AIBU to be suspicious?

[AIBU2bjealous]

Posted yesterday about DH and a female friend. Maybe she made a pass, maybe not. I don’t really have any reason not to trust DH, but she seems a bit keen on him and it makes me uncomfortable. After not seeing each other for a while, DH told me they’d made plans for this week. I asked what they would be doing today and he told me: she’d invited him over to her house as her DH is away. He’s to come over after dinner when her DC are sleeping.

is my DH completely oblivious? Is this a bit odd? I have male friends who are platonic but I wouldn’t invite them to mine in this circumstance without their partner or children! AIBU to find this odd?

I have had male friends over for specific reasons, however I’ve tended to organise with the wife. DH’s last job had an on-site on call component where if there was an emergency, they had rest area provisions for coverage*. Examples such as DH going to assemble a display case over weekend ready for pre-arranged tradesperson to fix to wall on the Monday, he would be called in and wouldn’t know if he would be back before tradesperson came etc. It was often Murphy’s Law. So, I’d contact the wife, ask if I could ‘borrow’ their DH to do it, as I didn’t want to ask and ruin any plans they may have had that the DH had been unaware of. Then if confirmed they had nothing on or she didn’t need him for a job herself, I’d contact my male friend directly to ask. Never an issue, and avoided any resentment of some’s DH being at mine doing something if their wife had to have two different kids in two different places at that time or whatnot.

*For those thinking I was conned by a DH up to no good, it never happened in any job prior or since, and when it did happen there was always a mahoosive lift in his pay that month, so no reason to believe was not genuine.

This is difficult. I have a few close male friends. I would go over to theirs on my own when their children were in bed and we’d have dinner and generally catch up. Our partners are completely fine with it and there is definitely no attraction on either of our parts.

If this isn’t a regular occurrence and you are obviously not happy about it, then I think your husband shouldn’t go if you going to be really upset about it. Can he meet up with her another time? What sort of times and locations would you be happy with? Are you worried he is going to cheat as if he is, there’s not really anything you can do about it. You can’t spend your life worrying, setting curfews, etc., it will drive you made and create a wedge between you.

I mean if he were up to something why would he be so blatant about it?

Hiding the affair in plain sight?

It does happen

Ask him not to go.

See his reaction .....surely if you're uneasy about it, he puts your feelings first and doesn't go?

It crosses a line and is the biggest elephant in the room. Why all the negotiating? She is trouble and there are so many red flags blowing to shreds in a hurricane. Stop it now and say No! No! and thrice No!

You think she fancies him. You're not normally controlling (I'm assuming) but you feel insecure and uncomfortable for a number of reasons. He may not be intent on an affair or even a one-off shag, but you can see how it might happen. And if it's going to, it will, but you don't have to passively facilitate it.

Tell him, clearly and calmly, how you feel and ask him to take a step back from the friendship. You deserve that level of understanding, loyalty and reassurance from your husband. It's not unreasonable at all.

Surely the most important (only important?) thing here is the way YOU feel and he should be concerned about this AND NOTHING ELSE!

For someone ‘oblivious’, there certainly have been some intentional behavior changes. And they began that night.

Please don’t sell yourself short, @AIBU2bjealous. You are a fantastic woman in your own right who chooses to give abundantly to your H and young children, and that should engender his love, respect, interest, and a sexy spark. As for OW, it may appear that she is a perfect woman living a golden life, but she is diminishing herself (and disrespecting you and her H) by making goo-goo eyes and drooling over her married friend. Something is amiss…

How are you going to approach this?

I wouldn't be happy about this situation. Your husband is being deliberately obtuse. My husband used to work overseas a lot - he'd fly in for a meeting and he might go out to dinner with a workmate who'd also flown in for the meeting. I was fine about him going out to dinner in a strange city with a colleague he knew and occasionally it was a female colleague. I think this though is completely different with your husband basically saying he can go on a date with an old friend who appears to act in an over-friendly way with him in front of his wife and has invited him over to dinner to her house when her children are asleep and her husband is away. Meanwhile he leaves his own wife alone with their sleeping children.

Most men invited over to a woman's place for dinner when her husband is away and her children are asleep would be thinking of this as an invitation for sex especially if she has been making eyes at him and acting keen. Your husband must know this.

There is a line about what is acceptable to have behaviour in marriage. It doesn't mean that you can't have friends of the opposite gender or whatever. It does mean though that you can't date friends of the opposite gender and expext your spouse to be "cool" about it. In fact, this looks exactly like cheating in plain sight. Incidentally, if she makes advances to married men, she is by no means perfect.

Thank you for all of the advice and support. DH did go to his friend’s house. I mulled it over and felt I couldn’t control him in that way, although it does make me uncomfortable and doesn’t quite sit right. I’m working out how to approach it with him. I don’t want to be accusatory but I do believe I have the right to feel comfortable and this friend is acting in an odd way.

Do you have any mutual friends you could discuss this with? Because this is an obvious wtf move on DH and friend's parts and talking about it with the wider group would probably help if you feel you're being manipulated into thinking it's normal

@SleepwalkingInTesco infortunately not, they are old friends from uni so no friends in common.

How long was he there?

Just a few hours. Plenty of time for something to happen obviously but nothing seemed especially off when he got in.

No @Soretoothfairy , it's not "some sort of religious thing", (which is a bit of a sly dig at people who have a religious faith), it's out of respect for my friend, his wife and their marriage. Why, have you a problem with that?