Grandparents from partners side don't bother

[insomniac1994]

I have a little baby girl who is nearly 8 months old. During my pregnancy, my fiances Mum and her partner were travelling around the country caravanning but then moved back to our local area (30 mins away) so they could be on hand if we needed anything. They were amazing during pregnancy and did help us a lot. Towards the end I did have a little falling out with my mother in law because I felt she was being a little too much and even said she was worried I wasn't ready for a baby which really hurt. She didn't like my honesty and I feel like it hasn't been the same since.

Also, during pregnancy my MIL and her partner said they would be on hand to help look after my baby when I go back to work. They then left it for months and then decided to tell me they couldn't do it now because of their work commitments (they own their own business). It really left me in the lurch and I was upset at them for it. My fiances Mum then just said I needed to get myself together and was heavily gaslighting me.

Now to help out she gives me little things I can do to work at home for the last few weeks of maternity so I have a little extra money and she said she'd pay for my little girls nursery fees for the first term until her 15 hours come in and then we can pay her back.

However, throughout all of this I just have this feeling she just doesn't like me. She says she wants a relationship but never asks how we are doing, never asks how her son is and doesn't even ask about my little girl. She has helped out money wise, but she never really spends any quality time with us. Now I know relationships are made from the effort of both parties, and we have invited them to things or do things but they always say no. I didn't really think about it, but then my partner is feeling like his Mum is going cold on him and it's making him feel down.

Throughout childhood, she walked out on him and has been in and out of his life. We thought her being a grandmother would change things but it hasn't. And I grew up with a lot of family members never bothering with me, It didn't affect me, but I don't want the same for my little girl.

I don't know whether to say anything to them or just leave it. At the end of the day my baby girl has a loving Mum and Dad, and my side of the family see her so often, and they live AN HOUR AND HALF AWAY! A part of me wants to tell my fiances mother that my little girl won't be little for long and she's gonna miss out, but then I also think if she'd make the effort she would.

I'm just wondering if anyone else had the same experience or advice?

Paying nursery fees for a term is no small thing and many grandparents feel providing childcare, especially for a baby, is too much particularly as yours are still working. Sounds like she was an emotionally distant parent and will be the same as a Gran but still wants to try to help in practical ways.
Its sad but not much else you can do.

This. You can't tell her she was too involved and then expect her to provide childcare when you go back to work. You can't have it both ways.

You clearly have conflicting views on care of a child. She's offered to pay the first term's fees, which is more than generous, but she's right, you need to get your act together and arrange care that you are happy with.

Your baby, your responsibility.

I'd say thank you for the fees, and book a childminder place.

I wouldn't want my child to have a close relationship with someone who chose to walk out on her own kid because chances are she will do it with her grandchild and it will really hurt them. Don't force a relationship, your child will most likely suffer because of it.

Thete's nothing worse than someone telling you what to do - there's a stark difference between that and in you asking for their advice and feeling comfortable that they won't force their views onto you and expect you to do what they say. I suspect the scales tipped into somewhere like that and MIL has taken her ball home. I'm sure you and your fiance and little girl will be fine - all she really needs is 2 loving parents and anyone else who knows how to behave without sticking their nose in where it isn't wanted. You can't make people behave how you want them to so it's probably better that she stays away, your little girl won't notice at all.