Always the Mum’s fault

[TiredMum6]

AIBU to think it’s always the Mum who gets judged and blamed for the way a child is?

this could be my tired hormonal mind but, I’m the WOHP and:

• Fussy DC - oh he was weaned on those pouches
• DC doesn’t settle well - wasn’t taught to self soothe
• DC can’t dress themselves well - always rushing out the house, no patience to teach them

Why am I judged even though I wasn’t the parent who was there to make these decisions? Or perhaps it’s just overall my fault because I went out the house to work?

YANBU - it’s always the Mum’s fault
YABU - my hormonal tired mind is projecting my own mum guilt onto these interactions

Rant over….for now!

Who is judging you? No one ever judged me like that.

I’ve never been judged like that either.

Is it someone who assumes that dads don’t do any parenting or a dad who delegated sleep and weaning to his wife during maternity leave and thinks that’s how all couples do it?

Coming from an over thinker, id say try not to over think it.

Not sure what WOHP is but I've never encountered this (and im a single parent so would definitely be the one to blame if it was the case)

Who is saying this shit to you?

The flip side of that is that none of those criticisms sound like anything a man would say.

Which is part of the real issue - mums who have spent a whole year perfecting their idea of motherhood, without the self confidence in their own idea of parenthood to not bash other people's choices.

Of course, if more men shared the load, parents would be agreeing these things together rather than fighting with each other.

No one is saying it outright. It’s other parents offering advice when I make a comment like

“oh your DC eats so well” - “we’ve done baby led weaning, have you tried laying out some fruit or veg as finger food”

“it’s great X is sleeping through the night” - “what about trying to get DC to self soothe at nap time first?”

“I wish my DC could put their own shoes on” - “they’ll get there, it’s just having the time and patience to help them practise”

So I guess no judgy comments, it’s more that people are looking at me when they say them even when DH is stood next to me.

And I just have to politely nod, when what I’m really thinking is YES I KNOW BUT I AM NOT THERE AM I !!!

If I said anything it would start an argument.

So perhaps it is my hormonal mind and projecting, or jealousy I haven’t been able to have these experiences because I had to go back to work a few weeks after birth.
It would be nice to be able
to justify myself explain that I haven’t made these choices and I agree with the advice from other parents, as I did these things with eldest DC when I did get a bit longer mat leave / part time hours.

But then it’s why don’t you suggest to DH to do that? Well because he’s the SAHP so it’s his choice how DC is weaned, sleeps etc. Can you imagine the MN response if a Mum said her DH was working f/t, out the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, yet was trying to get her to wean and sleep train a certain way?

@liveforsummer WOHP is work outside the home parent - sorry that’s probably me feeling it’s better to say that than “full time working mother”!

WOTP is the silliest abbreviation I've ever heard of 🤣

WOHP even, not that it matters 🤣🤣

Yes, you are projecting.

Honestly, these people are not thinking about you and your parenting any where near as much as you believe they are.

They are just making conversation about babies. Babies are not actually very interesting so there really is a very limited pool of things you can say about them. "Have you tried X?" is one of the few things you can say in a conversation about feeding/sleeping etc.

They are not sitting at home saying "ooh you know TiredMum6, her baby doesn't sleep well, what a terrible person she is"

They really are not.
They are not thinking about you.
They are probably thinking about when they can have a cup of tea or a nap or when their child will stop screaming.

@thecatsthecats feel like I cross posted there.

That’s true, bashing other people’s choices, so I feel I’m getting blamed for something I had no control over.

Probably doesn’t help that there are a lot of other Mothers who could afford a whole year mat leave.

DH doesn’t care what anyone thinks, he’s happy and confident in the way he’s raising DC.

Is it because you are the one saying “oh it’s good x can out on their shoes” or whatever so they are responding directly back to you? Tbh if someone noted that my child could do something I would say something similar in the spirit of being helpful or explaining what we did. It isn’t a criticism at all. I would include both parents in my response because I’d assume both parents are parenting.

Yes perhaps they are just trying to make conversation or genuinely be helpful.

When what I’d really like is some
empathy that sometimes it’s pretty tough to be WOHP (I’m sticking with the abbreviation - took me ages to learn them and makes me feel better 😂😂) especially as a Mum and understand I’m having to compromise on some of my values.

Maybe I need to go talk to the Dads!

I think I feel this more than my husband, but in my case that is because I doomscroll terrible websites more than he does - like, I’ll be sitting subjecting myself to the world’s worst opinions on why sending my child to full time daycare means I’m history’s greatest monster while he is looking at photos of ducks.

In real life, there is an element of people assuming I’m default parent - when I went back to work, a lot of people assumed my daughter was in childcare when actually we were doing shared parental leave! - but luckily this doesn’t really manifest in judgement, at least not where I can hear it…

It can work in my favour too sometimes. When my daughter looks a complete mess for nursery, it’s a “oh dad dressed her today” thing. Often he hasn’t 🤣

People can be judgemental but I do think you’re taking it a bit too much to heart. They probably are well meaning in what they are saying and trying to help you.

If you say to them things like “I wish my DC could do x like yours” you don’t know what they’ve necessarily been through to get them to that point either and it might feel to them that you are underestimating the efforts they’ve put in. Example, my friend’s DC has needed a lot of physio for a condition she has. The little girl is now older and does dance and she is absolutely amazing at it. But it’s been a long, long road for my friend and her little girl. It would be easy to assume the girl is just naturally more gifted etc. but it could have been a very different outcome if it wasn’t for their efforts.

My point is, I think you are being overly sensitive about comments or advice people are giving you, but even if they are judging you, you need to be careful not to unknowingly be judging them unfairly back. You don’t know what struggles and insecurities they have either even if they are making it look easy.

YANBU, it happens and is true

It's even happening on another big thread at the moment...
Women are being blamed for men turning out badly and doing horrible things because we are typically the primary caregivers.

Society in general turns to the mother when babies/children/teens/adults have problems.

Seems more like conversation to me. You're starting it by making a comment on how we'll someone else's child is doing, which suggests your child isn't yet. So of course they are going to reply. I'd suggest you stop making the comment in the first place if you don't want a conversation with them. No one is judging you.

I hear you, my ex used to make comments that were definitely digs at me, though he always claimed they weren’t. It used to really p me off given he’s the parent too. Kids being fussy was one of the things

It can work in my favour too sometimes. When my daughter looks a complete mess for nursery, it’s a “oh dad dressed her today” thing. Often he hasn’t 🤣
😂
Or "I thought it was time she starting choosing her own clothes and dressing herself"!

Don't over-think this, OP. It's just chit-chat.
One of mine insisted on getting herself dressed and doing up her shoes from a very young age (Miss Independent) but DC2 was quite happy to be helped.

Because people really aren't thinking very much about you, they won't be thinking "ooh let's provide some empathy for TiredMum6".

It's good you can recognise that empathy is what you need though - but don't then let your brain mix that need to be listened to up and turn it into everything that isn't empathy being a criticism.

If you have close friends, can you tell them that you are struggling a bit and are looking for that sort of empathy? They are not mind readers. They might be thinking you've got it all sorted and be jealous you get to have a life beyond bum wiping.

It's really quite liberating to realise no one really thinks about you at all. Child raising isn't a zero sum game - someone else's child sleeping better or putting their shoes on first makes no difference to your child and when they will do that. It's all just in your head.

At work, we have access to an employee support programme which includes a certain number of hours virtual meeting with parenting coaches (or various other sorts of coaches/counsellors like grief/illness recovery etc). Do you have something similar? If not, it might be worth paying for a a few calls with a parenting coach who can provide you with the empathy that you are looking for.

I think you’ve nailed it here @MojoMoon :

It's good you can recognise that empathy is what you need though - but don't then let your brain mix that need to be listened to up and turn it into everything that isn't empathy being a criticism.

That’s what I’m doing. I need to perhaps be honest and upfront with some close friends about how I’m feeling. I can’t expect empathy when no one knows how I’m feeling.

That’s just reinforcing the judgement though, it’s just another way of saying well if Mum was at home and dressing her then she would look better.

I am trying not to judge or undermine. I do remember what it was like when I had my eldest DC, none of it is easy and there’s no right or wrong way IMO as every child is different and everyone has different circumstances. It doesn’t feel like others are reciprocate that towards me though and things that aren’t in my control are being blamed on me.
Maybe I should have been careful who I fell in love with (and I do adore my DH!) - is that where I went wrong?

I agree mums are looked on as the default parent.

But where is your DH in these conversations? Does he not pipe up with what he has tried?

Do you remind these friends that DH is the SAHP?

I think you may be projecting your own feelings onto day to day chat, it’s hard to find topics of conversation when all you have in common with these people is that you are both parents. Nobody’s child is perfect in every way, if they are good eaters they may have tantrums or if they are good at getting dressed they may be delayed in their speech, everyone shares little tips that might have worked for them and most mean it kindly. If it’s someone overtly critising you feel free to ignore them though. Can you joke about it, if DH is there pull him forward and say better tell “Bob” cause he handles that Monday to Friday. Or if he’s not there say oh I must remember to tell “Bob” that.