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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents from partners side don't bother

29 replies

insomniac1994 · 27/08/2024 08:38

I have a little baby girl who is nearly 8 months old. During my pregnancy, my fiances Mum and her partner were travelling around the country caravanning but then moved back to our local area (30 mins away) so they could be on hand if we needed anything. They were amazing during pregnancy and did help us a lot. Towards the end I did have a little falling out with my mother in law because I felt she was being a little too much and even said she was worried I wasn't ready for a baby which really hurt. She didn't like my honesty and I feel like it hasn't been the same since.

Also, during pregnancy my MIL and her partner said they would be on hand to help look after my baby when I go back to work. They then left it for months and then decided to tell me they couldn't do it now because of their work commitments (they own their own business). It really left me in the lurch and I was upset at them for it. My fiances Mum then just said I needed to get myself together and was heavily gaslighting me.

Now to help out she gives me little things I can do to work at home for the last few weeks of maternity so I have a little extra money and she said she'd pay for my little girls nursery fees for the first term until her 15 hours come in and then we can pay her back.

However, throughout all of this I just have this feeling she just doesn't like me. She says she wants a relationship but never asks how we are doing, never asks how her son is and doesn't even ask about my little girl. She has helped out money wise, but she never really spends any quality time with us. Now I know relationships are made from the effort of both parties, and we have invited them to things or do things but they always say no. I didn't really think about it, but then my partner is feeling like his Mum is going cold on him and it's making him feel down.

Throughout childhood, she walked out on him and has been in and out of his life. We thought her being a grandmother would change things but it hasn't. And I grew up with a lot of family members never bothering with me, It didn't affect me, but I don't want the same for my little girl.

I don't know whether to say anything to them or just leave it. At the end of the day my baby girl has a loving Mum and Dad, and my side of the family see her so often, and they live AN HOUR AND HALF AWAY! A part of me wants to tell my fiances mother that my little girl won't be little for long and she's gonna miss out, but then I also think if she'd make the effort she would.

I'm just wondering if anyone else had the same experience or advice?

OP posts:
Mrgrinlingscat · 27/08/2024 08:47

Hi @insomniac1994 your post reads like your MIL was close to you when you were pregnant but pulled back when you fell out with her. Perhaps she’s changed her mind on the childcare due to the falling out before baby was born as your relationship is rocky. Sounds like she wants to help by covering childcare costs for the first term.
I think both sides need to go slowly in this relationship to rebuild it. She wasn’t always a present mother so may find it difficult to be a grandparent and needs to grow into the role with your guidance?

Furrydogmum · 27/08/2024 08:49

I think as your MIL was not a present mother, she probably won't be a present grandmother.. Time to look at childcare options I'm afraid.

FuckThePoPo · 27/08/2024 08:52

We need to know what the argument was about

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2024 08:52

It doesn't sound like she's a very reliable or consistent presence in your child's life so scale it back, find alternative childcare, accept the person she's showing you she is because that's the reality- any comms go through your fiance.

Muffin101 · 27/08/2024 08:54

You say she didn’t like your honesty but it sounds like you didn’t like hers either. It is unsurprising, I think, that after a bust up that a relationship changes, but it certainly doesn’t sound like they’re completely not interested from what you’ve said. You’ve mentioned several ways in which she chooses to help you and your family, and altho she let you down re childcare, it’s better she said it before it started rather than mucking you around further down the line. She wasn’t a present mother so expecting a complete change now is, I fear, unrealistic.

Ozanj · 27/08/2024 08:56

If you fell out with her over the baby than it’s understandable she doesn’t want to help you.

crockofshite · 27/08/2024 09:00

Your mother in law is a flake.

Don't rely on her for anything, that way you can't be disappointed when she lets you down.

Organise your own childcare and work and don't get any more involved with her than you need to, ie grandchild visits/ social stuff that won't really matter if it falls through.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 27/08/2024 09:01

YABU to expect them to offer childcare given you fell out with her and strained the relationship. It would have been better to just thank her for her advice then ignore it rather than being honest (which no doubt came across as rude).

Sounds like they help in other ways, particularly financially.

GrazingSheep · 27/08/2024 09:03

Are you happy to take her money?

Zanatdy · 27/08/2024 09:08

It sounds like the falling out has strained things and now she doesn’t want to help you out. I can see her view point but it is upsetting. Still kind of her to offer to loan money but she has left you in a difficult place by not telling you she couldn’t care for her grandchild anymore. That’s unfair

NoJamSlags · 27/08/2024 09:13

@insomniac1994 I would bet money that your falling out with your MIL had something to do with you expressing doubts in your ability to be a good mother during your pregnancy. On some level this would have resonated deeply with your MIL who you said was absent for parts her own son’s childhood. It is very difficult to tolerate your own failings when they are reflected back to you in the actions of others. She is now reacting in the only way she knows how, which is to protect herself by running (as she has done previously).

Other posters have nailed it by calling her a “flake”, doesn’t make her a bad person, it just makes her unreliable. It is unreasonable of you to rely on her for childcare or financial support when she has shown you time and time again that she can’t be relied on. Limit your interactions with her to social settings only, where her flakiness will not impact your ability to work or affect your financial standing as a family.

Maray1967 · 27/08/2024 09:21

She walked out on her own child. I think it’s unrealistic to expect that she’ll be a reliable grandparent.

I’d let your DP deal with his side of the family now, and be ready to pay for childcare if the money doesn’t arrive. You can’t expect childcare from grandparents- we had none.

It sounds as though you’ve tried hard to involve her - but there are issues involved - and it’s going to be tricky. Focus on your DC and your side of the family and get DP to step up and deal with his.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/08/2024 09:26

Let her go, OP. She’s just repeating her pattern with her son, blowing hot and cold, changing her mind, disregarding ( maybe regretting) promises.

Be polite, but expect nothing. Your DP can be part of your family, I hope, and can build his own with you.

Eviebeans · 27/08/2024 09:26

Sometimes people who have not been good parents can then go on to become great grandparents.
They have a great sense of love for the child with none of the responsibility that made them a not so good parent and so it can work really well
there are pluses and minuses to this - the grandparent role can give them the chance to think about how they were as parents and to do things differently- it can make them over keen and over the top.
It sounds as if you both might have been overly sensitive and could give each other another chance - it’s a learning process for everyone

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/08/2024 09:29

You said throughout your partners life she walked out on him and was then in and out of his life. I think it's unrealistic to expect that someone who couldn't/ wouldn't be there for their own child, would be there for someone else's. I think trying to get her to do anything else will be wasting your time and energy. I'd work on trying to accept the involvement that they do have, rather than focusing on trying to change it.

BloodyAdultDC · 27/08/2024 09:38

My in-laws lived 5 streets away when my DC were little, but the kids saw more of my parents who live 4 hours away.

I was bitterly disappointed that they didn't put any effort into spending time with the dc, or offering any support to us. Over time I just had to accept that I was on my own with the dc (exh was useless too) and sadly their relationship with the almost adult DC is next to nothing.

If they were absent when your dp/h was little, they are unlikely to want to play the doting reliable grandparent role now, sorry

2chocolateoranges · 27/08/2024 09:42

You said she wasn’t very involved as a mum, take this as a sign of what kind of grandparent she is going to be.

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2024 09:46

What were you expecting given she walked out on her ds? Sounds like you aren’t really close so yes, look at alternative childcare.

Original poster
insomniac1994 · 27/08/2024 12:18

FuckThePoPo · 27/08/2024 08:52

We need to know what the argument was about

She was getting quite overbearing in telling me what to do during pregnancy. I said I appreciated her help but she needed to slow it down because it was getting overwhelming. She threw it back in my face I was ungrateful and wouldn't listen to me and said I threw it all back in her face. Said she thinks I'm not ready for a baby and then walked out. We have made up since then but it hasn't been the same. I try and ask her to do things but she always says no. She doesn't even see our baby now. I understand if she doesn't like me but not seeing our baby isn't fair. She doesn't even speak to my fiance and he's her son.

OP posts:
Original poster
insomniac1994 · 27/08/2024 13:15

I didn't expect them to give me childcare. They offered it. And I wasn't unreasonable telling her how I felt. When you're getting told how you should do things when pregnant and not being able to share what I wanted to do it was overwhelming. I kindly told her I appreciate her help but I need to make my own decisions too. She didn't like that, said I'm not ready to have a baby and then left.

OP posts:
beanii · 31/08/2024 00:09

You should never put the grandparents in a position of having to do childcare.

Your children - your responsibility.

HeddaGarbled · 31/08/2024 00:24

I think you should be grateful for what you are being given, which sounds like a helpful financial contribution to your lives.

Do not under any circumstances “say anything” as your previous go at that has clearly been a spectacular success (not).

OK, it’s not ideal, but you having a pop isn’t going to improve things, is it? Zip your lips and accept this is how it is.

GinLover198 · 31/08/2024 08:22

I would be exploring other childcare options & wouldn’t be accepting the childcare fees from MiL.

fuffymeloncauli · 31/08/2024 08:27

We thought her being a grandmother would change things but it hasn't leopards don't change their spots

Octavia64 · 31/08/2024 08:34

Hmmm.

She was an unreliable mother.

She has helped you out, during the pregnancy and by offering loans.

You and her had a fairly major falling out and since then she's cooled it off (which sounds reasonable to be honest).

In your shoes I would appreciate the help financial or otherwise but always have back up plans as you can't rely on her.

Given the falling out she may well feel that (and I'm not saying this is true, just might be how she feels) that she is helping you out and if the repayment she gets is rows then she'll back off.

Maybe stop inviting her places? Cool it off for a bit, give it time and then try to rebuild slowly (if that is what you want).