Always the Mum’s fault

[TiredMum6]

AIBU to think it’s always the Mum who gets judged and blamed for the way a child is?

this could be my tired hormonal mind but, I’m the WOHP and:

• Fussy DC - oh he was weaned on those pouches
• DC doesn’t settle well - wasn’t taught to self soothe
• DC can’t dress themselves well - always rushing out the house, no patience to teach them

Why am I judged even though I wasn’t the parent who was there to make these decisions? Or perhaps it’s just overall my fault because I went out the house to work?

YANBU - it’s always the Mum’s fault
YABU - my hormonal tired mind is projecting my own mum guilt onto these interactions

Rant over….for now!

I agree that mums are seen as responsible for more than their share. But I don’t think any of the actual comments here sound judgy.

I've never experienced this personally as an individual. But it is a fact that women/mothers are always first in the firing line when blame is being apportioned for society's ills. Nobody EVER says "Where was the father?" "What was the father thinking?"

It was a joke. An unfortunately true joke for my household as DH isn’t the best when it comes to fashion (though admittedly neither am I, although I have SOME clue).
But it’s as you say, everyone’s circumstances are different and every child is different. If you believe that then why are these people bothering you so much? Their opinions mean diddly. Do you feel like you aren’t doing your best so these comments reinforce how you’re feeling? Because I’m sure it’s not true at all and I’m sure you ARE doing your best in the best way you know and are able to do. And their comments really are meaningless because do you know any adult (disabilities aside) who can’t dress themselves properly or use a spoon, or know how to chew because they were given pouches. I doubt very much that parents who don’t have paid employment’s children are haring ahead of yours. The ones that are would have done regardless of much parental input.
Just keep doing you.

This blame the Mum thing also continues if your child has mental health problems or eating disorders or struggles in the teen years- the professionals all ask if you could have done anything differently, the dads are often not even in the room, they give you all the exercises and interventions and even told me that people give up work or go part-time to do them. So much Mum blame, very little Dad blame or implications they should give up work or go part-time.

Then you can come on Mumsnet and get everyone saying 'your teen/adult child didn't get anxious/MH issues/criminal record all by themselves, did they, they must have experienced something bad in childhood' the implication being that your crappy parenting is the cause.

Men get off so lightly it's untrue. You have to bolster your own self-esteem around parenting all the time, and just say things like 'oh, that's an interesting idea' when people tell you how to wean your child which they would never tell the Dad.

Thank you @CurlewKate and @Decaffeinatedplease I guess because it often is the Mum with day to day care society is still quick to blame Mums - and I am picking up on it.

You're right OP. The mum is typically blamed. Because the mum is in most cases the primary parent and is seen as 'in charge' with the dad her deputy. Therefore she is considered to carry the can. Other reasons include the higher expectations on women to be good parents (men are still deemed slightly incompetent by comparison but are assumed to compensate by being good at their job so forgiven) Also that women are soft targets for criticism, often tolerating and accepting it where men would give it pretty short shrift, or use it as an excuse not to do the thing at all.

Apologies @Elliesmumma probably just shows that there’s a tired hormonal element to it as well and I overlooked the joke fwiw I’ve definitely got my own special brand of fashion sense 🤪

I do know I’m doing my best, my children have a home, are fed and well clothed and that would be a struggle if I wasn’t the one providing that. Many people just don’t recognise that side of parenting though and surely it’s human to sometimes need a bit of validation!

What I struggle with most is, if we take the food for example, I actually agree with the advice that DC might be less fussy if he had more variety when weaning instead of only a couple of different processed pouches.

I want to say I agree with you, it wasn’t my decision - I WASN’T THERE!! But then it looks like I’m judging or undermining DH. So instead it seems I’m quietly living with the consequences of parenting decisions I don’t agree with AND feeling judged for doing them - even though I didn’t!

I don’t judge DH decisions - he did and does what’s right for him and DC at the time and he is happy with his decisions. I think I may have made different decisions as we have different priorities but who knows, I wasn’t there and he’s done his best and done pretty well.

Vile bitches can judge someone like that and usually you don't accept such bitches in your life, so where have you heard all that.

Apologies @angeldelite I missed these questions.

Most of the time he’s not with me, if he is, he doesn’t even notice. He’s happy with his parenting decisions and is happy with any consequences of those decisions. it’s much harder to justify something you don’t agree with!

These people know DH is the SAHP but just don’t always seem to grasp the logistics of how little I am with or have input over DC day to day. It’s not intentionally forgetting, I guess just ingrained that it must have be the Mum’s decision.

I got the "did dad put this one on" from a midwife when I'd put a vest on DS when he was ten hours old.

Well, I put it on wrong, and I had been the one giving birth, so feck off.