuff over and over that they don't do. Call him out on it.

It sounds like your ideal of love/romance is very different to his. You say he is extremely kind and loving - but you want more. Are you compatible?

Oh don’t I always write love notes for my partner!!

reminder: I’m on an evening shift.
feed the dogs
and the kid.
there’s wet laundry that needs hanging.
buy bread because I can’t be fucked doing that at 7am before school.
make sure there’s no dishes.

Love, me xx
p.s wake me up in the morning to request socks/pants/sausage roll money and I will bury you in the yard xx

You want him to be another version of you, he's not, he's a person in his own right. You are so intense I'm not surprised he's exhausted. Either you like him for him or you want to change him into something else - and so don't.

You want performative romance. That’s not him. So you either accept him for who he is, or you move on to someone who thinks that little notes are romantic and that they are how you prove your love.

It is far better to have a good man who treats you well, than it is to have someone who makes grand gestures but wouldn’t be seen for dust if you were having a bad day and just wanted a cuddle and to offload. You sound like you have a lovely partner. You also sound a little bit immature and unappreciative. In his position, I’d be thinking that you were a bit of a pain in the arse with your requests for written proof of love.

That Love Languages twit has a lot to answer for.

OP, you do realise that the Love Languages was made up by an evangelical Christian in the US, basically to try to persuade incompatible couples not to get divorced.

If he needs to chip in for petrol, just bloody tell him to fill the car up next time he's out.

Rom coms are not real life.

This is like my in laws with gifts . They tell everyone what they want for everything . And you have no choice but to get it otherwise they get moody with everyone.
You can't just spontaneously think of a gift or plan somthing . Because it's already been drilled into you what to do and when . And it's done out of guilt and trying to keep the peace .
You can't or atleast shouldn't force these things .
He sounds busy and well lots of people don't think about things like notes in lunch boxes .
Unless making a video for social media .
It doesn't mean he doesn't love or think about you . He just shows it differently to you

Are you getting help for your anxiety?

If you help someone out when they're having difficulties (the petrol thing), you shouldn't expect them to reimburse you when things improve (even though I appreciate he said he would). That cancels out the gesture in my book!

You sound very high maintenance. He should run for the hills.

I recall an interview with the actress Jane Seymour decades ago. She talked about leaving little notes around the place for her "then" DH. She's been married 4 times! That's an issue with hopeless romantics, it's all about the romantic gestures and they often can't sustain relationships because life isn't a Mills and Boon paperback.

The petrol thing though, he needs to pay you back, but it sounds like he's conveniently avoiding doing so.

If you're wanting him to be someone he's not, I suggest you end it and find a man who will leave you notes.

Sorry, but the note thing is just bonkers. You're not living in a rom-com.

The notes thing is a bit silly (sorry, not being harsh here I promise) - it's nice to do if you enjoy doing it but to expect it back is silly. It's not who he is.

The tank of petrol...next time you need it filled I would just say to him, please could you fill up the car. If he protests then that is an issue, since he's said that he would.

You've said your boyfriend is kind and loving, but struggles with romantic gestures.

So why are you expecting lots of romantic gestures?

Having to write little love notes to my partner would be completely crippling for me. I'd have to agonise for about an hour trying to think of something to say, when I thought of something it'd be shit, and then I'd be cringing inside all day thinking about DP finding it.

So I'd never do something like that. Instead I'll give a her a hug and a kiss on her forehead, or I'll pump up her tires and check her oil if I know she's got a lot of driving in work next week., or I'd notice that they're making Practical Magic 2, and remember that DP mentioned once years ago that she loved the first one, so remember to let her know.

We all show that we care in our own way. Not all of us are capable of smushy little notes, or grand gestures. Think about how your boyfriend shows he cares, and learn to appreciate those moments, rather than getting worked up about the moments you feel aren't happening.

And just say "Oi, you owe me a tank of petrol" next time you pull in to the petrol station. There's nothing romantic about getting petrol, just use your words.

For some people writing notes is cringe and it doesn’t come naturally and so they don’t want to. Everyone is different and expecting him to change is not very fair, he sounds like a decent guy

Everything else aside... is he generally all talk?

I know people who say a lot of lovely things and make wonderful promises but never actually follow through and it leads to so much disappointment.

Liking notes and sweet gestures is perfectly fine. Love languages can be tricky when you aren't compatible and part of being in a relationship is learning what your partner needs and making compromises even if you don't personally want the same things.

My love language is acts of service and my husband's is touch. I am not a touchy person, but I make an effort as it means a lot to him.

Also the person who first spoke about love languages is problematic, but love languages do exist.

We all show and receive love differently and that is a fact.

A hug does absolutely nothing for me, but him emptying the dishwasher makes me feel cared about.

Does he write nice things in your birthday and anniversary cards? Mine writes 'Have a nice day' in my Valentines! But he loves me, as your DP does you. I think YABU expecting him to take your car out specifically to get petrol. Let it go, and focus on the good stuff. I've been trying to get my DH to do certain stuff for donkeys years but his small brain is trying to solve the climate crisis or play Rachmaninov - he hadn't got room in there to remember not to leave his wet towel scrunched up.

Jeezo

Men need things spelt out: if you want him to buy you petrol, you’re best off just asking.

I’m not a romantic gestures person: if he treats you well day to day that is worth so much more than the occasional forced love note - and so much more romantic. I think true romance is in going through the daily grind together and still having things to talk about, still finding each other interesting and having a laugh together. For me, that’s true love. Not the showy stuff.

I’m not you. It may that this guy is getting loads of stuff wrong and the failure to provide love notes is the least of it. But nobody’s perfect. If he treats you well day to day; if you enjoy each other’s company, you can talk about things (including asking him to buy you petrol) and you feel safe and secure with him - well: isn’t that enough boxes ticked?

I would prefer someone who is kind and respectful over someone who makes gestures. Honestly, to me leaving notes in bags and lunch boxes is a little cringe and showy.

If he comes across as tight with money regularly, that’s an issue but if it’s a once off kind of thing - next time you need fuel in car, just ask him to take care of it.

Why didn't you just ask him to pay when you were both there and you filled up with petrol @Sad27YearOld?

This, you're living in a fantasy world op

The petrol thing would annoy me too, if you offered you definitely remember to do it. If you owe someone money or ' feel' like you should for fairness , I always pay ASAP. Couldn't bear it otherwise .

Yes you are, people show love and affection in different ways. Maybe he doesn't appreciate the notes and stuff you do and secretly wishes you'd do other things.

If he tells you things in person, why do you need it written on a note as well?! Long term relationships are about accepting one another as we are, I feel for your partner he sounds really supportive and probably doesn't want to makeva Rod for his back by starting down a path he knows isn't him.and he won't be able to keep.up with

He doesn’t view notes the same way as you so it’s unlikely for it to pop into his head to get up early to leave one for you. You can keep asking him to but do you want a note that’s been left under duress? Maybe have a think about other gestures that would mean a lot to you like personal notes in birthday cards or having your dinner made - stuff that he is more likely to think of and do!

Perhaps look at what is causing the anxiety as well. You say he is there for you and also tells you this - why are you struggling to believe him? Why do you think a note will change this? Good luck!

It's not clear from the OP whether the problem with the petrol is the money, or the method of refill.

It doesn't seem to be about chipping in, but about sneaking the car out in the middle of the night, while OP sleeps, so that she can wake up to the magic of a full tank.

I blame the commercialisation of Christmas.