To worry DS 13 has no meaningful friendships

[Skye109]

I really need to know, from parents who have a 13 year old boy, or from parents who have older boys so can speak from experience....
Is it normal to have no close bonds with friends as a 13 year old boy?
I'm so worried about my DS.
He was dumped by his lifelong best friend last year, who he was so close to throughout his life that he considered him to be almost like a brother. His (ex) friend has well and truly hurt him by being horrendous towards him, lying about him, treating him appallingly and then dumping him. I don't know if DS will get over the hurt this friend caused him. DS was a loyal and lovely friend to this boy for 10 years, spending so much time out of school together. Does anyone have any experience of this? Even I'm struggling with it. His friend appears to have had a complete personality transplant - for the worse!!
A year on, he's got mates. But they're just mates. They're OK. They hang out with him. But none of them are true friends. They're all flaky. Two of them arranged to meet DS today, he showed up and they weren't there, he called them to ask if they were coming and they said "Maybe" so DS kept waiting and then they didn't show up. DS did a really good job of putting on a brave face, but I could see by his expression that he was upset about being blown out. We changed family plans for him to be able to meet up with them today because were trying to be supportive. There's a few mates he's got, but none of them are solid friends. He hasn't heard from anyone all summer hols. It's really hard because they're all at an age now where mums don't do the organising of getting the kids together, so I can't organise anything. I have tried, and mums have replied "Sam makes his own plans now". DS has called and texted mates over these hols and had no replies. They hang out with him at school and sometimes outside of school. But they're watery IMO. Sometimes they stick to plans to meet up but sometimes they don't and they let him down. Is this normal?
DS if flailing. He says he feels lost.
He's just finished year 7 and hasn't made one single new friend. He was telling me that he started year 7 feeling really hopeful that he'd meet new people and make new friends, but he hasn't made even one new friend.
He's such a nice kid. Fun. Humorous. Really enjoys life. Socially skilled. Emotionally intelligent. Kind. Calm. Great to be in the company of.
I can sense it's getting him down, and I don't know what to do to help him.
He's not in to football, and this seems to be a bit of a sticking point at school lunch breaks.
Basically, is it normal to be 13 and to not have any really close friendship bonds with 1 or 2 significant friends? Is it normal to just have mates, and to hang out with them but to not be particularly close to any of them? And is it normal for those mates to be a bit all over the place, sometimes being reliable and sticking to plans to meet up but sometimes being completely unreliable and flaky? DS finds it tricky to deal with their inconsistentsy, because he's the type of person who if he says yes to something and makes a plan with someone then he sticks to it. But is it normal for other boys this age to be more unreliable? Or not?!
DS has been telling me over the hols that he really wants some closer friendships. He said "I don't have a best friend anymore and I really miss that".
I don't know if I'm right to be worried, or if I'm over thinking it.
He's my eldest so I have no experience of this age group.
I'd love some advice!

Exactly the situation my kid is in. I have no answer so I'm going to keep reading this thread. I hate it when the mates say they'll meet but then don't show up. Devastating and it's really affecting morale. They're friends at school so why not in the holidays?

I'd say all this is in the normal range, which covers super close with one or two people, wildly popular, quite alone, actually ostracised.

What happened with his previously good friend must have really hurt.

Perhaps more clubs would be good, he can socialise there and not need to arrange meet ups.

If he doesn’t do cadets I would recommend as a good way of socialising regularly with friends who actually turn up

My DS had a close friendship group at primary but all went to different secondaries due to catchments/grammars etc. He’s very happy I think at his new school (also just finished year 7) and has made friends that he eats lunch with but apart from one that lives on our road, he’s also not really kept in touch with anyone over summer. He’ll spend time with the lad on our road, and meet up with a couple of his old mates but has done nothing but the odd WhatsApp with his new friends. He almost seems shy about it.

I do think possibly it is that transition into arranging your own social life and it can make those that aren’t surrounded by their long standing friendships feel a bit awkward. I think it will come more naturally as they get a bit older.

can he join any after school clubs back at school, drama clubs are usually really sociable.

Time to get him into scouts, cadets or a youth group I think. They're usually the funny, clever, kind, thoughtful kids, plus it's great for independence.

I agree with some sort of cadets. Sea or air cadets etc. Karate? Anything to get him mixing. At least he sounds open and talks.

I think new friends take time to solidify at Secondary School. It took my daughter until year 9 to meet her friends out of school! To be fair they get such short breaktimes they barely have time to bond! I recommend he signs up to any trips at school in the meantime as they get to spend more intense time together and get to know each other more.

Dont panic. I have girls but they only found their tribe in year 9 ish there were several false starts and groups splintering off. Dd2 had to start from scratch after an awful experience in year 8 she was screwed over by a “best friend” and was totally alone for a few weeks but reached out to another girl and they built a lovely group which has grown and grown now year 10 she’s barely in. They set them more in year 9 so they meet more like minded kids in lessons. He sounds lovely am sure it will come good.

I think year 7 is just tricky. Lots of changes, and lots of hormones. It took my dd to the end of year 8 to make a solid friendship at her secondary school.

I think unfortunately yes due to screens etc a lot of kids are flakier and don’t meet up with other kids as much. When is he back to school? Hopefully something will happen, one thing, does he play chess or would he try a more unusual sport like badminton or pitch and putt/ golf ? Sorry you’re going through this op, he sounds lovely x

My son went through a phase like this .it was so hard trying to help him. He recently admitted then when he used to tell me he was going out on his bike to meet friends he was just riding round as he had nobody to meet. He did manage to join a football team and made a couple of friends there. A new boy joined his class and DS made a point of speaking to him and they became friends. His best friend at college was a girl but since starting an apprenticeship he has made new friends and reconnected with a couple of people from school. Can your DS join a sport or a group like cadets ? I think they usually get there eventually but it’s hard to watch . His ex friend behaved very badly.

Following, because my DS, about to start year 7, so younger, is in a similar situation. Not treated badly by his friend, but friend moved abroad.

DS is very, very shy, good academically...and hates football, so I worry he'll be isolated, despite his being so kind and witty. He's not interested in tik tok and sex (yet) like the rest of his year 6 class, either, so doesn't fit in.

Very similar situation here. From speaking to other people I think it’s not completely uncommon. It’s very hard as a parent to feel like you can’t really fix this for them.

Yes, he's definitely open and talks.
I can't believe I've got this lovely human being as my son, who feels he hasn't got any good friends. He's so lovely, to my mind so many kids would surely love to have him as a friend.
I don't know about cadets or scouts. Are they for this age group? Are they for the kids that don't fit in? DS says you get ostracised at school for doing anything that's seen as not cool! (Much to his malign)

Another vote for Army Cadet Force (ACF) or similar. My DS absolutely loved it and made so many mates.

The ones not into football at ds school were into gaming together. There were a lot of school clubs that helped eg robotics, Lego . Learning an instrument can be good as can join school bands etc. I think year 7 and 8 a lot are overwhelmed and just get by by kicking a ball atound together at lunchtime

He sounds lovely. I wonder if perhaps he’s a bit more mature than some of the other boys? Or sensible? Many are still quite immature and gravitate to equally immature friends!

I have a DS of the same age and it was only really in the last few weeks of year 7 that he made more established friends. For some of my friends’ sons it is definitely taking longer..

My DS plays football and I think that helps. I’m sure your DS will find his tribe soon, it’s such a big transition and my DS had similar experiences early on with flaky boys so I think that’s normal but it’s very hard to see them struggling.

I think you have a point here about friendships moving online.

my ds in similar position to op ds. He is very friendly and sociable. Plenty of friends at primary but hasn’t made a single friend in year 7.

the only saving grace is that he does scouts and has stayed in touch with friends from primary.

14 yo has no real friends. Plays online with a few but hasn’t seen a single friend all summer holidays. He tells me he has mates at school but he’s only ever gone out twice with friends.

it worries me but the saving grace is the drama group he attends and his football team. I would t say he was friends with the kids at these clubs but it’s something different from school. Maybe encourage your DS to join something?

I have 2 boys, almost 15 and 13, back to school tomorrow.

I feel your pain in your post as I've been there myself, worried sick multiple times over friendships and my only advice to you is to try and relax and let things be. I feel I wasted and waste a lot of time freaking out over friendship issues that work themselves out over time without any interference.

We actually can't fix everything for them.

And at this age they have to start figuring things out, who they are, who they want as friends, how they go about building and maintaining relationships.

My two are polar opposites with the issues that come along with being either a) childish compared to peers, naive and keen to fit in or b) streetwise, popular and keen to push boundaries and show off.

One has issues with friendships, one has millions of friends. I lie awake worrying about both of them for different reasons!

DS didn't really find any close friends at secondary school until end of y8/ y9. I remember him being upset about it going into year 8. I think it's fairly common. He's also found that a lot of friendship groups changed as they got older, matured at different times, found their tribes a bit more. In general as well the boys were a lot flakier at meeting up and making arrangements out of school. Girls seemed to be much more organised but also much meaner to each other in y8/9 so it's swings and roundabouts!