To worry DS 13 has no meaningful friendships

[Skye109]

I really need to know, from parents who have a 13 year old boy, or from parents who have older boys so can speak from experience....
Is it normal to have no close bonds with friends as a 13 year old boy?
I'm so worried about my DS.
He was dumped by his lifelong best friend last year, who he was so close to throughout his life that he considered him to be almost like a brother. His (ex) friend has well and truly hurt him by being horrendous towards him, lying about him, treating him appallingly and then dumping him. I don't know if DS will get over the hurt this friend caused him. DS was a loyal and lovely friend to this boy for 10 years, spending so much time out of school together. Does anyone have any experience of this? Even I'm struggling with it. His friend appears to have had a complete personality transplant - for the worse!!
A year on, he's got mates. But they're just mates. They're OK. They hang out with him. But none of them are true friends. They're all flaky. Two of them arranged to meet DS today, he showed up and they weren't there, he called them to ask if they were coming and they said "Maybe" so DS kept waiting and then they didn't show up. DS did a really good job of putting on a brave face, but I could see by his expression that he was upset about being blown out. We changed family plans for him to be able to meet up with them today because were trying to be supportive. There's a few mates he's got, but none of them are solid friends. He hasn't heard from anyone all summer hols. It's really hard because they're all at an age now where mums don't do the organising of getting the kids together, so I can't organise anything. I have tried, and mums have replied "Sam makes his own plans now". DS has called and texted mates over these hols and had no replies. They hang out with him at school and sometimes outside of school. But they're watery IMO. Sometimes they stick to plans to meet up but sometimes they don't and they let him down. Is this normal?
DS if flailing. He says he feels lost.
He's just finished year 7 and hasn't made one single new friend. He was telling me that he started year 7 feeling really hopeful that he'd meet new people and make new friends, but he hasn't made even one new friend.
He's such a nice kid. Fun. Humorous. Really enjoys life. Socially skilled. Emotionally intelligent. Kind. Calm. Great to be in the company of.
I can sense it's getting him down, and I don't know what to do to help him.
He's not in to football, and this seems to be a bit of a sticking point at school lunch breaks.
Basically, is it normal to be 13 and to not have any really close friendship bonds with 1 or 2 significant friends? Is it normal to just have mates, and to hang out with them but to not be particularly close to any of them? And is it normal for those mates to be a bit all over the place, sometimes being reliable and sticking to plans to meet up but sometimes being completely unreliable and flaky? DS finds it tricky to deal with their inconsistentsy, because he's the type of person who if he says yes to something and makes a plan with someone then he sticks to it. But is it normal for other boys this age to be more unreliable? Or not?!
DS has been telling me over the hols that he really wants some closer friendships. He said "I don't have a best friend anymore and I really miss that".
I don't know if I'm right to be worried, or if I'm over thinking it.
He's my eldest so I have no experience of this age group.
I'd love some advice!

I could have written this about my 13 year old son. His one main friend went to a different school and they just aren't as close. He has class mates but does get picked on too.
He goes to Scouts, drama club and the local youth group. He's not sporty at all. He gave Army Cadets a go for 6 months but wasn't his thing in the end. He has people he gets along with at each ckub but not a best mate or close friend.
He's been so upset at not having just a best friend who chooses him for games or to hang out etc. But we've had long discussions that sometimes people don't find their 'tribe' at school. It might be college, clubs or unexpected events that bring in new chance meetings. I think that helped him to know that it's ok to not have a best friend at all times and it's perfectly acceptable to go through new stages in life that have different difficulties, like losing a friend etc.

Clubs are always great ways at widening social circles. Your son should continue being himself so when he does meet new people they will like him for who he is even if the clubs aren't deemed socially acceptable by other kids.

Skye109 - It's heartbreaking. I haven't got much advice but wanted to reply as for years I kept reading similar posts hoping that things would change for my DS who was also struggling. There wasn't a huge change for some time. I didn't help as I kept questioning if he was going to go out or contacting anyone. I remember one day he said he just wanted to be someone's go to friend. He felt like he wasn't important to anyone. He also didn't play football which is huge in his school. Over time he made friends with a group of lovely lads who also didn't play football at lunchtime. They have stuck together ever since. It hasn't always been easy, they can still be flakey at 17/18. They aren't the group that are invited to parties etc but they are ok with that and make their own fun. As they have grown they have found new sports, started work, studying etc although their friendship is important they have other things that also fill their time. All the big friendships groups that I used to wish my DS was part of have also had their troubles and I have regularly been extremely grateful he wasn't in the thick of it. I am sure it will work out, a few friendly faces can make teenage years a lot less lonely. I feel for you as a bystander and for your DS. It's a painful time. Wishing you both luck navigating it all.

ACF is for age 12-18. I wouldn't say it's for kids that don't fit in but you say he's not into football, my DS wasn't either and I do think that can be a problem for boys. But why should he have to pretend he likes football and fit in with the herd if it's not his thing? One night there was a big match on and the ACF leader said if they'd would rather watch it they could - DS told me they all said they'd rather do the usual Cadet stuff.
My shy 12 Yr old DS came home from his first night raving about weekend camps every 6 weeks, annual summer camps, and practising drill. Really brought him out of his shell, definitely found his tribe, and never looked back. If anyone laughed at him for being uncool we never heard about it, but I suspect it would have rolled off him because he'd made such good friendships at cadets.

I don't get the negativity about scouts. It's been fantastic for my 13 year old who recently got his gold award. There's a big crossover between his scouts friends and school friends. The trick is to find your people and he's managed it (I was worried he wouldn't as my older DS had a horrendous time at secondary school). He doesn't really see people away from school/activities though but they do chat online.

I am so sorry your son is going through this. I have got two sons and two daughters and whereas 3 never found any difficulty in socialising, the last one did. Like your son, he is a lovely lad, and my son always put all his eggs into one basket when socialising, often being very loyal to one friend. They go through a really hard time at this age. You cannot do it for them. You can make it easier (don't make them stand out, let them have enough freedom to be what is considered normal, buy them the clothes even if it has to be on wash and repeat, encourage what is "good" in their eyes - you might have to give up your lounge for "gaming night and pizza") You also have to accept that he will drop everything to "get his chance" at socialising. You have good conversations with him, so you have that. My son, now 18, has two or three friends that he sees a lot, and has been abroad with. He has recently got a girlfriend. He is happy with his close circle of friends, he knows that his family really love him. I agree that "unless he is willing", asking him to join cadets, scouts and etc. is maybe not his thing but no harm done to ask, they are normally quite benign things and it is all about finding your tribe - Scouts is 11-14, and suits many, and many do it and have the best times. By the way @ShuviToopya I don't know where you are coming from, it is not, as you say "having to go to the lengths of dressing in shirts and neckerchiefs and hanging round with strange men of an evening" or "parading around town in a brown shirt and a napkin round his neck", half a million young people enjoy scouts every week without doing either of these things - it does depend on the group you are in, and therefore, how suitable it might be, but it offers a lot for young people, based completely on volunteers giving up their own time, that are trained and DBSd checked.

The cool kids will be into the cool things, but there will be plenty around the edges that have different interests. What is he interested in? That will be where he finds his tribe. I definitely didn't make friends easily in year 7 and mainly clung to the handful of kids thst came from my primary school. But definitely I'd make friends with similar interests as I went along.

Also show him things on how the cool kids in high school peaked there, as the skills you need in adult life are different.

Does he do any after school clubs? Scouts? Cadets? Any sport? etc.? It is good to have friends outside school as well as in school.

Your poor DS though.

My DS has also just finished year 7 and I’ve been a bit worried about him over the summer as to whether he’s lonely. However interestingly enough he’s declined a few invitations because he knows that these particular boys are quite reckless and he doesn’t want to just hang around the recreation ground with them. He has a really nice group of friends online who play a particular really geeky game, and he plays with them for a couple of hours a day which he is happy about. He edits videos for his friends of the game they play and they upload them onto YouTube. He’s not really into football but will play at break time if all his friends are. He’s a real homebody, loves hanging out with me, DH and his grandparents/cousins. He never complains of being lonely at school so I just follow his lead as best I can. It is hard though!

It sounds very normal. Childhood friendships often come apart at secondary - not necessarily the fault of the friend who moves on, unless there is real unkindness involved. Children mature at such different rates through puberty and some inevitably get left behind when others are ready to behave more like typical teens. I have two boys and the first experienced similar problems. It was a lonely road for a bit but he carried on with favourite activities outside school and by 6th form age he had loads of friends - he's absolutely not interested in being an 'alpha male' type which was what was deemed cool when he was 13, but suddenly his wit, interest in all things arts-elated and his sociability became cool in 6th form. What is your son interested in? I'd make sure he has places to go outside school where he can form an alternative friendship group if school isn't working out so well.